Countdowns

       Countdowns are they a time of excitement and anticipation? Or can they make preparations for a departure so much more agonizing?

       It's that time of year now when everyone is counting down, counting down to holidays, to Christmas, to a New Year ahead, most of these countdowns are faced with excitement and joy, but not me, not at the moment, don't get me wrong I'm looking forward to Christmas, I just wish the days would go a little slower, you see, my husbands sails away 5 days after Christmas for 7 months!!

        It's not a new scenario him sailing away, I've been doing this for over 20 yrs now, it's more that our world seems to be so rapidly changing, so many new threats around and so many who don't seem to follow any sort of rules, because even though war is terrible it does have some sorts of rules and moralities. This new breed of terror has none of these and with my husband heading into that area of the world, it has been giving things a second thought. I have no doubt he will return to us safe and sound, but recent events have given me pause for thought.

       So if I don't seem overjoyed when you post your daily countdown to Christmas on Facebook, maybe spare a thought for those who may be counting down to more unpleasant things, because while Christmas is a time of joy and sharing it can also be a lonely, sad time of year, especially for those far away from their families or those who are alone.

      I will try not to put a dampener on your excitement if you remember that my joy is tempered with the sadness of impending goodbyes.

Expectations

      Isnt it funny how we build things up in our heads? Often we place high expectations on things, only to be left feeling let down. Are we justified in feeling  let down or have we put unjust expectations onto the situation?

      This weekend just gone was one of these such occurrences, hubby was due home on Friday night, I knew he would be late, so we were picking him up from his ship. After the wonderful weekend we had had a week before, plus the euphoric feelings I had experienced all week, I had very high expectations of what our weekend would be like. Unfortunately my husband had no idea of this.

      From the moment we picked him up it was obvious things were not going to go as they had in my head. Hubby had been through a couple of very rough days work wise, so he was tired and very cranky. As I came to understand how bad his week had been, I felt my hopes crumble to dust.

      None of this was my husbands fault, intellectually I knew this, but old habits die hard, I retreated into myself, feeling neglected and let down. We had such a high a week before and now we were hitting a big low, although that low was intensified by the expectations that I had placed on the situation. I was disappointed in my husband and feeling like I didn't matter. Maybe if I had let my husband know what I was feeling, things may have turned out differently.

      So now I have a week of wondering what if, plus I'm rehashing my behavior and reactions to my expectations. The one good thing to come from the last week has been the realization I can now recognize these behaviors and reaction, helping myself to fix them, so that means the months of therapy were not wasted!!

To blog or not to blog?? That is the question

      How often is too often when it comes to blogging? Should we only blog when we have something truly worthwhile & thought provoking to say? But then again who decides what is worthwhile and thought provoking? Or should we blog everyday to keep people's attention, even when that post is liable to be inane?Has blogging just replaced the diaries we once had under our mattresses?

      Is blogging the new way of having a diary or journal? Didn't we hide our diaries so no one could read them? Or was that just what we said? When does a blog become just a pile a narcissistic garbage? 

      Really the point behind a blog is to get people to read it, but can it be used as a outlet, a relief valve, a way of talking through the problems in our heads? Or are most blogs just attention seeking? If we don't tell people we are writing a blog, does it mean we are scared to share our writing or are we just using it as a sounding board to release the volcano of thoughts in our heads.

      I haven't told many people about my blog, for a couple of reasons, one was because when I started the emotions I was releasing were to raw to share, it was to save my sanity that started the flow. Two I didn't need the validation from others about what I wrote, plus I kinda hoped that if people going through similar shit to mine were searching they may find my ramblings and draw some help from them.

      I certainly didn't feel the urge to email invite everyone I knew to follow my new blog, I didn't feel the need to jump up and down screaming look at me, I'm so unhappy with myself I need the validation of others to feel good.

      So for now, I think I'll just keep going the way I have been, when something bugs me enough to write about it I will, I'll probably never be consistent with my posts, some weeks I can post every day, others I don't feel I have anything to say, if someone else reads my ramblings that's good if not, I'll survive. Maybe I'll help someone else to understand how they are feeling or help them feel a little better, if that happens it would be wonderful, but for now this is me, warts and all!!!

