Releasing the Emotional Storm

      How often do we bottle all our emotions up inside, push them down deep and hide them from everyone, even ourselves.

      It’s so much easier to hide from the tough emotions, to pretend they don’t exist, to show the world our outer shell that hides the inner turmoil. But what happens when we need to release the pressure, to allow some of those emotions out, to allow ourselves to feel. Often this results in emotional overload, outbursts, self incrimination. We need to find a way to ease the pressure in other, more constructive ways, but how?? This has been a burning question for me over the years and it wasn’t until recently I realised I had my answer all the time, I just hadn’t recognised it.

      Towards the end of last year I went on a retreat, my aim was to find me again, to reconnect with my goddess within and allow her freedom to be real. It was on this retreat I came to two big conclusions. The first being that my happy calming place is water, be it a lake, a river, a dam, but mainly the ocean. The cleanse I feel with me feet in the water and sand is incredible. I feel renewed and revived, ow I live close to the ocean once more I actually can see how much I needed it to ground and centre me.

      So now at least a couple of times a week you can find me walking along the waters edge, alone or with my dog, letting the stresses of my life flow out to sea, using the ebb and flow of the tide to refresh my soul. I’ve also started Stand Up Paddle Boarding to continue my joy of the sea.

      The second revelation I had was when we were asked to do something creative to express emotions, mainly turned to art, which I actually suck at lol, so as I was thinking on what to do, to my total surprise words started to flow again, for the first time in years. I wasn’t struggling to put words on paper, they were just pouring out of me. I rediscovered my love for poetry to express to turmoil within, the ability to journal and put my thoughts onto paper has long been my go to when I struggle, I just didn’t consciously acknowledge it. Being at that retreat allowed me to look within and let these truths resurface.

      So my advice to all, find your place, the one place you feel safe, secure, alive, restored and grounded, it’s amazing how simple that place can be, but also how important it is, a place to escape the noise, both external and internal, to give yourself a place to process and deal, to bring the smile back to your face.

      Also find a way to release those thoughts, emotions, dialogues that clutter your mind, it can be through words like me or art, drawing, painting, sculpting. Maybe exercise is your thing, baking, meditation, whatever works for you, embrace it, use it, that doing something just for you, could be the very thing you need in the moment.

      Self care and self love are so very important, you can’t help everyone else in your life if you can’t help yourself, you are important, you are worthy and I see you!!!

A decade has passed.....nearly lol

      Wow, I can’t really believe it, 10 years ago I had no idea the path my life would take, the physical and emotional tolls I would face, the loss and treasure found. In the last year I’ve put myself on a path of rediscovery, to find me again, after so much torment, one of my favourite releases has started flowing again, I’ve found my words, I’m releasing instead of internalizing, so here is my first release of many, as I lighten the burden from my soul.

      The Creation of My Phoenix!

Blackness against the stark white,
Intruding, poisoning, taking over,
Blackness the colour of betrayal, my body betraying me,
Cells fighting cells, will power fighting despair,
Poison flowing through my veins, hands ice cold,
Friends who can’t cope, distance spreading further apart,
Family scared, fear in the eyes,
Don’t fall apart, don’t show the pain, strength use it, show it,
Never backing down, giving in not an option,
I will win, survival at all costs,
Rise from the ashes, like the Phoenix!!

Let it all hang out!!!

