Why are we so afraid to voice these dark emotions and thoughts? Is it the fear of being vulnerable? Or perhaps the thought of scaring those around us? How can anyone possibly understand the reasons behind our thoughts, when we don't.
This is why mental illness and depression are such incidious diseases, on the outside there are no systems, no physical manifestations, unless people are able to penetrate the facade of normality they never know, the maelstrom of feelings going on. The crippling self doubt, the self loathing and the crushing fear.
These emotions can well up at anytime, without warning, sometimes without apparent reason. We are unable to control them or combat them, we can only ride the wave and hope to come out the other side, without further damaging ourselves or those around us.
Surviving the black hole, is about hope, hope that the light will keep shining, giving me something to anchor to, so I don't get lost. Hope that each day I wake up, a little stronger, with a little more confidence, hope that one day the good days will outnumber the bad. Until then it's a case of keeping the wall up, painting on a happy face and praying that I can convince everyone else I'm ok, because if I succeed in convincing others, maybe one day I'll convince myself.