It's the little things...

      It's the little things in life that often give us the most simple unexpected pleasure, today is clean sheet day in my house, slipping into clean crisp sheets is one of those little pleasure that make you feel amazing. tonight I get that pleasure all to myself, with my husband being away again. 

     At the moment the simple pleasures are the most important to me, with hubby away all week, we make the most of our weekends together, after a very tumultuous year, I am enjoying actually missing my husband when he is away. I am starting to feel so much more connected to him again. Its a wonderful feeling to have my best friend back, its not all smooth sailing but we are making progress.

      We only had one day together on our latest weekend, but it was a great day, we laughed, we played, I felt so comfortable around him, something that has been hit and miss this year. I love my husband so much and I think I'm actually starting to fall in love with him again, I'm trusting him with my heart and thoughts again, I really believe we are on the way to being whole and healthy again as a team.

      This past weekend really felt like a turning point within me, I went out with two different groups of friends and had a really enjoyable time mostly. In one group I still feel very much on the outside looking in, but you know what, I'm good with that at the moment, I know who I can turn to for my needs and who I can relay on. At this current phase in my rediscovery of myself I'm happy to be a little on the outside, mainly because then I don't feel obligated in any way to anyone. 

      The other group however, is amazing, I'm never afraid to be me, warts and all, they accept who I am, they don't judge me and they are always willing to tell it to me straight, no holds barred. I have never felt more comfortable with a bunch of girls, I don't feel like I have to try around them or pretend or hold my tongue. I smile when I think of my girls and I smile the whole time I am with my girls. 

     These days the dark times are getting shorter and less intense, in part to my girls, who surround me with support when I need it and great fun at other times, they are my sisters that I never had, I count my blessings every time we are together.

      So yes at the moment the simple, little things are so important to me, a text, a smile, a hug or tender kiss, simple pleasures!!!!

Reflections

     This time a year ago, I was the length of the country away from my home and family, I was celebrating the wedding of a dear friend, but I was also taking some away from my life, my family and my marriage. I was taking an opportunity to examine myself and my life without the everyday pressures of home, to decide what it was I wanted and needed.

      Those precious few days helped me to forget for a moment, the struggles j was experiencing, the personal, the emotional, the physical. It had been such a long time since I had no one else to worry about, no children to feed, organize and taxi around, no house to keep under control, no husband driving me insane. It was rather liberating in a way, I felt a little giddy with the freedom of only worrying about getting myself home at the end of a night out.

      The space also helped me to focus on the bigger picture, to look at the main problems without the interference of tiny little issues that blurred things. It's amazing how watching the most amazing sunsets can give you a bit of clarity.

      In many ways a couple of days spent far from my family, saved my family, by gaining distance, my focus changed to the things that mattered the most, I was able to see a way forward. I could see a resolution that involved healing instead of heartbreak. 

      For the first time in a long time as I watched a gorgeous couple vow to love one another for the rest of their lives, I felt the love I had shared with my husband, I missed him and I wanted to be with him. I was finally starting to see forever again.

      It still wasn't smooth sailing from that point, but it was a start, our marriage is still a work in progress, but I'm happy to still be working at it, I'm feelin stronger all the time and feeling more alive every day. I believe that a successful marriage isn't perfect, but it contains to people willing to keep working towards perfect, even if they never reach it!!

Black Hole....

      Have you ever sat staring out the window or at the TV, but not seeing anything, instead you are holding tight to the last piece of control, the piece that is stopping an avalanche of emotions from coming out? Holding those tears in, the anger, the despair or the loneliness. Wondering what the point of anything is anymore?

      Why are we so afraid to voice these dark emotions and thoughts? Is it the fear of being vulnerable? Or perhaps the thought of scaring those around us? How can anyone possibly understand the reasons behind our thoughts, when we don't. 

      This is why mental illness and depression are such incidious diseases, on the outside there are no systems, no physical manifestations, unless people are able to penetrate the facade of normality they never know, the maelstrom of feelings going on. The crippling self doubt, the self loathing and the crushing fear. 

