Recently I had drinks with an amazing friend, I admire her so much, but in this conversation, which of course happened when we were under the influence of alcohol, the time when we can't help but be honest lol, she asked a question which I answered freely, maybe too freely for my liking due to the amount of wild turkey I had consumed.
The answer I gave when I think about it sober in the cold light of day, was so honest, something I'm very afraid of these days, when you have a lot of very fucked up feelings running through your mind. People don't always appreciate that honesty.
The scariest part was, my dearest husband was present for the question and answer, do you think we have discussed what I said, fuck no, that would mean he would have to face my feelings of despair and inadequacy. We wouldn't want him to try to adult, would we.
Maybe he just doesn't want to deal with a wife who feels ugly, alone and half a woman, a woman who feels her sexuality has been destroyed, a woman who feels that she will never feel sexy again.
Do I sound bitter? Hell yeah I'm bitter, I hated my damn self and did I get at reaction, nope none at all, why the hell do I stay and put up with this shit. Maybe because if I can't find myself attractive, then who will? But I'm pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive anymore, so what is the point???
Why stay when everything is so wrong? Because I don't want a second failed marriage? Because it's my fault? I don't feel whole or attractive or a woman, so it must be my fault, because that's what we have been taught to believe !!!
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