It is said that the only person who can make us truly happy is ourselves, which seems fair, but is our happiness affected by those around us and their actions. Or is it how we perceive those actions that affects us the most? Is there a difference in reacting or responding?
Lately I've been looking at the way those around me affect me, in doing this I'm coming to realize, its not them affecting me, its my reactions to them, as humans we possess an enormous amount of empathy, we try to help others as much as we can. But in doing this we need to find a healthy balance between helping others and helping ourselves, by taking on other peoples problems and dramas we neglect ourselves. when we neglect ourselves we lose the ability to pick between reaction or response.
To me the difference is how we feel, when you react to someones situation, you become part of it, you take some of it on, you experience deep emotions such as anger, it can affect how you feel, it can also wear you out to the point where it becomes to much. When you respond, you listen without the deep emotions, you can acknowledge the problem without become a part of the situation, this is the problem I'm having, being able to respond without the reaction, I have enough to sort through at the moment without taking on the issues and problems of others.
When someone is experiencing hard times we jump in to try to help, we listen, we assist in any way we can, often we take their problems on board, I know I do, but in doing that it adds to whatever we are also experiencing in our own lives. This can cause us to feel overwhelmed and strung out. i need to figure out the balance between helping my friends and taking on too much of their crap. Its time for me, I need to be able to back away quietly without causing offence and focus on making me whole, a job that is getting easier by the day.
For now, I'm picking and choosing what social situations I put myself in, my well-being is my highest priority, if that loses me a few friends well so be it, but I need to make me whole again, Its my time!!!!!
Thursday, 13 November 2014
Wednesday, 29 October 2014
Boobs flat as pancakes, yay it's mammogram day.....
Today was that day I dread all year, yep it was time for my yearly mammogram and ultrasound, the day when I get to experience having my boobs squashed as flat as possible.
Considering how many of these tests I've had in the last five years, you think I would be an old hand at it, but sitting in the waiting room, the familiar feeling of dread washes over me, I feel nauseous and anxious, I haven't noticed anything to worry about, but what if I missed something, the fear is always there lurking beneath the surface, reoccurrence can happen to anyone.
So as they call my name, I swallow the fear and head in to that room, now this time I'm seeing a new imaging place, because the old one wanted to start changing me for the privalige of squashing my boobs, so while it's not a new experience , it's on new territory. This is a slightly better mammogram apparently, it takes a more 3D like image, instead of a flat one, which when your boobs are dense tissue like mine is hard to read. I know, every time I get one of these tests they feel the need to inform me, guess what guys they are my boobs, been told how dense they are multiple times, don't think that can change in a year.
Now anyone who has had a mammogram will tell you, they are painful and a pain in the arse to get done, first you strip to the waist, then your boob gets placed on the machine, then you need to turn your body this way, turn you head that way, stretch you arm over here, bum out, chest in. Jesus what am I, a contortionist, then comes the pressure, squashing your boob as flat as possible, it pulls them, stretches them, digs into ribs and shoulders, seriously whoever invented this machine was a sadist of the highest degree. If men had to have their precious bits flattened like this, they would have found a way to make it less painful by now, but is silly women just deal with it and get on with it.
Once I've been squashed flat twice on each side, one top to bottom view, then the side on view, it's time for the ultrasound. Now this is nothing like the feel good happy, pregnant, let's see your baby ultrasounds. Once again I'm reminded of my dense Breast tissue, so this may hurt a bit as we need to push hard to get through all the layers. Play contortionist again, face this way, arm up here, wedge under there, finally it's over, I'm covered from armpit to waist in ultrasound gel, that stuff goes everywhere, wipe all that off, get dressed again, then come back tomorrow for your films.
The receptionists chirpy have a lovely day seems out of place when walking out feeling like you have gone five rounds in the boxing ring, my boobs are sore, hopefully they don't bruise like last year, my armpit is tender, but it's done for another year, thank Christ I survived mammogram day again, now where the hell is the wine.
But on a more serious note, please remember to check your boobs, get your mammograms done, it is worth the pain and discomfort.
Considering how many of these tests I've had in the last five years, you think I would be an old hand at it, but sitting in the waiting room, the familiar feeling of dread washes over me, I feel nauseous and anxious, I haven't noticed anything to worry about, but what if I missed something, the fear is always there lurking beneath the surface, reoccurrence can happen to anyone.
So as they call my name, I swallow the fear and head in to that room, now this time I'm seeing a new imaging place, because the old one wanted to start changing me for the privalige of squashing my boobs, so while it's not a new experience , it's on new territory. This is a slightly better mammogram apparently, it takes a more 3D like image, instead of a flat one, which when your boobs are dense tissue like mine is hard to read. I know, every time I get one of these tests they feel the need to inform me, guess what guys they are my boobs, been told how dense they are multiple times, don't think that can change in a year.
Now anyone who has had a mammogram will tell you, they are painful and a pain in the arse to get done, first you strip to the waist, then your boob gets placed on the machine, then you need to turn your body this way, turn you head that way, stretch you arm over here, bum out, chest in. Jesus what am I, a contortionist, then comes the pressure, squashing your boob as flat as possible, it pulls them, stretches them, digs into ribs and shoulders, seriously whoever invented this machine was a sadist of the highest degree. If men had to have their precious bits flattened like this, they would have found a way to make it less painful by now, but is silly women just deal with it and get on with it.
Once I've been squashed flat twice on each side, one top to bottom view, then the side on view, it's time for the ultrasound. Now this is nothing like the feel good happy, pregnant, let's see your baby ultrasounds. Once again I'm reminded of my dense Breast tissue, so this may hurt a bit as we need to push hard to get through all the layers. Play contortionist again, face this way, arm up here, wedge under there, finally it's over, I'm covered from armpit to waist in ultrasound gel, that stuff goes everywhere, wipe all that off, get dressed again, then come back tomorrow for your films.
The receptionists chirpy have a lovely day seems out of place when walking out feeling like you have gone five rounds in the boxing ring, my boobs are sore, hopefully they don't bruise like last year, my armpit is tender, but it's done for another year, thank Christ I survived mammogram day again, now where the hell is the wine.
But on a more serious note, please remember to check your boobs, get your mammograms done, it is worth the pain and discomfort.
Thursday, 16 October 2014
Who am I??????
Who am I?? I know what I am, I'm a mother, wife, daughter, sister, small business owner, Auntie & friend among many other things, but these roles I do, are not who I am. Deep down under everything else what makes me tick, what defines me and who I am?
I thought I knew who I was, where I was headed and what the future roughly held, but that all changed with a single sentence from a doctor. Now I need to reassess where I'm headed and what the future may hold, but can I do these things if I don't know who I am or does sorting those out help me to figure who I am. It's one of those 6 of one, half dozen of another conundrums, one that seems to be on a merry go round with no end in sight.
Most people reinvent themselves multiple times, but with these changes does the basis of who we really are ever actually change or are these changes more superficial. Is who we are something set in stone from when we are born, like our DNA or is it changeable depending on situations and influences? Does the core of our being change or are we just lost in the fog for a time, struggling to find our way out.
I do know I need to figure this one out, to be able to fully repair my marriage, to feel whole again and to feel alive again. The last few years I have been living on the sidelines watching life go by, it's time to rejoin life and in turn feel alive.
I thought I knew who I was, where I was headed and what the future roughly held, but that all changed with a single sentence from a doctor. Now I need to reassess where I'm headed and what the future may hold, but can I do these things if I don't know who I am or does sorting those out help me to figure who I am. It's one of those 6 of one, half dozen of another conundrums, one that seems to be on a merry go round with no end in sight.
Most people reinvent themselves multiple times, but with these changes does the basis of who we really are ever actually change or are these changes more superficial. Is who we are something set in stone from when we are born, like our DNA or is it changeable depending on situations and influences? Does the core of our being change or are we just lost in the fog for a time, struggling to find our way out.
I do know I need to figure this one out, to be able to fully repair my marriage, to feel whole again and to feel alive again. The last few years I have been living on the sidelines watching life go by, it's time to rejoin life and in turn feel alive.
Tuesday, 14 October 2014
Fear....
Have you ever felt a gut-wrenching fear, the kinds that causes panic attacks and that sick feeling in your stomach? Lately I have been, the marriage counselling we are attending has progressing well, really well, until the topic of intimacy came up, don't get me wrong I do love my husband so much and I would love to get back to having a close physically intimate relationship, but I'm petrified. I'm so uncomfortable in my body, so scared of being rejected that I lack the confidence to even try anything. I'm so far from feeling sexy it isn't funny.
Why is it men don't seem to understand that unless we feel good about ourselves, the thought of sex is abhorrent, it's scary, being so vulnerable & exposed, for most women sex is more than just the act itself, it's the emotions, the trust, self confidence all rolled into one package that help us feel sexy. When trust has been broken as badly as I experienced, sex is never going to fix that, it's like trying to repair a hole in a pool with sticky tape, it holds for a little bit, but the pressure forces everything out.
How do you regain a trust that was as natural as breathing? How do you go back to that easy intimacy? Back to the days of feeling so comfortable and unihibited with the person you love, back to feeling sexy, desirable, alive. Is it possible to rebuild a relationship when you are holding such an important part back? That is the conundrum that has me paralyzed with fear, fear of going forward, fear of losing everything, fear that I will never have that trust and intimacy again.
Why is it men don't seem to understand that unless we feel good about ourselves, the thought of sex is abhorrent, it's scary, being so vulnerable & exposed, for most women sex is more than just the act itself, it's the emotions, the trust, self confidence all rolled into one package that help us feel sexy. When trust has been broken as badly as I experienced, sex is never going to fix that, it's like trying to repair a hole in a pool with sticky tape, it holds for a little bit, but the pressure forces everything out.
How do you regain a trust that was as natural as breathing? How do you go back to that easy intimacy? Back to the days of feeling so comfortable and unihibited with the person you love, back to feeling sexy, desirable, alive. Is it possible to rebuild a relationship when you are holding such an important part back? That is the conundrum that has me paralyzed with fear, fear of going forward, fear of losing everything, fear that I will never have that trust and intimacy again.