      These emotions can well up at anytime, without warning, sometimes without apparent reason. We are unable to control them or combat them, we can only ride the wave and hope to come out the other side, without further damaging ourselves or those around us.

       Surviving the black hole, is about hope, hope that the light will keep shining, giving me something to anchor to, so I don't get lost. Hope that each day I wake up, a little stronger, with a little more confidence, hope that one day the good days will outnumber the bad. Until then it's a case of keeping the wall up, painting on a happy face and praying that I can convince everyone else I'm ok, because if I succeed in convincing others, maybe one day I'll convince myself.

      

      

Midnight meanderings of the mind!!

      I'm laying here, supposed to be sleeping, but I can't, my old friend insomnia has risen it's ugly head. So I'm reviewing my day, it's been pretty productive, I got work done for the business, housework, shopping, the usual household chores, then I finished a blog post I'd been working on gradually, unlike most of my posts, this one took a few days to write, the words didn't seem to flow the way they normally do, but tonight the final pieces came together And I suppose by closing that one off, it have my mind free rein to wander again, so it looks like a double post night.

      I've learnt over the last few years that when my insomnia strikes again, it's because I'm having trouble switching off, hell that's why this blog was born. By putting down into writing the crap floating around  my head, I was able to focus better and relax, which meant I could sleep.

      So why can't I switch off tonight, it could be the weather, it's been raining all day which in itself doesn't bother me, I love listening to rain, but tonight the wind has come up, not a gentle breeze, the type of wind that rips limbs from trees, I'm so not a fan of winds like these. But I don't think it's that.

      It's the last day of school holidays today and I will admit I'm a little anxious about my boy returning to school tomorrow, I wasn't entirely happy with some of the friends he had made last term or the choices he had made, so that's floating around the back of my mind.

      I know I'm nervous, tomorrow I have a stall at a local women's business expo, I'm hoping to sell some of my products and make new connections, but I'm doing my usual of second guessing if I'm good enough. Must repeat to myself, I have worked hard and I deserve success.

      I'm worried about a family member in hospital, even though I know they are getting the best possible care and I'm worried about a friend who is in a very dark place at the moment. When someone is so down and depressed there is only so much we can do, I know that from both sides of the coin, hopefully I was able to help just a tiny bit tonight, to give a small amount of perspective, being supportive and really listen can sometimes make all the difference, at least that's what I choose to believe.

      Well that has helped a little, it's amazing how organizing ones thoughts can help with the switching off mechanism, so now it's time to put down the electronics and practice some of the relaxation techniques I was taught, I've got nothing to lose. Goodnight hopefully lol!!

Love Thyself!!!

       Do you love yourself? Not in the vain sense, but do you feel comfortable in your own skin, are you happy with the person you have become?

      When we are bombarded with images of what perfection supposedly is, it becomes hard to subjectively judge ourselves. Humans especially woman are their own worse critics. We compare ourselves to others, find ourselves wanting on so many levels, we struggle to just be comfortable. 

      Being comfortable and happy with oneself is more than just what's on the outside, the prettiest, most slender woman in the world is not happy if she doesn't love who she is. We are a complete package, not just looks or weight or wealth. Being happy comes from within, from a place that can only be touched and influenced by yourself.

     Those little demon voices in your head only have the power when you give it to them. Why is it we choose to believe one bad thing about ourselves, even when it is outnumbered 10 to 1 by the good? Why do we focus on the negatives and punish ourselves?

      We have the power to stop the negative cycle, we need to be wiling to work every day at reminding ourselves of how great we are, willing to push the negatives back, silence the little voices with faith, push ourselves to achieve, no matter how small the obstacle is.

      So take it slow, tiny baby steps, build it a little each day, wake up and remind yourself how great you are, remember what you have to give, the love you have to share, gradually it should become easier to believe the good around and inside of us, the negatives will hopefully fade to become insignificant, just blips we can deal with instead of huge obstacles. Only you can heal yourself!!!!

Happiness it's inside us, waiting to come out...