     Well it’s been a while since I last posted. I had felt more in control and able to deal with stuff, plus life got really busy. But now I’m needing to let some stuff out, because frankly if I hold it in much longer I’ll explode.
     Life was going pretty well last year, I had to make some hard decisions, I went back to work for the sake of my family, I still kept the business going, but I also needed to bring in additional income. So after making that difficult decision I found a job I enjoyed with great workmates and things were looking up. I was happy in my personal life, had a great bunch of friends, family was going well and I was earning a good wage and feeling useful.
     Then it all changed, we found out we would be moving, the joys of being a navy wife, hubby left early, so we continued without him. Then my world collapsed around me. My children fell apart and it led to the darkest time my family has ever experienced. It’s still a very difficult subject to talk about so I’ll cover that another time.
     But while my world was falling apart I retreated, I circled the wagons to protect my family and focused on getting my kids the help they needed while staying strong for everyone, but inside I was a mess, I was falling apart, I felt so alone, I couldn’t talk about it and in my time of need, I had no one. Out of nowhere a supposed good friend just turned on me, I still have no idea why, she just stopped talking to me, I pretended it didn’t hurt, but it did and it still does.
     I know I’m not over it because now it’s affecting my health, holding in my pain, disappointment and bitterness has given me a migraine of epic proportions, plus an ulcer in my mouth, now if you believe in such things and I do sometimes, a mouth ulcer comes from holding in what you really want to say. So I’m letting it all out here.
     I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m lonely and I’m so tired of being the strong one, I’m over hiding my pain behind a smile, putting on a brave face for the world to see. Fuck you all that have ignored my pain, to those who turned away, keep turning and don’t come back, don’t ever expect me to be there for you, because I’m done, I finally see right through your bullshit and I don’t need it or you in my life. The day you realize what you have thrown away will be too late, because I’m gone and I’m not coming back. Have a nice life, because I know I will without you in it.
     I’m not saying I now magically feel fine again, cause that’s ridiculous, but by acknowledging my pain finally, I feel lighter and able to move forward, looking back is not doing me any favors, so my focus is changing, day by day!!!!

Let go of the bullshit......

        Is it the things we dislike most about ourselves that annoy us about other people? Do we project our moods onto to others to reflect back at us? Can we control not only our moods and responses, but those of the ones closest to us? 

      I was told the other day, that you can't find something annoying about someone else unless it's something you dislike about yourself, because unless you have thought and felt it before you wouldn't be able to recognize it. How do you know how something feels or affects you if it's hasn't affected you in the past.

      We manage to project our own feelings about situations onto others, then we get upset and annoyed when they don't react how we want them to. But are we just setting them up to fail, because we haven't given them the tools to react in the way that pleases us?

      Is it possible we do this because we ourselves don't know what pleases us? If you are not happy with yourself how can anyone else be? If you don't like or love yourself how can anyone else??

      We spend our lives searching for happiness and love, but until we are happy within ourselves and love the person we are, instead of the person we think we have to be, we can expect others to love us. The person you are is the person you create, you are the only person able to change that, you just need to want that.  It's only when you can be happy just being you, that others will to, they will reflect back the happiness and love that you project.

      Never forget you are unique, you are one of a kind, no one else will vet be you, but they can love you and enjoy being with you, once you do the same. It's time to let go of the bullshit expectations and just enjoy living, being, loving, because in the end nothing else matters!!!

Seven year emotional itch!!

      Seven years have passed, some days it feels like time has dragged, others I look back and think 7 years, where the hell did they go. Every year the anniversary of my diagnosis feels different, the way I react to it is different.

      This year I needed to reflect, to pause, look back and assess where I'd been and where I was going. I was happy to be alone this year, I didn't feel the need to surround myself with others for support. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an easy day, the emotions it stirs are not pretty, they are raw and painful. I'm fairly sure that won't change, but the way I react and handle it, that's what's changing.

      The personal development work I've been doing has helped me in lots of ways, it's helped me to see, that I can feel and acknowledge  these emotions, without dwelling on them or using them as an excuse to spiral down again. Looking back can be an great way to assess your progress, but if we constantly look back, we miss what's happening right in front of us.

     So from now on I'm focusing on what's ahead of me, the past is done and gone, it can't be changed, so no point dwelling on regrets. Keep your eyes on the future and all the adventures yet to be lived!!!      

Toxic friends......why do we keep them??

       We all have that one friend, the one who drives us insane to the point of wanting to avoid them, the one who we are scared to be brutally honest with as it will give them another chance to play the victim. What is the best way to deal, is total avoidance easier or do we just keep our mouths closed and leave them to wallow. It often seems no matter what path we choose we are in the wrong, many can't handle a friend who is brutally honest, they prefer a friend who blows wind up their arse, they need a label for everyone around them as an excuse for laziness, poor behavior  or just plain ignorance. 

      Why do we choose to remain friends with these toxic people, are we programmed to find others to stop us feeling lonely or do we like to feel superior to these poor saps, we can denigrate their lives while avoiding the truth of our own lives. Judging people is so easy to do, we are all guilty of it, even those martyrs who claim they don't judge others.