Saturday, 11 October 2014
When life throws you lemons.......
What do you do when life throws lemons at you? Do make lemonade like the old adage or perhaps you prefer the salt and tequila, or maybe you even throw them back as hard as you can lol. The biggest problem with depression is it takes such hard work to keep you feeling good, positive, in control and so little to drive you back into the hole!!
Lately I feel like I'm taking two steps forward & a dozen backwards, just when I was getting my head in the right head space, I've buggered my back, the pain I can deal with mostly, it's the frustration at not being able to perform the simplest of tasks that is killing me. But are my physical symptoms an indicator of how bad my emotional problems have become? Did my body end up going that's it bitch, I've had enough of all the crap, I'm going to incapacitate you to make you listen and take notice. I know my stress levels have been through the roof, I need to find more balance between family, the business and me, which is so much easier said than done.
In my usual bull at a gate fashion, I have taken on way to much in an effort to prove to myself that I'm every bit as capable as I once was, the problem is, I'm still not. Which leads to frustration, anger and giving up. It's time to reassess things, focus on the important things and walk away from those that cause too much stress, in doing so not everyone will be able to understand my decisions, it may lose me some friends, but I need to focus on me, I have to be a little bit selfish for a change, the hell with everyone else, trying to keep the rest of the world happy hasn't helped me so far, so it's time for a new plan.
A plan that involves less blame, guilt and punishment, a plan that starts to set my life back on a healthy track and focuses on my family, they are more important than anything else, they deserve my focus not the left overs.
So I'm going to take those lemons that have come my way lately and I'm going to throw them back at life and say bring it on bitch, is that all you have, I survived cancer, I can survive anything!!!!!
Lately I feel like I'm taking two steps forward & a dozen backwards, just when I was getting my head in the right head space, I've buggered my back, the pain I can deal with mostly, it's the frustration at not being able to perform the simplest of tasks that is killing me. But are my physical symptoms an indicator of how bad my emotional problems have become? Did my body end up going that's it bitch, I've had enough of all the crap, I'm going to incapacitate you to make you listen and take notice. I know my stress levels have been through the roof, I need to find more balance between family, the business and me, which is so much easier said than done.
In my usual bull at a gate fashion, I have taken on way to much in an effort to prove to myself that I'm every bit as capable as I once was, the problem is, I'm still not. Which leads to frustration, anger and giving up. It's time to reassess things, focus on the important things and walk away from those that cause too much stress, in doing so not everyone will be able to understand my decisions, it may lose me some friends, but I need to focus on me, I have to be a little bit selfish for a change, the hell with everyone else, trying to keep the rest of the world happy hasn't helped me so far, so it's time for a new plan.
A plan that involves less blame, guilt and punishment, a plan that starts to set my life back on a healthy track and focuses on my family, they are more important than anything else, they deserve my focus not the left overs.
So I'm going to take those lemons that have come my way lately and I'm going to throw them back at life and say bring it on bitch, is that all you have, I survived cancer, I can survive anything!!!!!
Friday, 10 October 2014
Medical experts via Google.......shut the hell up!!!!!
Don't you just love how many people become an expert in all things medical when you get sick!! Or those who share every little article off the Internet without actually considering the consequences or checking if the article has any truth to it.
I know people are well meaning and want to help, but really try thinking before posting, do you honestly believe eating a kilo of asparagus a week will cure cancer? Or posting supposed studies claiming mammograms are no help in preventing cancer deaths, try for one second putting yourself in a Cancer patients shoes and imagine how these articles affect them as they are battling for their lives.
It's not as if we undergo surgeries and treatments for the hell of it, I'm not against trying natural therapies to complement my treatments, but I wanted to be around for my kids, so not having the treatments and living on asparagus and bananas to cure myself was never going to happen.
It is beyond frustrating listening to those who claim they can help you gain a body that will never get Cancer, nobody can do that, even vegan triathletes have gotten cancer, yes some of our lifestyles can be adjusted to hopefully lower the chances, but when it comes down to it, cancer comes from a defective gene, diet can't fix genes.
Keeping fit and healthy can help reduce your chances, it can make treatments easier, but blaming people for causing their own illness is just cruel and insensitive, so try thinking before you google, remember the facts you are shoving down a hurt, vulnerable and sick persons throat, were never asked for, back the hell off and keep your whacko cures to yourself!!
I know people are well meaning and want to help, but really try thinking before posting, do you honestly believe eating a kilo of asparagus a week will cure cancer? Or posting supposed studies claiming mammograms are no help in preventing cancer deaths, try for one second putting yourself in a Cancer patients shoes and imagine how these articles affect them as they are battling for their lives.
It's not as if we undergo surgeries and treatments for the hell of it, I'm not against trying natural therapies to complement my treatments, but I wanted to be around for my kids, so not having the treatments and living on asparagus and bananas to cure myself was never going to happen.
It is beyond frustrating listening to those who claim they can help you gain a body that will never get Cancer, nobody can do that, even vegan triathletes have gotten cancer, yes some of our lifestyles can be adjusted to hopefully lower the chances, but when it comes down to it, cancer comes from a defective gene, diet can't fix genes.
Keeping fit and healthy can help reduce your chances, it can make treatments easier, but blaming people for causing their own illness is just cruel and insensitive, so try thinking before you google, remember the facts you are shoving down a hurt, vulnerable and sick persons throat, were never asked for, back the hell off and keep your whacko cures to yourself!!
Thursday, 9 October 2014
Building a new life map......not as easy as it sounds!
My therapist today helped me put a pin in what's been bothering me since the day I finished my treatment, I'm ANGRY!!! Really angry at a range of things that have happened to me since that fateful day I was diagnosed, but that anger isn't always a bad thing, apathy would be worse. I have a right to be angry, but I need to find source of that anger and use it constructivly. By pinpointing the causes of my anger, I can start to resolve it. I need to resolve it, so that I can move forward, so instead of watching life, I can start to live it again.
The basis of most of my anger is the deep sense of betrayal I feel, I feel betrayed by my body most of all, but also by some of those who were closest to me.
The week before I was diagnosed, I was feeling great my life has purpose and direction, I was happy with the progress I was making, both at work and at home, I felt strong, confident and alive. I had just pushed 200kgs on the leg press machine and completed 50 push-ups on my toes, I wasn't the skinniest girl around, but I was a fit, strong, confident woman.
But then bam, my whole world fell apart and I spent the next 9 months in a free fall of doctors, hospitals, treatments and tests. Life was lived one day at a time, looking into the future was too hard, then just as suddenly it was over, final treatment, see you in three months. Gone was the strong confident woman, in her place was a weakened shell, my fitness, my health, my strength eroded, physically and emotionally I was wounded. I was scared of what the future held, scared of a relapse, scared I would never feel whole again, but underlying the fear was the anger. I was angry at what my body had become, at the people who had let me down and at myself because I couldn't see a way out of my pit of despair.
Holy shit, were my thoughts, what now? The last 4 years I've felt in limbo, not knowing which way to go, where I fit, what to do, life was all of a sudden very scary, it's only now I realise, after seeking the help I should have got 4 years ago, that I need to rebuild me, my life, my desires, my dreams, they have all been altered, some shattered, some no longer seem important or relevant. It's time to refocus and build my new life map. I need to build this map for me, to be a little selfish even, I'm tired of being a shell, I want to be confident and whole again.
Im still here, I bloody survived, but surviving isn't worth a damn if I don't start living again. Here's to rejoining the living no matter how much it hurts or how scary it seems!!
The basis of most of my anger is the deep sense of betrayal I feel, I feel betrayed by my body most of all, but also by some of those who were closest to me.
The week before I was diagnosed, I was feeling great my life has purpose and direction, I was happy with the progress I was making, both at work and at home, I felt strong, confident and alive. I had just pushed 200kgs on the leg press machine and completed 50 push-ups on my toes, I wasn't the skinniest girl around, but I was a fit, strong, confident woman.
But then bam, my whole world fell apart and I spent the next 9 months in a free fall of doctors, hospitals, treatments and tests. Life was lived one day at a time, looking into the future was too hard, then just as suddenly it was over, final treatment, see you in three months. Gone was the strong confident woman, in her place was a weakened shell, my fitness, my health, my strength eroded, physically and emotionally I was wounded. I was scared of what the future held, scared of a relapse, scared I would never feel whole again, but underlying the fear was the anger. I was angry at what my body had become, at the people who had let me down and at myself because I couldn't see a way out of my pit of despair.
Holy shit, were my thoughts, what now? The last 4 years I've felt in limbo, not knowing which way to go, where I fit, what to do, life was all of a sudden very scary, it's only now I realise, after seeking the help I should have got 4 years ago, that I need to rebuild me, my life, my desires, my dreams, they have all been altered, some shattered, some no longer seem important or relevant. It's time to refocus and build my new life map. I need to build this map for me, to be a little selfish even, I'm tired of being a shell, I want to be confident and whole again.
Im still here, I bloody survived, but surviving isn't worth a damn if I don't start living again. Here's to rejoining the living no matter how much it hurts or how scary it seems!!
Wednesday, 3 September 2014
Progress update....
I started back at PT yesterday, plus I restarted my squat, push-up & sit-up challenges, yes this is me easing back into it lol. My goodness the pain in my legs & butt today, but it's a good pain, it reminds me of where I'm heading, in saying that, I'm not eagerly looking forward to tomorrow's session, but I know once I start I'll feel better. I had almost forgotten how a good exercise session makes you feel, the glow of knowing you pushed yourself and did the best you could.
Tonight I signed up for a weight loss & fitness program, I know I've started on the right path, but I need just a little bit of help and guidance, I'm not ashamed to admit it, I have been it the past but no more. I need to do this for me and I'll take any help that I can get, I'm looking forward to this next phase.
Today I decided if I was going to have a fresh start, then I needed a change, they say change is as good as a holiday, so I put myself in the hands of my hairdresser and said do whatever you want, it was one of the best decisions I've made in a long time, I feel refreshed, reborn almost, my husband loves my new look and I'm feeling a little more confident. One step at a time, my confidence is growing a little bit each day, just like a new seedling, still delicate and vulnerable, but growing in strength.