      How often do you sit and think? Really take time out from everything, to look around you, to consider where you are, what you are doing and where you are heading. In this world of constant go, go, go, should we take more time out? Or do we tend to only stop to ponder once something major happens in our lives?

      Today I had a chance to just stop for a while,to take a few cleansing breaths and think. Where am I at the moment? Is it where I want to be? Am I happy to be here? I think we should all take stock of our lives regularly, stop review things and make adjustments where needed.

      We spend so much of our lives worried about others, making sure our partners, kids, family are happy, taken care of and getting what they need, but how often do we focus on ourselves? Why do we feel guilty if we take time out, isn't our happiness and mental health just as important as everyone else's?

     The key to our happiness is inside of us all, we cannot be truely happy until we are happy within ourselves, no one else can help with that, it is the great conundrum which faces us all. The materialistic world we exist in, leads us to believe we can buy happiness, having more money, the latest car, being skinny or fashionable, are among the many things most of us strive for, believing once we achieve these goals happiness will follow, but it doesn't. Why??

      It's actually pretty simple, although can be difficult to achieve, once we are truely comfortable in our own skins and happy with who we are, then we can look to these other goals, they will then enhance the happiness we already have. 

      The inner me is not quite happy yet, but I'm working on it, I understand what I need to help with the process, it's not easy, but they say nothing worth doing is easy. I know I'm a work in progress, I also know that I take wrong turns, but it's getting easier to get back on track. I will find the happy medium I need, in the meantime I will remind myself to take time, to stop, relax and just breathe!!!

Finding Joy in the Small Things!!!

      Lately I find myself smiling more often, a thought will cross my mind that brings a smile, looking at my kids or hubby, even things like the sunset. What little things bring you joy????

      It is sad these days how wrapped up, in the material side of life we have become, it is so easy to do, but does buying and having things really make us happy? At the end of the day, they are just things, can buying the latest gadget make your child love you more than spending a day enjoying time together? I wonder sometimes what I will be remembered for? Will my kids remember I bought them the latest video game or will the remember times spent together, times when we laughed, played and just enjoyed being.

      Last week I had my parents here for a visit, it's school holidays, hubby still had to work, so did my eldest son, but I had mr12 with me. We took mum and dad to the local botanical gardens and went walking, 6kms we covered, up and down hills, through bush, joking and laughing as we went. It was an amazing day, a picnic lunch at the end. The memories are something we will treasure, three generation of my family having a great day together.

      There was so much to smile about, my son being such a boy and walking through a field of grass, that in places was up to his chest, the childish delight at making it through to the other side. The beauty of a tree full of butterflies and the gorgeous note of the bellbirds in the trees.

      It is experiences such as these we need to treasure, they build the library of memories that last a lifetime, not what latest gadget you can buy, remember to enjoy life, to experience life, stop watching life and participate to the fullest. Find joy with those you love, those who are closer to you, take life by the horns and wring every drop of living from it.

      Living a life full of regrets and missed oppurtunities, is not living at all!!!!!

The Sun is shining through the clouds.....

      After such a long period of darkness and instability, the sun is starting to peek through those clouds, my emotions are feeling more stable and the way forward is becoming clearer. Rediscovering myself and my purpose has been a roller coaster, many a time I feared the downs were so deep, there would not be any more ups. But the ups are being the norm, the downs fewer and fewer.

     I'm sorting the wheat from the chaff, putting my energy in to the things that make me happy, spending time with people worth making an effort to see, people who love and support me unselfishly. I thought letting go of the negatives and toxic people in my life would be harder, instead I feel lighter, free, in truth for the friendships that I have cut free, I feel no regrets, they had run there course and were no longer a healthy option for me.

      You shouldn't have to feel anxious about the people you spend time with, when they make you feel less of a person or not worthy, it's actually their own insecurities being projected onto you. Letting the dead weight go, is an exercise in self love, why let others drag you down, people who treat you badly or make you feel like crap are not worth your time, your emotions, your presence.