      
      If these people are so toxic to us, what is the point in keeping them close to us? Have we as a society become so scared of offending people, that we keep people in our lives that make it harder, that make us feel like shit when in their company. We need to ask ourselves what is more important, the amount of friends we have or the quality of the people we are friends with.

      So what's the best way to deal with these so called friends, because honestly can they be called friends when they are so toxic? Honesty can help, many people don't like hearing the truth when they want to be the victim, so if you are always honest they may decide to look elsewhere for sympathy. I find quiet indifference often works, appearing to listen but never committing to helping. Avoiding them completely can be a great relief, if that is possible within your social circle.

       But what it really all boils down to, is asking yourself how much value you place on your time? Because all the time you waste on listening, advising or trying to help will be for nothing in the long run, because fixing a problem means not getting anymore attention and attention is the one thing a toxic person craves. So it's time for big girl panties and a dose of harden the fuck up, if that doesn't work, time to walk away, I believe it's much better to have a few good friends who value you as much as you value them, than to have a bunch of toxic pains in your arses who suck the life right out of you.

      Man up, piss them off and get on with enjoying life the way it should be enjoyed, with good friends, great food and amazing booze!!!!

Adulting........it's too hard!!

      Why is being an adult so hard somedays? We all have days when we are sick of being the responsible one, sick of making all the decisions. Why can't we have a blanket fort day, just like a sick day, but instead a day to hide away from the world and feel free again.

        If kids are allowed a day to just chill without structure, why aren't we?? Wouldn't you just live a day to yourself? To do as you please for a change, not to look after everyone and their dog, to jot have to remember everyone else's shit, to just be you. God how heavenly would that be.

       Remember all the times your mother told you not to wish your childhood away, oh god do I get that now. Just one day, that's all I need, one day to do what I want, to not worry about what I should be doing.

       What would your one day include??   Mine would be started with a sleep in, the a long walk along a gorgeous beach, sand between my toes, sea breeze in my hair, the gentle lap of waves. Then I'd move onto a long boozy lunch with all the foods I shouldn't be eating, hopefully enjoyed with some close friends. Then to finish the day a good book, my favorite snacks and bourbon. That is my idea of heaven.

      Now I just need to get rid of the kids and husband so I can lol, one day I will, it's a promise I'm making to myself!!!

Who are You??

      Who are we really?? In a era filled will life coaches, motivational speakers and self help gurus, who are you?? We are bombarded with messages like "be your authentic self", "you are the captain of your ship" and "only you are responsible for your happiness". But what the hell does it all mean?

      When you listen to a speaker who's job it is to make you question every aspect of your life, do you embrace the questions or worry about what the answers will be. Are you sitting there thinking, shit do I really do that? am I projecting my shit onto others? Or are you the person in the room mentally doing your shopping list? Does it have to be at a certain time in your life,  for these lessons to make sense? Is figuring ourselves out, the same as stopping smoking? You need to want to do it and be open to it, someone else telling you want to do before you yourself are ready, just goes in one ear and out the other.

      This is just a snippet of the whirlwind inside my head at the moment, it's been going on for the last 24hrs, ever since I listened to a wonderful lady speak, someone who inspires me greatly. During her talk, many times it felt like she was looking into my thoughts as she spoke. The result of this being, a overwhelming feeling of restlessness, a lack of satisfaction with myself. It helped me to recognize why I feel so disconnected lately, so lacking in purpose. 

      The big problem with that, is now to figure out my purpose, to figure out who I really am, not who I am as a wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend. Me the person who is both all and none of these. Me who only I know the best or hopefully will soon. 

     So the next path begins, time to find my "authentic self", the real no holds barred woman hiding under layers of bullshit, the person who has so far survived all the shitnlife has thrown at her. Time to stop hiding, stop pretending, stop being who others expect me to be, time for real. I can guarantee it's not going to be pretty, I know I'll lose a few people along the way,  but hopefully those who are true, will stick with me, if not it's time to find my people who will, only time will tell who will survive.

      Ok authentic self, here I come,  ready or not!!!!!!!

Self Sabotage....we all do it!!!