I know it not all going to be sunshine and roses, however if I can keep myself positive, then my confidence should continue to bloom, that's the plan anyway!!!
Monday, 1 September 2014
Rising from the Ashes!!
Have you ever just woken up and everything feels different? Like the world has moved on it's axis, that was me this morning, in an amazingly good way. I woke up feeling lighter, brighter, renewed in ways I can't really put my finger on, but I'm not going to question it, I feel good, no strike that I feel amazing today.
Change is in the air, it's the first day of spring and all around me things feel different, change is on it's way and it finally feels like a change for the better.
It was helped in some part by a post I read on Facebook this morning, it was the second post on my newsfeed when I checked fb as I enjoyed my morning green tea. It was one of those posts that hits you right in the guts, it just resonated so much with me, it's like the poster was looking into my soul and voicing thoughts I hadn't been able to. It's relevance to me was incredible, I've been thinking for ages about getting a new tattoo and had finally decided on a design, the Phoenix!
It came to me a while ago that as a symbol it was perfect for my situation, to have gone to hell and back, experienced the worst lie could throw at me, but it have survived, I'm rising again from the ashes of my old life, renewing myself, transforming into a new better version of the woman I was. Despite the pain and the heartache only the way, it will be worth it.
This is the post that moved me so much, hopefully it will resonate with you as well.....
Onwards and upwards is the only way forward, I will rise again, I will feel whole again!!!!!
Change is in the air, it's the first day of spring and all around me things feel different, change is on it's way and it finally feels like a change for the better.
It came to me a while ago that as a symbol it was perfect for my situation, to have gone to hell and back, experienced the worst lie could throw at me, but it have survived, I'm rising again from the ashes of my old life, renewing myself, transforming into a new better version of the woman I was. Despite the pain and the heartache only the way, it will be worth it.
This is the post that moved me so much, hopefully it will resonate with you as well.....
Onwards and upwards is the only way forward, I will rise again, I will feel whole again!!!!!
Wednesday, 27 August 2014
Operation bring sexy back!!!!
It's time to focus on getting myself back, regaining my confidence, restoring my self esteem, feeling attractive again, I know it won't be the same as before the cancer, but with focus and effort maybe it can be better, so it's time to put a plan in place.
Step 1: a counsellor, I can't sort my head, so it's time to find someone who can help me, a professional who can help me sort the myriad of thoughts running through my head. I need to unlock a few vaults, let the bottled up shit out and deal with it, keeping it to myself hasn't helped me, so hopefully letting it out will work, it can't make it any worse, can it? So today I made a couple of calls, started the process, now I'm just waiting for a call back with my first appointment time. That wasn't too painful, so what's next.
Step 2: fitness, tomorrow is a new day, time to start back with exercise, going to start with a couple of short, light sessions. Pushing myself too hard too quickly is going to set me backwards, no matter how frustrating it is, I will do this slowly and properly. I will regain my fitness level, I will start the C25k challenge again, I will recover my strength & muscle tone, squats and push-ups will get easier. The day will start with a weigh in, be accountable, be responsible.
Step 3: weightloss, time to cut down on the soft drinks, chips and chocolate, start drinking my sassy water again, get everything prepped to start the smoothie challenge again. It's time to give my body a detox, plus I need to remember to take my supplements, do a bit of meal planning, keep things healthy and tasty.
Step 4: check up time at the doc, I'm feeling very rundown and tired lately, plus the amount of random mystery bruises I am getting, makes me think I need a once over, just a check up to make sure there are no underlying issues that will derail my efforts.
The beginnings of a plan, a way forward to refer to later, just having it down makes it feel less of an obstacle, you need to start, to gives things a try, to be able to succeed. Operation bring sexy back has commenced!!
Step 1: a counsellor, I can't sort my head, so it's time to find someone who can help me, a professional who can help me sort the myriad of thoughts running through my head. I need to unlock a few vaults, let the bottled up shit out and deal with it, keeping it to myself hasn't helped me, so hopefully letting it out will work, it can't make it any worse, can it? So today I made a couple of calls, started the process, now I'm just waiting for a call back with my first appointment time. That wasn't too painful, so what's next.
Step 2: fitness, tomorrow is a new day, time to start back with exercise, going to start with a couple of short, light sessions. Pushing myself too hard too quickly is going to set me backwards, no matter how frustrating it is, I will do this slowly and properly. I will regain my fitness level, I will start the C25k challenge again, I will recover my strength & muscle tone, squats and push-ups will get easier. The day will start with a weigh in, be accountable, be responsible.Step 3: weightloss, time to cut down on the soft drinks, chips and chocolate, start drinking my sassy water again, get everything prepped to start the smoothie challenge again. It's time to give my body a detox, plus I need to remember to take my supplements, do a bit of meal planning, keep things healthy and tasty.
Step 4: check up time at the doc, I'm feeling very rundown and tired lately, plus the amount of random mystery bruises I am getting, makes me think I need a once over, just a check up to make sure there are no underlying issues that will derail my efforts.
The beginnings of a plan, a way forward to refer to later, just having it down makes it feel less of an obstacle, you need to start, to gives things a try, to be able to succeed. Operation bring sexy back has commenced!!
Monday, 25 August 2014
Getting sexy back...
Cancer take many things from us, our health, our confidence, our self esteem, its so hard fighting the battle to survive, on the merry-go-round of doctors, treatments and trying to keep our heads above water, often we close off parts of ourselves, we put aside feelings, wants, needs, desires until we have the strength to deal with them. The problem with putting these things aside, is how do we face them again? How do we release those feelings we have locked away to begin to sort them out?
I know in my case, in my battle to get through each day, I pretended to be strong, I worried about those around me, I protected them from the worst of my pain, kept the feelings of despair, fear and loneliness suppressed, in trying to protect both myself and those around me, I built walls around myself, I may have pushed some people away as well, but when I needed comfort & support from the main person in my life, I found he had built a wall shutting me out. He was doing what he thought was best for me, staying strong for me, but he was also pushing me away, I felt so alone, but most importantly I felt rejected.
The cancer had already shaken my confidence to the core, my self esteem had vanished, as the treatment ravaged my body, I started to despise it, my cleavage which had always helped me feel sexy was trying to kill me in effect, I no longer felt attractive, my libido vanished, all desire to be touched was gone. But we cannot survive without intimacy, we need to feel affection and attraction, feeling desirable helps with ones self confidence, but the bitch of it is, we need the self confidence to put ourselves out there as well. So really its one of those catch 22's, can one exist without the other?
Right now my struggle is trying to figure out how to feel attractive and confident again, our counselling is going well, communication is improving, we are regaining slowly but surely the relationship we once had, with one big BUT hanging between us. SEX yes sex is now the biggest hurdle to the success of our marriage, for can our marriage really survive without physical intimacy?
I have moments where I feel like I used to, we are being flirty and playful, but when it comes to taking it to the next step, I just cant, I start to panic and I flee, I shut back down. I don't want to feel like this, I want to feel attractive, sexy, desirable, but I don't know how. If I don't like myself, how can expect someone else to? How can I feel attractive with my husband, when my body repels me? What do I do next? Where do I go from here?
I know in my case, in my battle to get through each day, I pretended to be strong, I worried about those around me, I protected them from the worst of my pain, kept the feelings of despair, fear and loneliness suppressed, in trying to protect both myself and those around me, I built walls around myself, I may have pushed some people away as well, but when I needed comfort & support from the main person in my life, I found he had built a wall shutting me out. He was doing what he thought was best for me, staying strong for me, but he was also pushing me away, I felt so alone, but most importantly I felt rejected.
The cancer had already shaken my confidence to the core, my self esteem had vanished, as the treatment ravaged my body, I started to despise it, my cleavage which had always helped me feel sexy was trying to kill me in effect, I no longer felt attractive, my libido vanished, all desire to be touched was gone. But we cannot survive without intimacy, we need to feel affection and attraction, feeling desirable helps with ones self confidence, but the bitch of it is, we need the self confidence to put ourselves out there as well. So really its one of those catch 22's, can one exist without the other?
Right now my struggle is trying to figure out how to feel attractive and confident again, our counselling is going well, communication is improving, we are regaining slowly but surely the relationship we once had, with one big BUT hanging between us. SEX yes sex is now the biggest hurdle to the success of our marriage, for can our marriage really survive without physical intimacy?
I have moments where I feel like I used to, we are being flirty and playful, but when it comes to taking it to the next step, I just cant, I start to panic and I flee, I shut back down. I don't want to feel like this, I want to feel attractive, sexy, desirable, but I don't know how. If I don't like myself, how can expect someone else to? How can I feel attractive with my husband, when my body repels me? What do I do next? Where do I go from here?
Saturday, 2 August 2014
Taking time out
After what has been a very full on week, I find myself feeling just flat, my body is telling me a little break is needed, I know I have things I should be doing but sometimes you just need to relax, take time out, recharge your batteries. So after a busy morning that included customers picking up, a bit of housework, some shopping and dropping in to a cancer fundraiser to do our bit, it's time to just sit and wind down for a while. It's a sunny day outside, but the wind is freezing, so the couch is beckoning, there are V8 super cars racing on the TV, a cuppa to be enjoyed and a lovely scented candle to add to the air of relaxation.
It is so nice to just sit and chill for a little while, I think we tend to forget that we need to recharge, going nonstop isn't good for you, your body needs a break every now and then. The problem these days is we are all so busy rushing from one place to another and cramming so much into every day that the only time we take a break is when we are sick. Being sick is our bodies way of forcing us to slow down, because you can only ignore the warning signs your body gives you for so long. Luckily for the majority of people it's usually a minor illness that forces that break, but for others it's a major life changing illness.
Experiencing such a serious illness can totally change your perspective, it brings into focus what is truly important, instead of constantly rushing through life, you learn to stop sweating the small stuff, to enjoy the important moments and most importantly to be grateful for every day you have will the people you love. Priorities seem a little out of wack these days, we spend so much time worrying about money, about buying our kids the latest and greatest gadget, we forget what is really important.