      To be able to feel accepted wholly, to feel so comfortable with the friends you have, to never hide yourself from them, that is the ultimate pleasure. To know I can be honest about myself, my feelings, my hopes and fears, has been the best aid to my healing. With love and support I have rediscovered most of my confidence, my self esteem is following as well, my path toward is getting clearer every day.

      The best thing anyone can do for there emotional wellbeing is to cut loose the negative Nancy's in your life, surround yourself with those who support you, who seek to help you heal, not those who make you feel like shit about yourself, being alone is better than being surrounded by toxic selfish people. Let go, take a deep breath and go forward, don't look back, keep heading towards the sun!!!!

5 years ago.......

      Anniversaries are interesting, they remind us of significant events in our lives, the celebrate beginnings, endings, times when our lives changed forever!     

      So 5 years ago, I was petrified, anxious and trying to be in denial. I was waiting for biopsy results, to find out if I had Breast cancer or not. It was a dreadful time, by choice my family had no idea. They were so far away, what was the point in worrying them until I had answers. It wasn't great news I relieved the next day, it turned my world upside down for nearly a year for treatment and a lot longer for the fallout.

     Every year on march 5th, it all comes back to me, the week leading up to this date is shit, its so hard to fully escape the effects of such an insidious disease, the bone deep fear of a relapse is in the back of my mind all the time, its so hard not to jump to the worst possible conclusions at every little ache or pain, cancerchondria is what we refer to it as.

     Most of the time, I can push it away, hide it behind a door in my mind, but the first week of march is always hard, I alternate between wanting to hide away, to wallow in my pain silently or to go out, to celebrate an another year survived, to surround myself with friends, but knowing which friends are there for the right reasons is another minefield in itself.

     This year, I'm thinking a day to myself, maybe a massage, some quiet reflection, then bourbon and chocolate as I relax in the evening. Its five years since I heard those awful words, but I'm still here, in some ways stronger, in others more vulnerable, the latest version of me is still under construction, but thats the beauty of living, I can be whoever I want to be!!!!

Reset and reboot!!!

      When life is overwhelming you and you feel like you are drowning, what do you do? Where do you go? Do you have a special place that helps you to reset and reboot your life?

       For me that place is the beach, any beach will do, usually around sunset, when the beach is relatively empty. I love being able to stroll along the edge of the water, avoiding the big waves. The feel of the sand between my toes, the smell of the salt air. I'm able to breathe deep and relax, to let all the problems in my life out and feel refreshed.

      Having a place to wind down, to let all the stress out is important, we all need to take a moment every now and then to just be. To forget our problems, to just remember what is really important, to just be!!

      So always remember to visit your place, to reset, reconnect or just to sit, to breathe, to exist, our mental health is just as  or even more important than our physical health. Without a healthy mindset our lives are messy and painful, taking an hour when you need it isn't selfish, it's healthy. The healthier in mind and soul we are, the happier we will be, which then flows down to our families and friends.

      So just remember to breathe, to let go and to just BE!!!!

What's your dream????

      Remember that line at the end of the movie Pretty Woman? What's your dream? 

      I've been thinking about that lately, what are my dreams? Are they still the same or have the experiences of the last 5 years changed them?

      Dreams are important, we need to have dreams to keep moving forward, having something to aim for, to keep us looking forward, makes life worth living. Our dreams change all the time, some we achieve and thus we move onto new dreams, some stay dreams forever, whereas others fade away, no longer relevant.

       My dreams are evolving, some I know will always be dreams, common sense just dictates that, but others I can and I will accomplish, I need to put more faith in my ability to achieve my dreams, the only person holding me back is me, the only voice I should be listening to is mine.

      So what's your dream?? 

Hold them tight.....while you can!!!

      This last week and a bit has been very difficult and sad for my family, we had to farewell an amazing young man taken way to young.  My son had to experience grief at losing a friend way to early in his life. This young man touched all who knew him, his infectious smile and love of life will be long remembered.. The one thing that stands out amongst all the grief is the urge to hold my loved ones and never let them go.

      Life can be cut short at a moments notice, you never know when it will be the last time you get to hold your loved one or tell them you love them. So do it every day, if they are with you, hug them, remind them in everything you do and say that you love them. Distance is never an excuse either, a message, a call, a video chat, there is always a way to share your love with others.

