Ups & Downs

       I remember being told as a teenager that life was full of ups and downs, what they didn't explain was how extreme those ups and downs could be. Sure over my life I've some experienced some amazing highs like my wedding, the births of my kids, some devasting lows, a failed marriage, losing family and friends, but the last five years the lows have been rock bottom, while the highs are few and far between. Cancer changed my life in so many ways, the most difficult for me has been the depression, the survivor guilt and the desperation to hold onto the highs as they so infrequently occur.

        These days I can pick the lows as they are starting, the negative feelings and thoughts, the insomnia, the urge to hide away from the world. While it's a breakthrough that I can recognise the onset, it's the pulling myself back up that is my current struggle, the despair at feeling the happy, contented feelings fading, the fact I feel unable to share the way I'm feeling with others, the fear of being judged about the lack of ability to feel good about myself. 

        Is it that I don't trust those around me to be able to cope with how I'm feeling or have I surrounded myself with people who can't be bothered to understand. My feelings of being isolated and excluded are magnified at these times, so I hide. By hiding I don't say anything which I may regret later, plus I don't hurt or offend anyone else, but I also miss out on so much, it's a double edged sword.

        In trying to find the essence of who I am these days, I find solitude soothing, I have always enjoyed my own company, I love walking through the bush or being near water as I feel at peace, places such as these calm my thoughts, helping me sort the jumble in my head. At other times I crave to be with others, to indulge in mindless conversation that helps me escape what's bothering me. My worry at the moment is those around me don't understand my urge to find solitude, therefore they think I no longer need to be included, which heightens my feelings of being out of place and excluded.

      It's more than likely this is all in my head, I'm overthinking things, finding a way to feel comfortable with socialising again is my current dilemma, being able to feel normal again, whatever normal may be is a bit more difficult than some people understand, so while I need to find a way to be less sensitive to these things, some of my friends need to realise that telling me to be grateful and get over it, is far from helpful and in some situations makes things worse. I don't wish to be the focus of their attentions, I just prefer not to have my feelings belittled and ridiculed.