Take a second and look at your kids, is having the latest iPad so important to them or is spending time with you, feeling loved, laughing at something silly, enjoying hugs or wrestles what they really want. Are they going to remember what toys they had when they are an adult? They will remember days spent being lavished with attention, great family moments, even just spending a day running around a park, they will remember times when you snuggled on the couch enjoying a movie. The most happy memories of my childhood involve being surrounded by family, they are days on the beach, in the park, camping in a tent with a portable toilet, nights around a fire. It's not what we were doing that matters, it's the memory of being together with family and feeling loved.
I know my kids love movie afternoons, we all sit together with popcorn and a movie, the movie isn't important, it's the relaxing and spending time as a family, watching motor racing is another favourite family past time, as it was we I was younger, I'm hoping as my kids get older these memories of being together as a family, stay with them. We still have a busy life, but finding the balance between work, sports and family time is more important these days, my family is my top priority and having family time is more important than ever, even if it is just relaxing watching the V8's race on TV.
So just remember relaxing is actually good for your body and your piece of mind, relaxing as a family strengthens the bonds you share, take a break, enjoy what you have achieved in your life, take a deep breath and chill, go on I dare you, you might even enjoy it!!!!
It is so nice to just sit and chill for a little while, I think we tend to forget that we need to recharge, going nonstop isn't good for you, your body needs a break every now and then. The problem these days is we are all so busy rushing from one place to another and cramming so much into every day that the only time we take a break is when we are sick. Being sick is our bodies way of forcing us to slow down, because you can only ignore the warning signs your body gives you for so long. Luckily for the majority of people it's usually a minor illness that forces that break, but for others it's a major life changing illness.
Experiencing such a serious illness can totally change your perspective, it brings into focus what is truly important, instead of constantly rushing through life, you learn to stop sweating the small stuff, to enjoy the important moments and most importantly to be grateful for every day you have will the people you love. Priorities seem a little out of wack these days, we spend so much time worrying about money, about buying our kids the latest and greatest gadget, we forget what is really important.
Take a second and look at your kids, is having the latest iPad so important to them or is spending time with you, feeling loved, laughing at something silly, enjoying hugs or wrestles what they really want. Are they going to remember what toys they had when they are an adult? They will remember days spent being lavished with attention, great family moments, even just spending a day running around a park, they will remember times when you snuggled on the couch enjoying a movie. The most happy memories of my childhood involve being surrounded by family, they are days on the beach, in the park, camping in a tent with a portable toilet, nights around a fire. It's not what we were doing that matters, it's the memory of being together with family and feeling loved.
I know my kids love movie afternoons, we all sit together with popcorn and a movie, the movie isn't important, it's the relaxing and spending time as a family, watching motor racing is another favourite family past time, as it was we I was younger, I'm hoping as my kids get older these memories of being together as a family, stay with them. We still have a busy life, but finding the balance between work, sports and family time is more important these days, my family is my top priority and having family time is more important than ever, even if it is just relaxing watching the V8's race on TV.
So just remember relaxing is actually good for your body and your piece of mind, relaxing as a family strengthens the bonds you share, take a break, enjoy what you have achieved in your life, take a deep breath and chill, go on I dare you, you might even enjoy it!!!!
Thursday, 31 July 2014
Compliments or ......
Do you think in our current world of sarcasm and self deprecating humour , that we have lost the ability to give and receive compliments? These days instead of just accepting a genuine compliment, we seem to wonder what someone wants or if they are having a go at us. Has it become easier to just laugh off a compliment? Are we just to scared to experience our own emotions any more?
In a world of digital communication where an insult is watered down by a smiley face :-), where it is easy to claim intent has been confused due to lack of tone in written text, is it easier to just assume that a compliment is not genuine? Have we lost the true ability to deeply communicate with those we love. I miss the days of serious deep and meaningful conversations, the ones where feelings could be expressed without a joke having to be made of it. I miss being able to express sadness through tears without making others uncomfortable, I'm sick of holding back true emotions to protect others, why should I have to hold my emotions in?
The last five years I have spent too much time holding things in, it didn't do me any good in the long run, in fact it nearly destroyed me, finding a way to effectively communicate again is proving both a struggle and an education. After being held tightly back for so long, emotions released these days have a harsh edge to them, tempering that edge is my current challenge. I no longer wish to hide my feelings or protect those around me from them, but I also don't wish to smack them in the face with my pain, although the thought of doing so is surprisingly satisfying.
In the efforts to repair the communication breakdown within my marriage, our current homework is to compliment each other and to accept those compliments with good grace, not as easy as it seems, especially when you have been protecting your emotions so tightly for such a long time. Its a lot harder to just smile and say thank you when you are being complimented than it is to laugh and joke about it. Those classic lines of what have you done or what do you want spring up so easily. I have always had trouble accepting compliments anyway, I've never thought I was classed as pretty or popular, so I've always felt uncomfortable with compliments. Learning to both accept them and give them has been an interesting ride, but we are getting there.
Remember that the smallest compliment given from your heart can boost someone else more than you can imagine, which in turn can help you to feel better about both yourself and the world around you, give it a try, a compliment doesn't need to be elaborate, it just needs to come from your heart, it needs to be given without expectation of something in return. This week look for an opportunity to compliment someone you love when they least expect it, enjoy the feelings it gives you both, because feeling is more important than we think!!!!
In a world of digital communication where an insult is watered down by a smiley face :-), where it is easy to claim intent has been confused due to lack of tone in written text, is it easier to just assume that a compliment is not genuine? Have we lost the true ability to deeply communicate with those we love. I miss the days of serious deep and meaningful conversations, the ones where feelings could be expressed without a joke having to be made of it. I miss being able to express sadness through tears without making others uncomfortable, I'm sick of holding back true emotions to protect others, why should I have to hold my emotions in?
The last five years I have spent too much time holding things in, it didn't do me any good in the long run, in fact it nearly destroyed me, finding a way to effectively communicate again is proving both a struggle and an education. After being held tightly back for so long, emotions released these days have a harsh edge to them, tempering that edge is my current challenge. I no longer wish to hide my feelings or protect those around me from them, but I also don't wish to smack them in the face with my pain, although the thought of doing so is surprisingly satisfying.
In the efforts to repair the communication breakdown within my marriage, our current homework is to compliment each other and to accept those compliments with good grace, not as easy as it seems, especially when you have been protecting your emotions so tightly for such a long time. Its a lot harder to just smile and say thank you when you are being complimented than it is to laugh and joke about it. Those classic lines of what have you done or what do you want spring up so easily. I have always had trouble accepting compliments anyway, I've never thought I was classed as pretty or popular, so I've always felt uncomfortable with compliments. Learning to both accept them and give them has been an interesting ride, but we are getting there.
Remember that the smallest compliment given from your heart can boost someone else more than you can imagine, which in turn can help you to feel better about both yourself and the world around you, give it a try, a compliment doesn't need to be elaborate, it just needs to come from your heart, it needs to be given without expectation of something in return. This week look for an opportunity to compliment someone you love when they least expect it, enjoy the feelings it gives you both, because feeling is more important than we think!!!!
Sunday, 13 July 2014
Ups & Downs
I remember being told as a teenager that life was full of ups and downs, what they didn't explain was how extreme those ups and downs could be. Sure over my life I've some experienced some amazing highs like my wedding, the births of my kids, some devasting lows, a failed marriage, losing family and friends, but the last five years the lows have been rock bottom, while the highs are few and far between. Cancer changed my life in so many ways, the most difficult for me has been the depression, the survivor guilt and the desperation to hold onto the highs as they so infrequently occur.
These days I can pick the lows as they are starting, the negative feelings and thoughts, the insomnia, the urge to hide away from the world. While it's a breakthrough that I can recognise the onset, it's the pulling myself back up that is my current struggle, the despair at feeling the happy, contented feelings fading, the fact I feel unable to share the way I'm feeling with others, the fear of being judged about the lack of ability to feel good about myself.
Is it that I don't trust those around me to be able to cope with how I'm feeling or have I surrounded myself with people who can't be bothered to understand. My feelings of being isolated and excluded are magnified at these times, so I hide. By hiding I don't say anything which I may regret later, plus I don't hurt or offend anyone else, but I also miss out on so much, it's a double edged sword.
In trying to find the essence of who I am these days, I find solitude soothing, I have always enjoyed my own company, I love walking through the bush or being near water as I feel at peace, places such as these calm my thoughts, helping me sort the jumble in my head. At other times I crave to be with others, to indulge in mindless conversation that helps me escape what's bothering me. My worry at the moment is those around me don't understand my urge to find solitude, therefore they think I no longer need to be included, which heightens my feelings of being out of place and excluded.
It's more than likely this is all in my head, I'm overthinking things, finding a way to feel comfortable with socialising again is my current dilemma, being able to feel normal again, whatever normal may be is a bit more difficult than some people understand, so while I need to find a way to be less sensitive to these things, some of my friends need to realise that telling me to be grateful and get over it, is far from helpful and in some situations makes things worse. I don't wish to be the focus of their attentions, I just prefer not to have my feelings belittled and ridiculed.
These days I can pick the lows as they are starting, the negative feelings and thoughts, the insomnia, the urge to hide away from the world. While it's a breakthrough that I can recognise the onset, it's the pulling myself back up that is my current struggle, the despair at feeling the happy, contented feelings fading, the fact I feel unable to share the way I'm feeling with others, the fear of being judged about the lack of ability to feel good about myself.
Is it that I don't trust those around me to be able to cope with how I'm feeling or have I surrounded myself with people who can't be bothered to understand. My feelings of being isolated and excluded are magnified at these times, so I hide. By hiding I don't say anything which I may regret later, plus I don't hurt or offend anyone else, but I also miss out on so much, it's a double edged sword.