      Don't hold onto the problems or issues that arise, deal with them and move on, live each day to it fullest with those who mean the most to you, time is too precious to waste on pettiness, why waste time being angry, if people cause you pain, walk away, leave them far behind you. 

     Live your life in the light, hold onto to love of your family and friends, share the wonderful joy that is all around. Life is too short to live in the darkness and shadows. surround yourself with people who enjoy life and those who leave a positive impact on you, those who make you smile just by thinking of them. 

Is looking over your shoulder holding you back??

      Are you someone who is a glass half full or a glass half empty person?? Do you hold onto to old hurts and problems? Is constantly worrying about your past holding you back from your future?

      We have all experienced pain, rejection, betrayal, but what defines us is how we move on from these. The longer we cling to these, the more focused on the past we become and while we are so busy looking backwards, we miss out on living, on seeing what is right in front of us.

      Not that I'm saying letting go, moving on and not looking back is easy, it's not, it's bloody hard and I have struggled so badly trying to focus forward, but I can write the realistic the other night, I'm tired, I'm sick of clinging to what has happened and what might have been. It's time to look to the future, to stop being scared, to stop hiding away to protect myself.

      So lightbulb moment has occurred, I have an idea of what I want and where I'd like to head, but how do I do that? What is the next step I need to take? How do I stop making excuses and start making decisions? These answers I don't know, bug god the first time in a long time I'm willing to just believe and take a chance!!!!

Discovering your sexuality and sex life again- easy or hard??

      One of the first parts of your life to change during serious illness is your sex life. Trying to recover and rediscover this important part of ones life is bloody hard if you will pardon my pun.

       For someone who was used to initiating sex, the loss of libido is devastating, when your partner withdraws from you, making you feel inadequate and undesirable, the thought of putting yourself out there sexually is terrifying. Trying to come back from the despair at your illness, the changes in your body, your life and your own self image, the added stress of feeling no longer sexy and confident in the bedroom is soul destroying.

       So how do you move on, how do you reclaim what has been lost, how do you express to your partner what you need, when you have no bloody idea what that is! 

Here's to a New Year!!!

       It's that time of year again, a new year is starting so we look back on the past year and make resolutions to do better, to lose weight, to get more organised, but honestly how many of us succeed with those resolutions? This year I didn't make resolutions, I set myself goals to achieve, not all at once, gradually, step by step, without pressure or recriminations.

      For me last year was a year of turmoil, upheaval and the facing of many hidden truths. Thankfully after ALOT of hard work, my marriage has survived, it's still a work in progress, but it's moving forward, I faced some hard truths about myself, about who I'd allowed myself to become and I started thinking about who I would rather be, I'm not there by any stretch of the imagination, I have some ideas in my head of who that person could be, but that too is flexible.

      Until I'm truly happy with myself, how can I expect anyone else to love me, well that is the Rock and hard place question, many believe we need to love ourselves for others to love us, where others believe that when we are lost, those who love us should be there to help guide us back to ourselves. Myself I like a little from both camps of thought, we need to believe and love ourselves, so others can see the person worth loving, but also the people who have loved us the longest should be able to see through to the person they love and assist in helping that person shine through again.

       I needed to acknowledge to myself that not only had I let myself down, that I had been let down by those I needed the most, mostly this was not their fault, all our coping mechanisms are different, my expectations needed voicing by me, instead of hoping they could read my mind on occasion. I needed to confront my anger, my hurt, the feelings of betrayal head on, only then could I begin to heal again.

      In the past 12 months I have learnt to stop being so available to help others, I need to back away sometimes, to focus on my needs and my wellbeing, if doing so is selfish, then so be it, exhausting myself to help others and getting nothing in return will just destroy me, it's time for me, if some people can't deal with that, I'll survive, I've gotten through worse.

      It is true, some people are in our lives for a lifetime, while others are just there for a short time to help us learn, working out who fits where is the life lesson, so here's to 2015, a year to emerge again, to live life instead of just existing, stay tuned I think this year will be a doozy!!!