      Things were going along nicely, I was feeling better, I was making progress, I was doing something to help myself, fuck I was actually liking myself, then boom I wake up today and its gone, FFS how can a lousy 6 hours sleeping undo the bloody hard work of the last 2 weeks, my mind is so screwed up that it messed me up again and people wonder why I drink.

      After hitting the lows I had hit lately, I made a conscious decision to pull myself up and get the hell on with it, no point wallowing in my own pity party, they are only fun for so long. Besides it was time to listen to my own rants, nothing changes while you whinge about it. We all know someone who constantly complains but never wants to try any suggestions given to them, because if they fix their problems what will they have to complain bout. 

      So if I am to be a worthwhile member of society, then I need to able to give those around me something of value, I need to top dragging myself and others down, because eventually, I'll end up so far down no one will ever see me. Jesus I need to stop reading inspirational quotes at stupid o'clock in the morning, I'm starting to sound like a twat. But on the other hand sounding like a twat is better than stealing the happy from everyone around me.

     But I've gone off on a tangent, so typical of me, the mind wanders to avoid the truth, get back on track stupid lmao.

    So step 1, I've acknowledged I'm being a big fat sook, looking for a pity party, for everyone else to fix me.

Step 2, Join up to a weight loss/fitness challenge to get a body I prefer to the one I'm living in right now, do it with others to make me accountable.

Step 3, Get my work/life balance sorted, so I'm not so bloody tired all the time.

      OK, the week started well, did my workouts, ate good foods, sorted a schedule, three days in, it all goes to shit, extreme period pain every time I move, craving for carbs and chocolate, the urge to sleep all day, hidden under a blanket. Adulting is to hard, I'm over being responsible, thinking for everyone else, remembering all their shit, making sure they are taken care of.

     WHAT ABOUT ME??????????????

We do it because we have to.....

      Why is it that we do things because we feel it is expected of us?? We do things because we have to?? Who are these magical beings who decide we should do this or that?? Who gets to rule us and make us how to an ideal?? Especially when the idea is so bloody warped!!

      Recently I had drinks with an amazing friend, I admire her so much, but in this conversation, which of course happened when we were under the influence of alcohol, the time when we can't help but be honest lol, she asked a question which I answered freely, maybe too freely for my liking due to the amount of wild turkey I had consumed.

      The answer I gave when I think about it sober in the cold light of day, was so honest, something I'm very afraid of these days, when you have a lot of very fucked up feelings running through your mind. People don't always appreciate that honesty.

      The scariest part was, my dearest husband was present for the question and answer, do you think we have discussed what I said, fuck no, that would mean he would have to face my feelings of despair and inadequacy. We wouldn't want him to try to adult, would we.

      Maybe he just doesn't want to deal with a wife who feels ugly, alone and half a woman, a woman who feels her sexuality has been destroyed, a woman who feels that she will never feel sexy again.

     Do I sound bitter? Hell yeah  I'm bitter, I hated my damn self and did I get at reaction, nope none at all, why the hell do I stay and put up with this shit. Maybe because if I can't find myself attractive, then who will? But I'm pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive anymore, so what is the point???

      Why stay when everything is so wrong? Because I don't want a second failed marriage? Because it's my fault? I don't feel whole or attractive or a woman, so it must be my fault, because that's what we have been taught to believe !!!

Just existing!!!

      You know all those cute little memes, that say no relationship is perfect, it's just two people who are always trying! Well I think we have stopped trying and are just existing, not even coexisting, because some days I just wish he would deploy again, some days I dread the time he is due home from work, when did trying stop being an option for us??

       Should you always keep trying no matter what?? Or is getting rebuffed and ignored for a major space in time a good enough reason to stop trying? If only one person is trying can anything ever turn out well? Do we even want to try anymore??

      These are all the questions that flow through an exhausted mind when sleep is hiding. Are they questions that should be shelved for a time when a lucid, rested mind can ponder them more thoroughly? 

      Then of course come the reasonings and excuses, why would he want or desire you? You hate yourself, you are unworthy, you are useless and worthless. 

How is he supposed to know what you are feeling if you don't tell him, well maybe if he was open to having a conversation I could, but he is shut off, hiding from me and I don't have what it takes to break through. Maybe I never will, but I'm too gutless to break free and walk away, so I deserve every bit of misery I receive.