In trying to find the essence of who I am these days, I find solitude soothing, I have always enjoyed my own company, I love walking through the bush or being near water as I feel at peace, places such as these calm my thoughts, helping me sort the jumble in my head. At other times I crave to be with others, to indulge in mindless conversation that helps me escape what's bothering me. My worry at the moment is those around me don't understand my urge to find solitude, therefore they think I no longer need to be included, which heightens my feelings of being out of place and excluded.
It's more than likely this is all in my head, I'm overthinking things, finding a way to feel comfortable with socialising again is my current dilemma, being able to feel normal again, whatever normal may be is a bit more difficult than some people understand, so while I need to find a way to be less sensitive to these things, some of my friends need to realise that telling me to be grateful and get over it, is far from helpful and in some situations makes things worse. I don't wish to be the focus of their attentions, I just prefer not to have my feelings belittled and ridiculed.
Thursday, 10 July 2014
Pondering positives vs negatives......
While watching one of my favourite tv shows recently, I was intrigued by a theory that was put forward, the parts of our life are like juggling balls, we always have one in the air, in other words not all parts of our life can be perfect at once. So is it better to have two out of three parts of our lives going only fine while we work at a third, or can we have it all. When do our hopes and dreams become unrealistic expectations, can settling for close enough be wrong? Can we ever achieve perfection within our relationships or is perfection contrary to human nature?
It's part of our makeup to want to improve ourselves and those around, we want to be the best we can be in ourselves and in our relationships, our friendships. I also think that we need to recognise that being human means we are imperfect, we are all different, we all have some flaws. It's our flaws that make us unique individuals, we may be attracted to others who are very similar to us or total opposites, often it's the flaws that are the attraction.
But what happens when those flaws are no longer cute, when they annoy us, is that our fault or the other persons? Are we focusing on the small faults to avoid looking at the bigger picture or are we using them as an excuse for why things no longer work as they once did. When the negatives start to outweigh the positives is it time to walk away? Should a working enjoyable relationship have a positive to negative balance?
I was told the other day that negatives and positives have different values, so a single negative will need more than a single positive to balance it. We need to hear or experience more positives in our lives to keep the negative at bay. It's amazing how that one negative comment can drag us down even in a sea of positive, so when it comes to those you love remember that compliments, positive experiences and little acts of love go a long way, before you present a negative, think for a second if it is worth the pain it can cause. Will being negative help you feel better in the moment, whereas letting that negative to will help you feel much better in the bigger picture of your life!!
It's part of our makeup to want to improve ourselves and those around, we want to be the best we can be in ourselves and in our relationships, our friendships. I also think that we need to recognise that being human means we are imperfect, we are all different, we all have some flaws. It's our flaws that make us unique individuals, we may be attracted to others who are very similar to us or total opposites, often it's the flaws that are the attraction.
But what happens when those flaws are no longer cute, when they annoy us, is that our fault or the other persons? Are we focusing on the small faults to avoid looking at the bigger picture or are we using them as an excuse for why things no longer work as they once did. When the negatives start to outweigh the positives is it time to walk away? Should a working enjoyable relationship have a positive to negative balance?
I was told the other day that negatives and positives have different values, so a single negative will need more than a single positive to balance it. We need to hear or experience more positives in our lives to keep the negative at bay. It's amazing how that one negative comment can drag us down even in a sea of positive, so when it comes to those you love remember that compliments, positive experiences and little acts of love go a long way, before you present a negative, think for a second if it is worth the pain it can cause. Will being negative help you feel better in the moment, whereas letting that negative to will help you feel much better in the bigger picture of your life!!
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
Trust.........
Trust is the basis of all relationships, without trust any form of relationship is doomed to fail, let's face it, we only go to doctors or other medical professionals if we trust them, as children we trust our parents, our teachers, emergency services, those in authority. We trust our families to always be there for us, our friends to keep our confidences, those we care about to have our backs, to be there through thick and thin.
We rely a lot on our instincts when we trust, we give our hearts to those we love, trusting they will treasure them and keep them safe, we share our dreams, fears, triumphs and failures, hoping that those around us will help us, guide us and protect us, we sometimes trust blindly, for as humans we prefer to see the good in people.
But what happens when that trust is broken??? The pain of being let down by those we relied upon, who we felt safe with, can be unbearable. Can it be repaired? Can we ever feel that comfortable with this person again? Are we able to feel confident in our perception of others? Can the relationship be saved?? But the most important question of all, do we want to save it??
Once a trust has been broken, it can rarely be made whole again, if repairable it is never the same again, the places it has been fixed will always be a weak point, a little niggle at the back of your mind. The rebuilding of trust is a long, often slow process, going backwards to go forwards, it isn't the same as it once was, but it can be built into a new form of the old trust if it is important enough to you.
With hard work, determination and a touch of faith, if you care deeply enough about a person, you can rebuild a trust, it isn't easy, it takes hard work, the willingness to work at it needs to exist on both sides of the relationship, you need to be able to deal with the pain and then leave it behind. Not to forget it, but to learn from it, use the knowledge, if it is important enough you can make it a stronger version of what it once was.
On the flip side of that you also need to be able to recognise when that trust simply cannot be repaired, when the time has come to cut your losses and move ahead, life is for learning, experiencing and going forward, to stagnate, is to lose all hope, we can all learn from painful periods in our lives.
It's how we pick up the pieces and live that is important!!!!!
We rely a lot on our instincts when we trust, we give our hearts to those we love, trusting they will treasure them and keep them safe, we share our dreams, fears, triumphs and failures, hoping that those around us will help us, guide us and protect us, we sometimes trust blindly, for as humans we prefer to see the good in people.
But what happens when that trust is broken??? The pain of being let down by those we relied upon, who we felt safe with, can be unbearable. Can it be repaired? Can we ever feel that comfortable with this person again? Are we able to feel confident in our perception of others? Can the relationship be saved?? But the most important question of all, do we want to save it??
Once a trust has been broken, it can rarely be made whole again, if repairable it is never the same again, the places it has been fixed will always be a weak point, a little niggle at the back of your mind. The rebuilding of trust is a long, often slow process, going backwards to go forwards, it isn't the same as it once was, but it can be built into a new form of the old trust if it is important enough to you.
With hard work, determination and a touch of faith, if you care deeply enough about a person, you can rebuild a trust, it isn't easy, it takes hard work, the willingness to work at it needs to exist on both sides of the relationship, you need to be able to deal with the pain and then leave it behind. Not to forget it, but to learn from it, use the knowledge, if it is important enough you can make it a stronger version of what it once was.
On the flip side of that you also need to be able to recognise when that trust simply cannot be repaired, when the time has come to cut your losses and move ahead, life is for learning, experiencing and going forward, to stagnate, is to lose all hope, we can all learn from painful periods in our lives.
It's how we pick up the pieces and live that is important!!!!!
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Crossroads.....
How is it, that you can be travelling along nicely in your life, seeming to have it all mapped out, working towards a goal, when BAM life throws you a curve ball, breast cancer. The focus changes, treatment, survival, taking it one day at a time. Then treatment is done, the day you walk out from that last treatment is so overwhelming, where to from here, the daily focus has vanished, replaced by what???? It's time to get back to your life, but what life is that???
It's amazing how your outlook on life can be changed by an earth shattering experience, things that had once seemed so important no longer are, the day to day stress you used to endure, the putting off of dreams, chasing what society deems important. Life is way to short to put off your dreams, neglect your family and friends or stay in a stressful job. The problem you now face is what choice is right, should you return to what you have always done or do you take the risk and try something new. Uncharted waters can be both terrifying and exhilarating, they can give you a new purpose, something to help you move on to the next stage in your life.
For me I tried returning to work, just a couple of days a week, a few hours a day, instead of making me feel like I was returning to normal, being back at work actually made me feel more useless, I got tired so quickly, I couldn't remember part numbers or simple prices, things I had always been able to reel off eluded my chemo fogged brain. I was frustrated and annoyed, I had been very good at my job, now it was like I was back to square one, 10 yrs of hard work gone, maybe it was time for a change, for if I kept trying to do this, I feared I would end up feeling much worse than I already did, could you drop further than rock bottom??
So where to from there, I was still employed casually, but I decided to take the leap into the unknown, it was time to try my hand at running my own small business from home. Months of research and testing, feeling fear and exhilaration, finally I was ready to start selling my products. My business has had it's ups & downs, but is starting to grow nicely, I love what I'm doing, plus the enjoyment my products bring to my customers, hopefully I can keep it growing and keep feeling useful. Only time will tell if I made the right decision, but for the moment, I'm fairly content with my work situation.
It's amazing how your outlook on life can be changed by an earth shattering experience, things that had once seemed so important no longer are, the day to day stress you used to endure, the putting off of dreams, chasing what society deems important. Life is way to short to put off your dreams, neglect your family and friends or stay in a stressful job. The problem you now face is what choice is right, should you return to what you have always done or do you take the risk and try something new. Uncharted waters can be both terrifying and exhilarating, they can give you a new purpose, something to help you move on to the next stage in your life.
For me I tried returning to work, just a couple of days a week, a few hours a day, instead of making me feel like I was returning to normal, being back at work actually made me feel more useless, I got tired so quickly, I couldn't remember part numbers or simple prices, things I had always been able to reel off eluded my chemo fogged brain. I was frustrated and annoyed, I had been very good at my job, now it was like I was back to square one, 10 yrs of hard work gone, maybe it was time for a change, for if I kept trying to do this, I feared I would end up feeling much worse than I already did, could you drop further than rock bottom??
So where to from there, I was still employed casually, but I decided to take the leap into the unknown, it was time to try my hand at running my own small business from home. Months of research and testing, feeling fear and exhilaration, finally I was ready to start selling my products. My business has had it's ups & downs, but is starting to grow nicely, I love what I'm doing, plus the enjoyment my products bring to my customers, hopefully I can keep it growing and keep feeling useful. Only time will tell if I made the right decision, but for the moment, I'm fairly content with my work situation.
Sunday, 1 June 2014
Out of Sync, is it just me??
Do you feel like you just don't fit in? That something has changed and you don't know where you are meant to be anymore, in your family, your friendships, your life in general. Is it that the people around you, don't understand you? Or is the confusion you are feeling being projected, making it impossible for others to know you? How do you find out?
