It's time to focus on getting myself back, regaining my confidence, restoring my self esteem, feeling attractive again, I know it won't be the same as before the cancer, but with focus and effort maybe it can be better, so it's time to put a plan in place.
Step 1: a counsellor, I can't sort my head, so it's time to find someone who can help me, a professional who can help me sort the myriad of thoughts running through my head. I need to unlock a few vaults, let the bottled up shit out and deal with it, keeping it to myself hasn't helped me, so hopefully letting it out will work, it can't make it any worse, can it? So today I made a couple of calls, started the process, now I'm just waiting for a call back with my first appointment time. That wasn't too painful, so what's next.
Step 2: fitness, tomorrow is a new day, time to start back with exercise, going to start with a couple of short, light sessions. Pushing myself too hard too quickly is going to set me backwards, no matter how frustrating it is, I will do this slowly and properly. I will regain my fitness level, I will start the C25k challenge again, I will recover my strength & muscle tone, squats and push-ups will get easier. The day will start with a weigh in, be accountable, be responsible.
Step 3: weightloss, time to cut down on the soft drinks, chips and chocolate, start drinking my sassy water again, get everything prepped to start the smoothie challenge again. It's time to give my body a detox, plus I need to remember to take my supplements, do a bit of meal planning, keep things healthy and tasty.
Step 4: check up time at the doc, I'm feeling very rundown and tired lately, plus the amount of random mystery bruises I am getting, makes me think I need a once over, just a check up to make sure there are no underlying issues that will derail my efforts.
The beginnings of a plan, a way forward to refer to later, just having it down makes it feel less of an obstacle, you need to start, to gives things a try, to be able to succeed. Operation bring sexy back has commenced!!
Cancer take many things from us, our health, our confidence, our self esteem, its so hard fighting the battle to survive, on the merry-go-round of doctors, treatments and trying to keep our heads above water, often we close off parts of ourselves, we put aside feelings, wants, needs, desires until we have the strength to deal with them. The problem with putting these things aside, is how do we face them again? How do we release those feelings we have locked away to begin to sort them out?
I know in my case, in my battle to get through each day, I pretended to be strong, I worried about those around me, I protected them from the worst of my pain, kept the feelings of despair, fear and loneliness suppressed, in trying to protect both myself and those around me, I built walls around myself, I may have pushed some people away as well, but when I needed comfort & support from the main person in my life, I found he had built a wall shutting me out. He was doing what he thought was best for me, staying strong for me, but he was also pushing me away, I felt so alone, but most importantly I felt rejected.
The cancer had already shaken my confidence to the core, my self esteem had vanished, as the treatment ravaged my body, I started to despise it, my cleavage which had always helped me feel sexy was trying to kill me in effect, I no longer felt attractive, my libido vanished, all desire to be touched was gone. But we cannot survive without intimacy, we need to feel affection and attraction, feeling desirable helps with ones self confidence, but the bitch of it is, we need the self confidence to put ourselves out there as well. So really its one of those catch 22's, can one exist without the other?
Right now my struggle is trying to figure out how to feel attractive and confident again, our counselling is going well, communication is improving, we are regaining slowly but surely the relationship we once had, with one big BUT hanging between us. SEX yes sex is now the biggest hurdle to the success of our marriage, for can our marriage really survive without physical intimacy?
I have moments where I feel like I used to, we are being flirty and playful, but when it comes to taking it to the next step, I just cant, I start to panic and I flee, I shut back down. I don't want to feel like this, I want to feel attractive, sexy, desirable, but I don't know how. If I don't like myself, how can expect someone else to? How can I feel attractive with my husband, when my body repels me? What do I do next? Where do I go from here?
After what has been a very full on week, I find myself feeling just flat, my body is telling me a little break is needed, I know I have things I should be doing but sometimes you just need to relax, take time out, recharge your batteries. So after a busy morning that included customers picking up, a bit of housework, some shopping and dropping in to a cancer fundraiser to do our bit, it's time to just sit and wind down for a while. It's a sunny day outside, but the wind is freezing, so the couch is beckoning, there are V8 super cars racing on the TV, a cuppa to be enjoyed and a lovely scented candle to add to the air of relaxation.
It is so nice to just sit and chill for a little while, I think we tend to forget that we need to recharge, going nonstop isn't good for you, your body needs a break every now and then. The problem these days is we are all so busy rushing from one place to another and cramming so much into every day that the only time we take a break is when we are sick. Being sick is our bodies way of forcing us to slow down, because you can only ignore the warning signs your body gives you for so long. Luckily for the majority of people it's usually a minor illness that forces that break, but for others it's a major life changing illness.
Experiencing such a serious illness can totally change your perspective, it brings into focus what is truly important, instead of constantly rushing through life, you learn to stop sweating the small stuff, to enjoy the important moments and most importantly to be grateful for every day you have will the people you love. Priorities seem a little out of wack these days, we spend so much time worrying about money, about buying our kids the latest and greatest gadget, we forget what is really important.
Take a second and look at your kids, is having the latest iPad so important to them or is spending time with you, feeling loved, laughing at something silly, enjoying hugs or wrestles what they really want. Are they going to remember what toys they had when they are an adult? They will remember days spent being lavished with attention, great family moments, even just spending a day running around a park, they will remember times when you snuggled on the couch enjoying a movie. The most happy memories of my childhood involve being surrounded by family, they are days on the beach, in the park, camping in a tent with a portable toilet, nights around a fire. It's not what we were doing that matters, it's the memory of being together with family and feeling loved.
I know my kids love movie afternoons, we all sit together with popcorn and a movie, the movie isn't important, it's the relaxing and spending time as a family, watching motor racing is another favourite family past time, as it was we I was younger, I'm hoping as my kids get older these memories of being together as a family, stay with them. We still have a busy life, but finding the balance between work, sports and family time is more important these days, my family is my top priority and having family time is more important than ever, even if it is just relaxing watching the V8's race on TV.
So just remember relaxing is actually good for your body and your piece of mind, relaxing as a family strengthens the bonds you share, take a break, enjoy what you have achieved in your life, take a deep breath and chill, go on I dare you, you might even enjoy it!!!!