      Stop bloody thinking, time for sleep, that's if the arsehole neighbors will finally shut up. Night all and ask yourself if you are not trying anymore, is it worth it!!!

Rock Bottom Again.....

      Well hello rock bottom, I haven't seen you for a long time, I was so sure I'd crawled my way back up and away from you, but no I fell again and it really hurt when I hit this time. I thought I was going so well, little hiccups but keeping my head above water, then it all built up and bam, straight back down that damn rabbit hole, now the struggle back up.

      I hit my lowest point in years this week, lower possibly than I've ever been before. Everything just got so bad that I got in my car and just started driving, with no direction or plan in mind. As I was driving I was horrified to find myself contemplating driving off the road and into a tree or crossing the centre line into the path of a truck, but my concern for the truck driver and the emergency services that would have to clean up my mess held me back, plus the feeling that I wouldn't be able to even commit suicide correctly, instead I'd end up alive and an even bigger useless burden on my family.

      I know I should be grateful, I should appreciate that I didn't suffer as others did from the breast cancer, but fuck me, it turned my whole life upside down and some parts of my life will never be right again. It's time I faced the facts, I'm to broken to be the person I used to be and the new me isn't everyone's cup of tea, not even my husbands it seems. 

      So where to from here, fuck knows, I've fresh out of ideas, I tired of being me and tired of life!!!!

Fear

Fear, gut wrenching, soul destroying fear, the type that stops you in your tracks, it catches your breath and distorts your dreams. Where does it come from, why does it occur, what influences it? Where does our self belief go, what erodes it? Leaving behind shells of our former selves struggling just to put one foot in front of the other each day.

Is it something we create ourselves or a visceral response to what is going on around us at the time. How does something small and relatively minor lead to fear so strong it literally hits you deep inside? Why do we let it defeat us?

These are the questions, plus many more that plague us late at night when insomnia steals out sleep and instead our minds go to the dark places that daytime and activity keep at bay. The ease with which we can slip into these dark scary places, is enough to give us pause, most of the time anyway.

Other times it's easy, even comfortable to slip into the embrace of darkness, it's getting out of that embrace that can prove difficult, but in the long run, so much more worthwhile. 

So instead of looking for the answers, maybe instead the best course of action is to stare the fear down, push it away, keep it at bay and ignore the darkness, focus on the light and love, hopefully eventually the light is where we will be!!!

Nothing changes while it stays the same!!!!

      I know I've been a bit quiet lately, it's just I don't want to seem like I'm constantly repeating myself, banging on about the same shit. It's been 6 years since I was diagnosed, so over 5 years since I finished treatment. Some things have changed, but many have stayed the same. I'll have really good days, then bam it hits again, don't want to leave the house, don't want to face the world or anyone in it. There are only so many therapists you can see, it's just a bloody big merry go round, a right bitch to get off.

      So far this year I've just been existing, plodding along, getting the things that need doing done. I've lost passion for everything. Wallowing and doubting myself has been allowed to creep back into my life. But no more, I've acknowledged it, so it's time to change it. Slowly one step at a time I will do this. 

      The first step had happened, I needed something new to be passionate about, then this should flow down to other parts of my life. I started using and learning about essential oils, now I'm a wellness advocate for Doterra, I'm bringing more natural solutions into my families health and loving sharing with others. 

     Step two is coming soon, so stay tuned, it's all about accountability, so time to be accountable, help me keep looking forward instead of backwards.

2016 is going to be the year of me!!!!

      That's it, this year is going to be mine, it's going to be about getting me to a me I like, possibly even love, although I think that could be a stretch lol!!!!

     Another year is complete, Christmas has been and gone, it was a quiet family affair this time around, but it was nice to be together as a family. The day we farewelled hubby was bittersweet, we are so proud of what he does, but we didn't want him to leave for so long. Wharf goodbyes are so difficult, you are surrounded by thousands of people saying goodbye to ones they love, but I don't show a lot of emotion in public, so I'm not one of those wives who clings to her husband balling my eyes out, I don't have any problem with those who do, until they judge me. Yes I've been told I'm a cold hearted bitch before due to my lack of emotion, but I prefer to do my grieving in private, it's just how I'm made I guess. 