The last couple of years, I've done so much soul searching, I've seen the best and worst in friends, I've been used, blamed, dumped and ignored, on the flip side I've come to realise who is really there for me, helping me feel loved and supported. At times I need to ask for their help, other times they are just there. I haven't always been there for my friends during this journey and I'm sorry for that, for any pain I've caused, sometimes it is hard to be a great friend when you don't even like yourself.
I have always felt however, that really being friends means you can just be yourself, not hide, nor holdback. In any kind of relationship if you are constantly watching what you say, biting back words, holding part of yourself back, you aren't doing either of you any favours, relationships, friendships, family. To be true to yourself is so important, we can't forever hold the main part of ourselves back, because that breeds resentment, disdain, indifference and ultimately pain.
I've slowly come to the realisation that to move forward, I need to stop holding back, stop trying to be who others think I should be, stop the hiding and pretending. If those around me truly care, it won't matter, they care for me no matter what, for those I lose along the way, they will be missed for what they bought to my life. We meet many people in this life, some are there for the long haul, some to help us learn, some to show us exactly what not to be and some arrive at the darkest hour, proving to be the sweetest gift. Sorting who fits where is one of our most difficult life lessons, but the rewards leave us feeling blessed, hopefully once that sorting is in progress, feeling back in sync will happen.
The last couple of years, I've done so much soul searching, I've seen the best and worst in friends, I've been used, blamed, dumped and ignored, on the flip side I've come to realise who is really there for me, helping me feel loved and supported. At times I need to ask for their help, other times they are just there. I haven't always been there for my friends during this journey and I'm sorry for that, for any pain I've caused, sometimes it is hard to be a great friend when you don't even like yourself.
I have always felt however, that really being friends means you can just be yourself, not hide, nor holdback. In any kind of relationship if you are constantly watching what you say, biting back words, holding part of yourself back, you aren't doing either of you any favours, relationships, friendships, family. To be true to yourself is so important, we can't forever hold the main part of ourselves back, because that breeds resentment, disdain, indifference and ultimately pain.
I've slowly come to the realisation that to move forward, I need to stop holding back, stop trying to be who others think I should be, stop the hiding and pretending. If those around me truly care, it won't matter, they care for me no matter what, for those I lose along the way, they will be missed for what they bought to my life. We meet many people in this life, some are there for the long haul, some to help us learn, some to show us exactly what not to be and some arrive at the darkest hour, proving to be the sweetest gift. Sorting who fits where is one of our most difficult life lessons, but the rewards leave us feeling blessed, hopefully once that sorting is in progress, feeling back in sync will happen.
Thursday, 29 May 2014
Living a lie....
Have you ever told yourself it will all sort itself out, this too shall pass, but it doesn't and it won't, we think if we repeat this mantra enough it will become true, trying to convince ourselves that the lie is in fact reality. The problem with pretending, hiding and lying to yourself is once a crack forms in your carefully constructed facade, you can never hide from it again, it lets the truth shine out, bad or good it's there and it needs to be acknowledged.
When my husband returned from that trip it was like a honeymoon of sorts, the enjoyment of being a family again, the fitting back into the family, getting to know each other again, it was good for a while, we focused on the return, being a family and trying to be a couple again. All the while this huge dark cloud was hovering over us.
I hadn't told him about what happened while he was away, how do you tell the person you love, your best friend, that you hit rock bottom, it's hard enough in person, no way was I going to break that kind of news in a phone call to the other side of the world. Trying to find the right time to talk about it was torture, I'd think I was ready, but then I couldn't, I didn't know how to open up to him anymore, that wall he had built between was bloody effective, I was so emotionally fragile I was to scared to push to hard.
I hadn't told him about what happened while he was away, how do you tell the person you love, your best friend, that you hit rock bottom, it's hard enough in person, no way was I going to break that kind of news in a phone call to the other side of the world. Trying to find the right time to talk about it was torture, I'd think I was ready, but then I couldn't, I didn't know how to open up to him anymore, that wall he had built between was bloody effective, I was so emotionally fragile I was to scared to push to hard.
Finally late one night I was able to tell him, we cried together, he got angry, I got angry, his issue was that I hadn't told him, how could I keep something like that to myself? My issue was it had been too hard to tell him, why? Back then I didn't know why I couldn't tell him, recently I have figured it out. When he blocked me out, to protect me according to him, it broke a deep trust we shared, a trust in being able to share everything, once that was broken, I didn't feel safe enough to share with him, I was so angry at him for breaking that trust. It is only now, nearly three & a half years later that the trust is so very slowly being rebuilt, it will never be the same again, because something broken can never be the same, but maybe, just maybe we can build a new version of that trust and if we can then hopefully we can emerge from this with our marriage intact.
That is my hope....... For without hope what are we left with?
Wednesday, 28 May 2014
Swimming upstream against the current....
About 4 months after treatment ended, hubby rejoined a ship, it meant an easing of the financial stress but it meant for the next year he would only be home for a few months. It was time to get back to a sense of normality, I'd been doing the navy wife thing for years, I was used to it, but it was different this time. For the first time I felt vulnerable, a little insecure, a lot off balance. One day at a time became my mantra and sad to say a couple of drinks at night became the norm, I still had shocking insomnia, 3-4 hours sleep was a good night, even with alcohol. It was during the first 3 month stint of him being away that I got sick, extremely sick, driving to the doctors with a temperature of 39.8 degrees was scary, for 3 days I barely moved from my bed, thank god my children were old enough to fend for themselves, getting up to go to the toilet exhausted me. What would have been the flu for most people had got hold of my ravaged system and turned into the worst chest infection of my life. I was nearly hospitalised as it turned to pneumonia.
It took me weeks to recover, being the start of autumn it meant I was in for a bad flu season, I never really recovered until the end of winter, I spent so much time at home, I was unwell in both body and spirit, but instead of the support I so badly needed from some so called friends, I was berated and belittled for not being at the beck and call of their problems, apparently I had used up all the help and sympathy I could expect from them. When I was unable to drop everything to rush to their aid, I was labeled a bad friend, inconsiderate, selfish, how dare I be sick when they needed to dump a child on me at the last minute, how dare I miss a Tupperware party, when was I going to get over myself, it wasn't as if I had anything serious to be struggling with.
By now I was chatting to a phone counsellor, my doctor was concerned I had depression, I kept saying I was just tired, I just needed some rest. Looking back now it seems so obvious what I was experiencing, I was self medicating with alcohol, I was alternating between reclusive and the life of the party, I was a mess, on a collision course with disaster, but my so called friends ignored it. I hid it from my hubby, my family, myself in a way, to admit it meant I was in trouble and that scared me even more. My husband left for a 6 month trip meaning he would miss my birthday, our sons 16th birthday, Christmas, our 10th wedding anniversary and valentines day.
For the first month I was fine, getting routines established, focusing on expanding a new venture I had started 6 months earlier, living and trying to heal. Then the shit hit the fan, a friend turned against me, swayed by the lies of a vicious vindictive woman, it was that final straw, it broke me and it broke me badly, I hit rock bottom and there was no way up. Late one night I sat looking at a bottle of vodka and a bottle of pain pills, I had given up, I was done, it was too hard, all the fight in me was gone, you can only swim so far against the current before you become exhausted and swept away.
Then I looked up at a picture of my boys, it was my boys that would find me if I did this, I would destroy them, how could I put them through this after all they had gone through, so I poured the pills down the sink and got very drunk, then I cried, I'm not sure for how long, but I felt lighter somehow when I was finished. The next day I went to my doctor, I told him what I had nearly done, I cried some more, then we worked out a plan of action, to help me find stable ground again.
I shudder when I think back to that day now, how did I let myself get so low, to even contemplate taking my own life, it was because I held everything in, I tried to conquer my problems on my own, to proud to ask for help, don't be to proud, there is help out there for us all, we just need to ask for it. Please remember there is always someone who can help!!
It took me weeks to recover, being the start of autumn it meant I was in for a bad flu season, I never really recovered until the end of winter, I spent so much time at home, I was unwell in both body and spirit, but instead of the support I so badly needed from some so called friends, I was berated and belittled for not being at the beck and call of their problems, apparently I had used up all the help and sympathy I could expect from them. When I was unable to drop everything to rush to their aid, I was labeled a bad friend, inconsiderate, selfish, how dare I be sick when they needed to dump a child on me at the last minute, how dare I miss a Tupperware party, when was I going to get over myself, it wasn't as if I had anything serious to be struggling with.
By now I was chatting to a phone counsellor, my doctor was concerned I had depression, I kept saying I was just tired, I just needed some rest. Looking back now it seems so obvious what I was experiencing, I was self medicating with alcohol, I was alternating between reclusive and the life of the party, I was a mess, on a collision course with disaster, but my so called friends ignored it. I hid it from my hubby, my family, myself in a way, to admit it meant I was in trouble and that scared me even more. My husband left for a 6 month trip meaning he would miss my birthday, our sons 16th birthday, Christmas, our 10th wedding anniversary and valentines day.
For the first month I was fine, getting routines established, focusing on expanding a new venture I had started 6 months earlier, living and trying to heal. Then the shit hit the fan, a friend turned against me, swayed by the lies of a vicious vindictive woman, it was that final straw, it broke me and it broke me badly, I hit rock bottom and there was no way up. Late one night I sat looking at a bottle of vodka and a bottle of pain pills, I had given up, I was done, it was too hard, all the fight in me was gone, you can only swim so far against the current before you become exhausted and swept away.
Then I looked up at a picture of my boys, it was my boys that would find me if I did this, I would destroy them, how could I put them through this after all they had gone through, so I poured the pills down the sink and got very drunk, then I cried, I'm not sure for how long, but I felt lighter somehow when I was finished. The next day I went to my doctor, I told him what I had nearly done, I cried some more, then we worked out a plan of action, to help me find stable ground again.
I shudder when I think back to that day now, how did I let myself get so low, to even contemplate taking my own life, it was because I held everything in, I tried to conquer my problems on my own, to proud to ask for help, don't be to proud, there is help out there for us all, we just need to ask for it. Please remember there is always someone who can help!!
Monday, 26 May 2014
Just get on with it!!!!
All my treatment ended just before my birthday, I'd been helping a friend at markets with her small business, so for the weekend of my birthday we organised a girls weekend away which incorporated a market, it also included a winery tour, but that was just a bonus lol. Being away from home, away from hospital, away from the responsibility of family, just away, I felt I could breath for the first time in months. I was starting to feel alive again, I hated looking in the mirror, the lack of hair, the weight gain, I hated my body, I hated myself, I hated feeling lost, not knowing what direction I was headed anymore. All those things that had seemed so important a year ago, were meaningless, why stress over stupid things, why work myself into an early grave, why neglect myself while caring for everyone else, it hadn't got me anywhere, it got me cancer.
I used the time away to think, I no longer wanted the stress of a management position, it wasn't worth it to me anymore, I wanted more quality time with my family, I wasn't going to say yes to everyone, scared if I said no it would upset them, I needed time for me. Enough worrying about everyone else, maybe it was time to be a little selfish, time to look after me for a while. It was time to work out which direction I wanted to head in, should I take the safe road? Keep doing what I knew or should I break out, try something new, invent a new me?
Over the next few months life formed a new type of normal, but only on the surface, underneath there was so much turmoil, so much left unsaid, feelings that hadn't been expressed, emotions hidden deep inside. A trip to Vanuatu to celebrate my brothers wedding was supposed to be the honeymoon we never had, but to me it emphasised how far apart we were drifting. I had no idea how to fix that, I had taken so much rejection during treatment, that I had lost the self confidence to try to begin anything physical, I longed to be held but was so scared of being pushed away that I hid those feelings from him, I needed to discuss what should happen from here, what had happened and how it had affected us, but he wouldn't let me in, a wall had been built that felt so impenetrable, I wondered if I'd ever see inside.
I was so alone, no one understood how I felt, the loss, the fear, the daily struggles, to everyone around me I was better, treatment was over, I was supposed to pick up my life again, almost as if breast cancer had never happened, if I mentioned it in conversation I was an attention seeker, if I retreated because I felt uncomfortable, I was rude and inconsiderate, I couldn't win, nothing I did was right, so I stopped trying, I looked after my kids and the house, worked when I could, the whole time pretending, dying a little more inside each day, I was a shell, empty and alone!!
I used the time away to think, I no longer wanted the stress of a management position, it wasn't worth it to me anymore, I wanted more quality time with my family, I wasn't going to say yes to everyone, scared if I said no it would upset them, I needed time for me. Enough worrying about everyone else, maybe it was time to be a little selfish, time to look after me for a while. It was time to work out which direction I wanted to head in, should I take the safe road? Keep doing what I knew or should I break out, try something new, invent a new me?
Over the next few months life formed a new type of normal, but only on the surface, underneath there was so much turmoil, so much left unsaid, feelings that hadn't been expressed, emotions hidden deep inside. A trip to Vanuatu to celebrate my brothers wedding was supposed to be the honeymoon we never had, but to me it emphasised how far apart we were drifting. I had no idea how to fix that, I had taken so much rejection during treatment, that I had lost the self confidence to try to begin anything physical, I longed to be held but was so scared of being pushed away that I hid those feelings from him, I needed to discuss what should happen from here, what had happened and how it had affected us, but he wouldn't let me in, a wall had been built that felt so impenetrable, I wondered if I'd ever see inside.
I was so alone, no one understood how I felt, the loss, the fear, the daily struggles, to everyone around me I was better, treatment was over, I was supposed to pick up my life again, almost as if breast cancer had never happened, if I mentioned it in conversation I was an attention seeker, if I retreated because I felt uncomfortable, I was rude and inconsiderate, I couldn't win, nothing I did was right, so I stopped trying, I looked after my kids and the house, worked when I could, the whole time pretending, dying a little more inside each day, I was a shell, empty and alone!!
Sunday, 25 May 2014
The End was in Sight......
Once chemo finished, I had a couple of weeks break, I was starting to exercise again, slowly the swelling in my feet & legs was subsiding, I was feeling a little more normal. I had high hopes of returning to work during the morning and the having my radiation on the way home. The thought of returning to work was daunting, after being told by my oncologist I couldn't work because of the swelling, it made me feel a little more useful again.
I had the scans, the tattoo' s and the measurements done in preparation for radiation. Once radiation started I was started to see the end of all this crap, I tried to work, but as the weeks went by, I suffered from chronic fatigue, plus my skin was blistered, bruised and starting to break down. Unfortunately it wasn't the only thing breaking down, I was a mess, my marriage was a mess, I wanted to run away, to hide from everyone and everything. The last day of radiation was horrid, I'd been looking forward to it for weeks, but of all days the clinic was running way behind and I was last in, so when I walked out, the whole clinic was empty and deserted. I felt so abandoned, I walked out of the hospital thinking that's it, it's over, what the hell do I do now......
For nearly 9 months my life had revolved around doctors appointments, treatments, daily visits to the hospital, now it was like bye, your treatments done, see you later. I got home that afternoon, I went to my room and I cried for nearly an hour, it wasn't sadness or pain, it was helplessness, I felt lost, I didn't know where to go from there.
My husband couldn't understand my tears, he didn't get how I felt, but neither did I, if I couldn't define the problem, how did I explain it to him. So many people just seemed of the opinion, it's over now, get back on with your life, you are better. But I wasn't I was scared, angry and lost, I'd been forced to take stock of my life, I'd changed, I mean who wouldn't change after that kind of experience, I had a family to take care of though, so I just started trying to piece it all back together, I let everyone around me think I was fine, I was so far from fine it wasn't funny.
I had the scans, the tattoo' s and the measurements done in preparation for radiation. Once radiation started I was started to see the end of all this crap, I tried to work, but as the weeks went by, I suffered from chronic fatigue, plus my skin was blistered, bruised and starting to break down. Unfortunately it wasn't the only thing breaking down, I was a mess, my marriage was a mess, I wanted to run away, to hide from everyone and everything. The last day of radiation was horrid, I'd been looking forward to it for weeks, but of all days the clinic was running way behind and I was last in, so when I walked out, the whole clinic was empty and deserted. I felt so abandoned, I walked out of the hospital thinking that's it, it's over, what the hell do I do now......
For nearly 9 months my life had revolved around doctors appointments, treatments, daily visits to the hospital, now it was like bye, your treatments done, see you later. I got home that afternoon, I went to my room and I cried for nearly an hour, it wasn't sadness or pain, it was helplessness, I felt lost, I didn't know where to go from there.
My husband couldn't understand my tears, he didn't get how I felt, but neither did I, if I couldn't define the problem, how did I explain it to him. So many people just seemed of the opinion, it's over now, get back on with your life, you are better. But I wasn't I was scared, angry and lost, I'd been forced to take stock of my life, I'd changed, I mean who wouldn't change after that kind of experience, I had a family to take care of though, so I just started trying to piece it all back together, I let everyone around me think I was fine, I was so far from fine it wasn't funny.
Friday, 23 May 2014
Time for Treatment
The next few weeks after that fateful day were a blur of doctors, tests, then surgery, I was lucky in that I only needed a lumpectomy, I didn't have the radical surgery that others had to have. But at the time I didn't feel lucky, I was angry at my body, it had betrayed me, once the dressing was removed, I could see the scar I was left with, I couldn't bear to look at it. I'm not someone you would look at and instantly call pretty, but my cleavage was the part of my body I was most proud off, until it turned on me, my own body had tried in effect to kill me. I now had an ugly puckered scar, one boob is two cup sizes smaller than the other, others may not notice but I do. If I'm working out and look down along my body, I see the difference, my clothes pull to one side, I'm no longer comfortable in my own skin, I don't feel attractive or sexy anymore, I feel defective, imperfect, undesirable.
How do you learn to love yourself again, when you can't like yourself, I felt like a stranger in my own body, not knowing what would happen next, but I kept it all tightly locked away, the pain, the fear, the disgust, I needed to keep up the happy exterior, make everyone think I was coping, plus we hadn't told the kids yet. It had been decided to wait until after the surgery results came back, then we would know what was next and could explain it all to the kids. So when the results came back as aggressive, but we caught it before it spread, meaning chemo & radiation, it was time to break the news. Telling my boys was the worst part of all of it, trying to convince them, that everything would be ok, I'd be sick for a while, but it would get better, I would get better. Looking into their eyes, watching the fear and confusion appear was like a knife to my heart .
Through all of this I was still working, but my heart definitely wasn't in it, I resented being at work, I hated the pity I got from everyone, but once chemo started the fatigue meant I could only manage to work a few days a fortnight, then once I started to swell in my legs and feet even a few hours was impossible. I was starting to feel useless, simple things were so tiring, but I formed a routine, if I did things in the morning when I had the energy it wasn't so overwhelming. So the housework got done before lunchtime, our slow cooker got used a lot, I could put dinner on in the morning, so that by the evening when I was buggered, it was easy to finish off and serve.
Throughout chemo, I tried to stay as positive on the outside as I could, I kept the happy face on, so many people around me were struggling to cope with my cancer, so I protected them, it was stupid really by making it all good for them, I was just burying things deeper and deeper. I could feel my husband retreating further from me as each day passed, physically he was there, he took me to appointments, to chemo sessions, he cooked and helped with the cleaning, but emotionally he shut down and shut me out. It was his way of dealing, he thought he was doing the right thing, but it wasn't I needed him and he wasn't available. The further he retreated, the less I attempted to share, I was feeling abandoned and alone, I couldn't handle the rejection from him, he wasn't able to comfort me and to me it felt like he was disgusted by me, I couldn't bear to look at myself so how could he. It made sense to me in my mind, he didn't seem willing to hold me or touch me, so I just stopped trying. It was about then that I felt parts of our marriage start dying, he had always been my best friend, I could tell him anything, but now I couldn't, we had lost that bond and our ability to deeply communicate. We looked ok on the surface, but the cracks underneath were growing with every passing day.
