The End was in Sight......

      Once chemo finished, I had a couple of weeks break, I was starting to exercise again, slowly the swelling in my feet & legs was subsiding, I was feeling a little more normal. I had high hopes of returning to work during the morning and the having my radiation on the way home. The thought of returning to work was daunting, after being told by my oncologist I couldn't  work because of the swelling, it made me feel a little more useful again.

       I had the scans, the tattoo' s and the measurements done in preparation for radiation. Once radiation started I was started to see the end of all this crap, I tried to work, but as the weeks went by, I suffered from chronic fatigue, plus my skin was blistered, bruised and starting to break down. Unfortunately it wasn't the only thing breaking down, I was a mess, my marriage was a mess, I wanted to run away, to hide from everyone and everything. The last day of radiation was horrid, I'd been looking forward to it for weeks, but of all days the clinic was running way behind and I was last in, so when I walked out, the whole clinic was empty and deserted. I felt so abandoned, I walked out of the hospital thinking that's it, it's over, what the hell do I do now......

       For nearly 9 months my life had revolved around doctors appointments, treatments, daily visits to the hospital, now it was like bye, your treatments done, see you later. I got home that afternoon, I went to my room and I cried for nearly an hour, it wasn't sadness or pain, it was helplessness, I felt lost, I didn't know where to go from there. 

      My husband couldn't understand my tears, he didn't get how I felt, but neither did I, if I couldn't define the problem, how did I explain it to him. So many people just seemed of the opinion, it's over now, get back on with your life, you are better. But I wasn't  I was scared, angry and lost, I'd been forced to take stock of my life, I'd changed, I mean who wouldn't change after that kind of experience, I had a family to take care of though, so I just started trying to piece it all back together, I let everyone around me think I was fine, I was so far from fine it wasn't funny.