A decade has passed.....nearly lol

      Wow, I can’t really believe it, 10 years ago I had no idea the path my life would take, the physical and emotional tolls I would face, the loss and treasure found. In the last year I’ve put myself on a path of rediscovery, to find me again, after so much torment, one of my favourite releases has started flowing again, I’ve found my words, I’m releasing instead of internalizing, so here is my first release of many, as I lighten the burden from my soul.

      The Creation of My Phoenix!

Blackness against the stark white,
Intruding, poisoning, taking over,
Blackness the colour of betrayal, my body betraying me,
Cells fighting cells, will power fighting despair,
Poison flowing through my veins, hands ice cold,
Friends who can’t cope, distance spreading further apart,
Family scared, fear in the eyes,
Don’t fall apart, don’t show the pain, strength use it, show it,
Never backing down, giving in not an option,
I will win, survival at all costs,
Rise from the ashes, like the Phoenix!!

Black Hole....

      Have you ever sat staring out the window or at the TV, but not seeing anything, instead you are holding tight to the last piece of control, the piece that is stopping an avalanche of emotions from coming out? Holding those tears in, the anger, the despair or the loneliness. Wondering what the point of anything is anymore?

      Why are we so afraid to voice these dark emotions and thoughts? Is it the fear of being vulnerable? Or perhaps the thought of scaring those around us? How can anyone possibly understand the reasons behind our thoughts, when we don't. 

      This is why mental illness and depression are such incidious diseases, on the outside there are no systems, no physical manifestations, unless people are able to penetrate the facade of normality they never know, the maelstrom of feelings going on. The crippling self doubt, the self loathing and the crushing fear. 

      These emotions can well up at anytime, without warning, sometimes without apparent reason. We are unable to control them or combat them, we can only ride the wave and hope to come out the other side, without further damaging ourselves or those around us.

       Surviving the black hole, is about hope, hope that the light will keep shining, giving me something to anchor to, so I don't get lost. Hope that each day I wake up, a little stronger, with a little more confidence, hope that one day the good days will outnumber the bad. Until then it's a case of keeping the wall up, painting on a happy face and praying that I can convince everyone else I'm ok, because if I succeed in convincing others, maybe one day I'll convince myself.