      So New Year's Eve came around, a night a home with my youngest, we have to make sure our poor dog doesn't hurt herself when she gets scared by the idiots who let off illegal fireworks, so while passing a quiet night at home, I had plenty of time to look back over the year gone by, to think about things I did, some I should have done and a few I probably shouldn't done, but the past is the past as they say, can't change it, but we can learn from it, that's what I plan on doing this year.

      

       So the plan this year is focus more on myself than I have been, I need to be happy and healthy for my family to be happy and healthy, which is so easy to say, but harder to put into action, it's in a mother and wives nature to put their family first. This year with me doing so much solo parenting, being organised is going to get me through, so it's time to start schedules and lists, time to make sure I am alot higher on those lists this year, instead of putting myself last, time to add some of the things that make me feel good about myself, to slowdown and enjoy my life.

      Well that's the plan, let's see if the plan actually comes to fruition!!!! 

Countdowns

       Countdowns are they a time of excitement and anticipation? Or can they make preparations for a departure so much more agonizing?

       It's that time of year now when everyone is counting down, counting down to holidays, to Christmas, to a New Year ahead, most of these countdowns are faced with excitement and joy, but not me, not at the moment, don't get me wrong I'm looking forward to Christmas, I just wish the days would go a little slower, you see, my husbands sails away 5 days after Christmas for 7 months!!

        It's not a new scenario him sailing away, I've been doing this for over 20 yrs now, it's more that our world seems to be so rapidly changing, so many new threats around and so many who don't seem to follow any sort of rules, because even though war is terrible it does have some sorts of rules and moralities. This new breed of terror has none of these and with my husband heading into that area of the world, it has been giving things a second thought. I have no doubt he will return to us safe and sound, but recent events have given me pause for thought.

       So if I don't seem overjoyed when you post your daily countdown to Christmas on Facebook, maybe spare a thought for those who may be counting down to more unpleasant things, because while Christmas is a time of joy and sharing it can also be a lonely, sad time of year, especially for those far away from their families or those who are alone.

      I will try not to put a dampener on your excitement if you remember that my joy is tempered with the sadness of impending goodbyes.

Expectations

      Isnt it funny how we build things up in our heads? Often we place high expectations on things, only to be left feeling let down. Are we justified in feeling  let down or have we put unjust expectations onto the situation?

      This weekend just gone was one of these such occurrences, hubby was due home on Friday night, I knew he would be late, so we were picking him up from his ship. After the wonderful weekend we had had a week before, plus the euphoric feelings I had experienced all week, I had very high expectations of what our weekend would be like. Unfortunately my husband had no idea of this.

      From the moment we picked him up it was obvious things were not going to go as they had in my head. Hubby had been through a couple of very rough days work wise, so he was tired and very cranky. As I came to understand how bad his week had been, I felt my hopes crumble to dust.

      None of this was my husbands fault, intellectually I knew this, but old habits die hard, I retreated into myself, feeling neglected and let down. We had such a high a week before and now we were hitting a big low, although that low was intensified by the expectations that I had placed on the situation. I was disappointed in my husband and feeling like I didn't matter. Maybe if I had let my husband know what I was feeling, things may have turned out differently.

      So now I have a week of wondering what if, plus I'm rehashing my behavior and reactions to my expectations. The one good thing to come from the last week has been the realization I can now recognize these behaviors and reaction, helping myself to fix them, so that means the months of therapy were not wasted!!

To blog or not to blog?? That is the question

      How often is too often when it comes to blogging? Should we only blog when we have something truly worthwhile & thought provoking to say? But then again who decides what is worthwhile and thought provoking? Or should we blog everyday to keep people's attention, even when that post is liable to be inane?Has blogging just replaced the diaries we once had under our mattresses?

      Is blogging the new way of having a diary or journal? Didn't we hide our diaries so no one could read them? Or was that just what we said? When does a blog become just a pile a narcissistic garbage? 

      Really the point behind a blog is to get people to read it, but can it be used as a outlet, a relief valve, a way of talking through the problems in our heads? Or are most blogs just attention seeking? If we don't tell people we are writing a blog, does it mean we are scared to share our writing or are we just using it as a sounding board to release the volcano of thoughts in our heads.