It was strongly reinforced to me, during these times, just how alone we really are in this world, we have friends and family we think will always be there no matter what, but when the chips are down, it is sad how many just can't handle things, I had people I had relied on my entire life, disappear during my treatment, they couldn't cope, so instead of sucking it up and just being there for me, they ran or they hid or they just pretended it wasn't that bad, why was I so worried. I shouldn't have been the one to make them feel better, I shouldn't have had to hide my true thoughts, feelings, fears and hopes. I needed to lean a little on people I had done anything for, but they couldn't afford me the same courtesy. I did find out who my true friends were, I learnt who I could and couldn't rely on, but most of all I learnt that protecting people only caused more pain to me in the short and long term, never again will I hold things back like that, if people can't handle it when I express what I need from them, then I don't need them in my life.
I have now forgiven those who let me down, it is not my fault they were too self centred to help me, but It will take a lot from them before I could trust them again, I had to forgive and move on, so that I could begin to heal. So always remember if you are unable to give of yourself freely to help the ones you love, then stepping back to allow those who can to help, is the best thing you can do!!!
How do you learn to love yourself again, when you can't like yourself, I felt like a stranger in my own body, not knowing what would happen next, but I kept it all tightly locked away, the pain, the fear, the disgust, I needed to keep up the happy exterior, make everyone think I was coping, plus we hadn't told the kids yet. It had been decided to wait until after the surgery results came back, then we would know what was next and could explain it all to the kids. So when the results came back as aggressive, but we caught it before it spread, meaning chemo & radiation, it was time to break the news. Telling my boys was the worst part of all of it, trying to convince them, that everything would be ok, I'd be sick for a while, but it would get better, I would get better. Looking into their eyes, watching the fear and confusion appear was like a knife to my heart .
Through all of this I was still working, but my heart definitely wasn't in it, I resented being at work, I hated the pity I got from everyone, but once chemo started the fatigue meant I could only manage to work a few days a fortnight, then once I started to swell in my legs and feet even a few hours was impossible. I was starting to feel useless, simple things were so tiring, but I formed a routine, if I did things in the morning when I had the energy it wasn't so overwhelming. So the housework got done before lunchtime, our slow cooker got used a lot, I could put dinner on in the morning, so that by the evening when I was buggered, it was easy to finish off and serve.
Throughout chemo, I tried to stay as positive on the outside as I could, I kept the happy face on, so many people around me were struggling to cope with my cancer, so I protected them, it was stupid really by making it all good for them, I was just burying things deeper and deeper. I could feel my husband retreating further from me as each day passed, physically he was there, he took me to appointments, to chemo sessions, he cooked and helped with the cleaning, but emotionally he shut down and shut me out. It was his way of dealing, he thought he was doing the right thing, but it wasn't I needed him and he wasn't available. The further he retreated, the less I attempted to share, I was feeling abandoned and alone, I couldn't handle the rejection from him, he wasn't able to comfort me and to me it felt like he was disgusted by me, I couldn't bear to look at myself so how could he. It made sense to me in my mind, he didn't seem willing to hold me or touch me, so I just stopped trying. It was about then that I felt parts of our marriage start dying, he had always been my best friend, I could tell him anything, but now I couldn't, we had lost that bond and our ability to deeply communicate. We looked ok on the surface, but the cracks underneath were growing with every passing day.
It was strongly reinforced to me, during these times, just how alone we really are in this world, we have friends and family we think will always be there no matter what, but when the chips are down, it is sad how many just can't handle things, I had people I had relied on my entire life, disappear during my treatment, they couldn't cope, so instead of sucking it up and just being there for me, they ran or they hid or they just pretended it wasn't that bad, why was I so worried. I shouldn't have been the one to make them feel better, I shouldn't have had to hide my true thoughts, feelings, fears and hopes. I needed to lean a little on people I had done anything for, but they couldn't afford me the same courtesy. I did find out who my true friends were, I learnt who I could and couldn't rely on, but most of all I learnt that protecting people only caused more pain to me in the short and long term, never again will I hold things back like that, if people can't handle it when I express what I need from them, then I don't need them in my life.
I have now forgiven those who let me down, it is not my fault they were too self centred to help me, but It will take a lot from them before I could trust them again, I had to forgive and move on, so that I could begin to heal. So always remember if you are unable to give of yourself freely to help the ones you love, then stepping back to allow those who can to help, is the best thing you can do!!!
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
Breaking the News
Ok woman, think, you can do this, you have been a navy wife for 16 yrs, pull yourself together and do what you have to. A couple of phone calls later, a message had been sent to hubby to call home, now to break it to my family, how the hell do you break news like this over the phone, you just do. Telling my mum was hard, I cried, but I did it, I left it to her to tell my dad, that I couldn't face, my dad isn't afraid to show emotion and I needed to be strong, hearing his reaction would have undone me.
By the time hubby called I was a bit more in control, for the first time ever in my marriage, I asked him to come home, to put me before his career, something I had sworn never to do, he had understanding superiors though and they managed to get him ashore, on his way home quickly, he would arrive home that night.
Once my family knew, I called a couple of friends, who asked what I needed, it didn't take long for me to decide, I needed the girls to bring wine, what ensued was a night of laughter, tears and a lot of alcohol, but it was how I needed to deal with what was life changing news, the details could wait, my way of dealing that night was to get drunk and stupid. My husband arrived at midnight to a house of very drunk, very silly women, my friends wouldn't leave until he was home.
A little later as I lay in his arms, after we made love for what I didn't know at the time would be the last time for a year, I cried, I let the reality hit me and I cried until I was exhausted, it was then that I made what would turn out to be a major mistake, I took those emotions and I locked them away, I swore to be strong for myself, my husband, my kids, my family and my friends, I vowed to keep from everyone the sheer terror I was experiencing, no matter what I wouldn't let anyone see how scared I was.
If I could change anything, that would be the thing I would change, I would allow the emotions to flow, I would let others see the good, the bad and the ugly, I shouldn't have sugar coated things, maybe if I had of dealt with it all then, life would be easier now, isn't hindsight a fabulous thing!!!
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
The beginning when it all fell apart!!!
Why do we as women put some much pressure on ourselves to be perfect, the perfect wife, mother, housewife, lover, friend, we hold ourselves up to sometimes impossible standards & when we don't get it right we feel somehow lesser beings, a failure, never good enough.
After what has been a roller coaster last five years in my life, I find myself questioning everything that is me, who am I these days, where do I fit into this world, what is my place these days, where am I heading, it has taken my probably my whole life to come to the realization that I need to find myself and be happy with that person. It is time to stop being who I think others see me as, stop trying to be something I'm not just to keep other people happy, I need to like myself again, to feel worthy, to be confident within myself, It is only then that I will feel whole again.
Five years ago, I was working full time, racing around after two kids, with a husband who was away more often than he was home as he serves in the navy. I was non-stop busy, but things were going well, we were planning on a family trip to Hawaii to meet hubby who was going to be on exercise over there. Work was stressful but fulfilling, I was an assistant manger for a major auto parts company, I had been offered the chance to train to step up to a managers position, seeing I had worked there for nearly 10yrs, I planned to use some long service leave at Christmas/New Years time to go camping with my extended family. We had a wonderful family holiday, spent with family in Victoria and headed back to work/school renewed and refreshed, little did we know what was around the corner.
Towards the end of feb 2010, hubby was away for a week or two at a time, it was the day before he left for one of these weekly trips that I felt a lump in my left breast, I'd had them before, they had turned out to be nothing. I farewelled my husband without letting him know about the lump, even though this one felt very different to any other, I didn't want him distracted from his job by worrying about me. I saw my doctor on the Monday, he was a little concerned, so I was booked in for tests on thursday, by the time I had been squashed in the mammogram machine for the 5th time I knew something wasn't right, 11 mammograms later, I could see a black mass where one shouldn't be. I had to wait 24hrs for the results and to this day I remember the moment my doctor said it appears cancerous. Next came the biopsy which confirmed breast cancer.
I left the doctors office drove home and remember standing in the middle of my kitchen, shaking, crying, thinking OMG what do I now, my husband is at sea, my parents are 1000kms away, my children will be home from school in an hour, what the hell do I do.
After what has been a roller coaster last five years in my life, I find myself questioning everything that is me, who am I these days, where do I fit into this world, what is my place these days, where am I heading, it has taken my probably my whole life to come to the realization that I need to find myself and be happy with that person. It is time to stop being who I think others see me as, stop trying to be something I'm not just to keep other people happy, I need to like myself again, to feel worthy, to be confident within myself, It is only then that I will feel whole again.
Five years ago, I was working full time, racing around after two kids, with a husband who was away more often than he was home as he serves in the navy. I was non-stop busy, but things were going well, we were planning on a family trip to Hawaii to meet hubby who was going to be on exercise over there. Work was stressful but fulfilling, I was an assistant manger for a major auto parts company, I had been offered the chance to train to step up to a managers position, seeing I had worked there for nearly 10yrs, I planned to use some long service leave at Christmas/New Years time to go camping with my extended family. We had a wonderful family holiday, spent with family in Victoria and headed back to work/school renewed and refreshed, little did we know what was around the corner.
Towards the end of feb 2010, hubby was away for a week or two at a time, it was the day before he left for one of these weekly trips that I felt a lump in my left breast, I'd had them before, they had turned out to be nothing. I farewelled my husband without letting him know about the lump, even though this one felt very different to any other, I didn't want him distracted from his job by worrying about me. I saw my doctor on the Monday, he was a little concerned, so I was booked in for tests on thursday, by the time I had been squashed in the mammogram machine for the 5th time I knew something wasn't right, 11 mammograms later, I could see a black mass where one shouldn't be. I had to wait 24hrs for the results and to this day I remember the moment my doctor said it appears cancerous. Next came the biopsy which confirmed breast cancer.
I left the doctors office drove home and remember standing in the middle of my kitchen, shaking, crying, thinking OMG what do I now, my husband is at sea, my parents are 1000kms away, my children will be home from school in an hour, what the hell do I do.
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