Let it all hang out!!!

     Well it’s been a while since I last posted. I had felt more in control and able to deal with stuff, plus life got really busy. But now I’m needing to let some stuff out, because frankly if I hold it in much longer I’ll explode.
     Life was going pretty well last year, I had to make some hard decisions, I went back to work for the sake of my family, I still kept the business going, but I also needed to bring in additional income. So after making that difficult decision I found a job I enjoyed with great workmates and things were looking up. I was happy in my personal life, had a great bunch of friends, family was going well and I was earning a good wage and feeling useful.
     Then it all changed, we found out we would be moving, the joys of being a navy wife, hubby left early, so we continued without him. Then my world collapsed around me. My children fell apart and it led to the darkest time my family has ever experienced. It’s still a very difficult subject to talk about so I’ll cover that another time.
     But while my world was falling apart I retreated, I circled the wagons to protect my family and focused on getting my kids the help they needed while staying strong for everyone, but inside I was a mess, I was falling apart, I felt so alone, I couldn’t talk about it and in my time of need, I had no one. Out of nowhere a supposed good friend just turned on me, I still have no idea why, she just stopped talking to me, I pretended it didn’t hurt, but it did and it still does.
     I know I’m not over it because now it’s affecting my health, holding in my pain, disappointment and bitterness has given me a migraine of epic proportions, plus an ulcer in my mouth, now if you believe in such things and I do sometimes, a mouth ulcer comes from holding in what you really want to say. So I’m letting it all out here.
     I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m lonely and I’m so tired of being the strong one, I’m over hiding my pain behind a smile, putting on a brave face for the world to see. Fuck you all that have ignored my pain, to those who turned away, keep turning and don’t come back, don’t ever expect me to be there for you, because I’m done, I finally see right through your bullshit and I don’t need it or you in my life. The day you realize what you have thrown away will be too late, because I’m gone and I’m not coming back. Have a nice life, because I know I will without you in it.
     I’m not saying I now magically feel fine again, cause that’s ridiculous, but by acknowledging my pain finally, I feel lighter and able to move forward, looking back is not doing me any favors, so my focus is changing, day by day!!!!

Seven year emotional itch!!

      Seven years have passed, some days it feels like time has dragged, others I look back and think 7 years, where the hell did they go. Every year the anniversary of my diagnosis feels different, the way I react to it is different.

      This year I needed to reflect, to pause, look back and assess where I'd been and where I was going. I was happy to be alone this year, I didn't feel the need to surround myself with others for support. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an easy day, the emotions it stirs are not pretty, they are raw and painful. I'm fairly sure that won't change, but the way I react and handle it, that's what's changing.

      The personal development work I've been doing has helped me in lots of ways, it's helped me to see, that I can feel and acknowledge  these emotions, without dwelling on them or using them as an excuse to spiral down again. Looking back can be an great way to assess your progress, but if we constantly look back, we miss what's happening right in front of us.

     So from now on I'm focusing on what's ahead of me, the past is done and gone, it can't be changed, so no point dwelling on regrets. Keep your eyes on the future and all the adventures yet to be lived!!!      

Toxic friends......why do we keep them??

       We all have that one friend, the one who drives us insane to the point of wanting to avoid them, the one who we are scared to be brutally honest with as it will give them another chance to play the victim. What is the best way to deal, is total avoidance easier or do we just keep our mouths closed and leave them to wallow. It often seems no matter what path we choose we are in the wrong, many can't handle a friend who is brutally honest, they prefer a friend who blows wind up their arse, they need a label for everyone around them as an excuse for laziness, poor behavior  or just plain ignorance. 

      Why do we choose to remain friends with these toxic people, are we programmed to find others to stop us feeling lonely or do we like to feel superior to these poor saps, we can denigrate their lives while avoiding the truth of our own lives. Judging people is so easy to do, we are all guilty of it, even those martyrs who claim they don't judge others.

      
      If these people are so toxic to us, what is the point in keeping them close to us? Have we as a society become so scared of offending people, that we keep people in our lives that make it harder, that make us feel like shit when in their company. We need to ask ourselves what is more important, the amount of friends we have or the quality of the people we are friends with.

      So what's the best way to deal with these so called friends, because honestly can they be called friends when they are so toxic? Honesty can help, many people don't like hearing the truth when they want to be the victim, so if you are always honest they may decide to look elsewhere for sympathy. I find quiet indifference often works, appearing to listen but never committing to helping. Avoiding them completely can be a great relief, if that is possible within your social circle.

       But what it really all boils down to, is asking yourself how much value you place on your time? Because all the time you waste on listening, advising or trying to help will be for nothing in the long run, because fixing a problem means not getting anymore attention and attention is the one thing a toxic person craves. So it's time for big girl panties and a dose of harden the fuck up, if that doesn't work, time to walk away, I believe it's much better to have a few good friends who value you as much as you value them, than to have a bunch of toxic pains in your arses who suck the life right out of you.

      Man up, piss them off and get on with enjoying life the way it should be enjoyed, with good friends, great food and amazing booze!!!!