      I haven't told many people about my blog, for a couple of reasons, one was because when I started the emotions I was releasing were to raw to share, it was to save my sanity that started the flow. Two I didn't need the validation from others about what I wrote, plus I kinda hoped that if people going through similar shit to mine were searching they may find my ramblings and draw some help from them.

      I certainly didn't feel the urge to email invite everyone I knew to follow my new blog, I didn't feel the need to jump up and down screaming look at me, I'm so unhappy with myself I need the validation of others to feel good.

      So for now, I think I'll just keep going the way I have been, when something bugs me enough to write about it I will, I'll probably never be consistent with my posts, some weeks I can post every day, others I don't feel I have anything to say, if someone else reads my ramblings that's good if not, I'll survive. Maybe I'll help someone else to understand how they are feeling or help them feel a little better, if that happens it would be wonderful, but for now this is me, warts and all!!!

It's the little things...

      It's the little things in life that often give us the most simple unexpected pleasure, today is clean sheet day in my house, slipping into clean crisp sheets is one of those little pleasure that make you feel amazing. tonight I get that pleasure all to myself, with my husband being away again. 

     At the moment the simple pleasures are the most important to me, with hubby away all week, we make the most of our weekends together, after a very tumultuous year, I am enjoying actually missing my husband when he is away. I am starting to feel so much more connected to him again. Its a wonderful feeling to have my best friend back, its not all smooth sailing but we are making progress.

      We only had one day together on our latest weekend, but it was a great day, we laughed, we played, I felt so comfortable around him, something that has been hit and miss this year. I love my husband so much and I think I'm actually starting to fall in love with him again, I'm trusting him with my heart and thoughts again, I really believe we are on the way to being whole and healthy again as a team.

      This past weekend really felt like a turning point within me, I went out with two different groups of friends and had a really enjoyable time mostly. In one group I still feel very much on the outside looking in, but you know what, I'm good with that at the moment, I know who I can turn to for my needs and who I can relay on. At this current phase in my rediscovery of myself I'm happy to be a little on the outside, mainly because then I don't feel obligated in any way to anyone. 

      The other group however, is amazing, I'm never afraid to be me, warts and all, they accept who I am, they don't judge me and they are always willing to tell it to me straight, no holds barred. I have never felt more comfortable with a bunch of girls, I don't feel like I have to try around them or pretend or hold my tongue. I smile when I think of my girls and I smile the whole time I am with my girls. 

     These days the dark times are getting shorter and less intense, in part to my girls, who surround me with support when I need it and great fun at other times, they are my sisters that I never had, I count my blessings every time we are together.

      So yes at the moment the simple, little things are so important to me, a text, a smile, a hug or tender kiss, simple pleasures!!!!

Reflections

     This time a year ago, I was the length of the country away from my home and family, I was celebrating the wedding of a dear friend, but I was also taking some away from my life, my family and my marriage. I was taking an opportunity to examine myself and my life without the everyday pressures of home, to decide what it was I wanted and needed.

      Those precious few days helped me to forget for a moment, the struggles j was experiencing, the personal, the emotional, the physical. It had been such a long time since I had no one else to worry about, no children to feed, organize and taxi around, no house to keep under control, no husband driving me insane. It was rather liberating in a way, I felt a little giddy with the freedom of only worrying about getting myself home at the end of a night out.

      The space also helped me to focus on the bigger picture, to look at the main problems without the interference of tiny little issues that blurred things. It's amazing how watching the most amazing sunsets can give you a bit of clarity.

      In many ways a couple of days spent far from my family, saved my family, by gaining distance, my focus changed to the things that mattered the most, I was able to see a way forward. I could see a resolution that involved healing instead of heartbreak. 

      For the first time in a long time as I watched a gorgeous couple vow to love one another for the rest of their lives, I felt the love I had shared with my husband, I missed him and I wanted to be with him. I was finally starting to see forever again.

      It still wasn't smooth sailing from that point, but it was a start, our marriage is still a work in progress, but I'm happy to still be working at it, I'm feelin stronger all the time and feeling more alive every day. I believe that a successful marriage isn't perfect, but it contains to people willing to keep working towards perfect, even if they never reach it!!