Let it all hang out!!!

     Well it’s been a while since I last posted. I had felt more in control and able to deal with stuff, plus life got really busy. But now I’m needing to let some stuff out, because frankly if I hold it in much longer I’ll explode.
     Life was going pretty well last year, I had to make some hard decisions, I went back to work for the sake of my family, I still kept the business going, but I also needed to bring in additional income. So after making that difficult decision I found a job I enjoyed with great workmates and things were looking up. I was happy in my personal life, had a great bunch of friends, family was going well and I was earning a good wage and feeling useful.
     Then it all changed, we found out we would be moving, the joys of being a navy wife, hubby left early, so we continued without him. Then my world collapsed around me. My children fell apart and it led to the darkest time my family has ever experienced. It’s still a very difficult subject to talk about so I’ll cover that another time.
     But while my world was falling apart I retreated, I circled the wagons to protect my family and focused on getting my kids the help they needed while staying strong for everyone, but inside I was a mess, I was falling apart, I felt so alone, I couldn’t talk about it and in my time of need, I had no one. Out of nowhere a supposed good friend just turned on me, I still have no idea why, she just stopped talking to me, I pretended it didn’t hurt, but it did and it still does.
     I know I’m not over it because now it’s affecting my health, holding in my pain, disappointment and bitterness has given me a migraine of epic proportions, plus an ulcer in my mouth, now if you believe in such things and I do sometimes, a mouth ulcer comes from holding in what you really want to say. So I’m letting it all out here.
     I’m hurting, I’m scared, I’m lonely and I’m so tired of being the strong one, I’m over hiding my pain behind a smile, putting on a brave face for the world to see. Fuck you all that have ignored my pain, to those who turned away, keep turning and don’t come back, don’t ever expect me to be there for you, because I’m done, I finally see right through your bullshit and I don’t need it or you in my life. The day you realize what you have thrown away will be too late, because I’m gone and I’m not coming back. Have a nice life, because I know I will without you in it.
     I’m not saying I now magically feel fine again, cause that’s ridiculous, but by acknowledging my pain finally, I feel lighter and able to move forward, looking back is not doing me any favors, so my focus is changing, day by day!!!!

Fear

Fear, gut wrenching, soul destroying fear, the type that stops you in your tracks, it catches your breath and distorts your dreams. Where does it come from, why does it occur, what influences it? Where does our self belief go, what erodes it? Leaving behind shells of our former selves struggling just to put one foot in front of the other each day.

Is it something we create ourselves or a visceral response to what is going on around us at the time. How does something small and relatively minor lead to fear so strong it literally hits you deep inside? Why do we let it defeat us?

These are the questions, plus many more that plague us late at night when insomnia steals out sleep and instead our minds go to the dark places that daytime and activity keep at bay. The ease with which we can slip into these dark scary places, is enough to give us pause, most of the time anyway.

Other times it's easy, even comfortable to slip into the embrace of darkness, it's getting out of that embrace that can prove difficult, but in the long run, so much more worthwhile. 

So instead of looking for the answers, maybe instead the best course of action is to stare the fear down, push it away, keep it at bay and ignore the darkness, focus on the light and love, hopefully eventually the light is where we will be!!!