Building a new life map......not as easy as it sounds!

      My therapist today helped me put a pin in what's been bothering me since the day I finished my treatment, I'm ANGRY!!! Really angry at a range of things that have happened to me since that fateful day I was diagnosed, but that anger isn't always a bad thing, apathy would be worse. I have a right to be angry, but I need to find source of that anger and use it constructivly. By pinpointing the causes of my anger, I can start to resolve it. I need to resolve it, so that I can move forward, so instead of watching life, I can start to live it again.

      The basis of most of my anger is the deep sense of betrayal I feel, I feel betrayed by my body most of all, but also by some of those who were closest to me. 

      The week before I was diagnosed, I was feeling great my life has purpose and direction, I was happy with the progress I was making, both at work and at home, I felt strong, confident and alive. I had just pushed 200kgs on the leg press machine and completed 50 push-ups on my toes, I wasn't the skinniest girl around, but I was a fit, strong, confident woman. 

      But then bam, my whole world fell apart and I spent the next 9 months in a free fall of doctors, hospitals, treatments and tests. Life was lived one day at a time, looking into the future was too hard, then just as suddenly it was over, final treatment, see you in three months. Gone was the strong confident woman, in her place was a weakened shell, my fitness, my health, my strength eroded, physically and emotionally I was wounded. I was scared of what the future held, scared of a relapse, scared I would never feel whole again, but underlying the fear was the anger. I was angry at what my body had become, at the people who had let me down and at myself because I couldn't see a way out of my pit of despair.

      Holy shit, were my thoughts, what now? The last 4 years I've felt in limbo, not knowing which way to go, where I fit, what to do, life was all of a sudden very scary, it's only now I realise, after seeking the help I should have got 4 years ago, that I need to rebuild me, my life, my desires, my dreams, they have all been altered, some shattered, some no longer seem important or relevant. It's time to refocus and build my new life map. I need to build this map for me, to be a little selfish even, I'm tired of being a shell, I want to be confident and whole again.

      Im still here, I bloody survived, but surviving isn't worth a damn if I don't start living again. Here's to rejoining the living no matter how much it hurts or how scary it seems!!