The next few weeks after that fateful day were a blur of doctors, tests, then surgery, I was lucky in that I only needed a lumpectomy, I didn't have the radical surgery that others had to have. But at the time I didn't feel lucky, I was angry at my body, it had betrayed me, once the dressing was removed, I could see the scar I was left with, I couldn't bear to look at it. I'm not someone you would look at and instantly call pretty, but my cleavage was the part of my body I was most proud off, until it turned on me, my own body had tried in effect to kill me. I now had an ugly puckered scar, one boob is two cup sizes smaller than the other, others may not notice but I do. If I'm working out and look down along my body, I see the difference, my clothes pull to one side, I'm no longer comfortable in my own skin, I don't feel attractive or sexy anymore, I feel defective, imperfect, undesirable.
How do you learn to love yourself again, when you can't like yourself, I felt like a stranger in my own body, not knowing what would happen next, but I kept it all tightly locked away, the pain, the fear, the disgust, I needed to keep up the happy exterior, make everyone think I was coping, plus we hadn't told the kids yet. It had been decided to wait until after the surgery results came back, then we would know what was next and could explain it all to the kids. So when the results came back as aggressive, but we caught it before it spread, meaning chemo & radiation, it was time to break the news. Telling my boys was the worst part of all of it, trying to convince them, that everything would be ok, I'd be sick for a while, but it would get better, I would get better. Looking into their eyes, watching the fear and confusion appear was like a knife to my heart .
Through all of this I was still working, but my heart definitely wasn't in it, I resented being at work, I hated the pity I got from everyone, but once chemo started the fatigue meant I could only manage to work a few days a fortnight, then once I started to swell in my legs and feet even a few hours was impossible. I was starting to feel useless, simple things were so tiring, but I formed a routine, if I did things in the morning when I had the energy it wasn't so overwhelming. So the housework got done before lunchtime, our slow cooker got used a lot, I could put dinner on in the morning, so that by the evening when I was buggered, it was easy to finish off and serve.
Throughout chemo, I tried to stay as positive on the outside as I could, I kept the happy face on, so many people around me were struggling to cope with my cancer, so I protected them, it was stupid really by making it all good for them, I was just burying things deeper and deeper. I could feel my husband retreating further from me as each day passed, physically he was there, he took me to appointments, to chemo sessions, he cooked and helped with the cleaning, but emotionally he shut down and shut me out. It was his way of dealing, he thought he was doing the right thing, but it wasn't I needed him and he wasn't available. The further he retreated, the less I attempted to share, I was feeling abandoned and alone, I couldn't handle the rejection from him, he wasn't able to comfort me and to me it felt like he was disgusted by me, I couldn't bear to look at myself so how could he. It made sense to me in my mind, he didn't seem willing to hold me or touch me, so I just stopped trying. It was about then that I felt parts of our marriage start dying, he had always been my best friend, I could tell him anything, but now I couldn't, we had lost that bond and our ability to deeply communicate. We looked ok on the surface, but the cracks underneath were growing with every passing day.
It was strongly reinforced to me, during these times, just how alone we really are in this world, we have friends and family we think will always be there no matter what, but when the chips are down, it is sad how many just can't handle things, I had people I had relied on my entire life, disappear during my treatment, they couldn't cope, so instead of sucking it up and just being there for me, they ran or they hid or they just pretended it wasn't that bad, why was I so worried. I shouldn't have been the one to make them feel better, I shouldn't have had to hide my true thoughts, feelings, fears and hopes. I needed to lean a little on people I had done anything for, but they couldn't afford me the same courtesy. I did find out who my true friends were, I learnt who I could and couldn't rely on, but most of all I learnt that protecting people only caused more pain to me in the short and long term, never again will I hold things back like that, if people can't handle it when I express what I need from them, then I don't need them in my life.
I have now forgiven those who let me down, it is not my fault they were too self centred to help me, but It will take a lot from them before I could trust them again, I had to forgive and move on, so that I could begin to heal. So always remember if you are unable to give of yourself freely to help the ones you love, then stepping back to allow those who can to help, is the best thing you can do!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment