Living a lie....

      Have you ever told yourself it will all sort itself out, this too shall pass, but it doesn't and it won't, we think if we repeat this mantra enough it will become true, trying to convince ourselves that the lie is in fact reality. The problem with pretending, hiding and lying to yourself is once a crack forms in your carefully constructed facade, you can never hide from it again, it lets the truth shine out, bad or good it's there and it needs to be acknowledged.

       When my husband returned from that trip it was like a honeymoon of sorts, the enjoyment of being a family again, the fitting back into the family, getting to know each other again, it was good for a while, we focused on the return, being a family and trying to be a couple again. All the while this huge dark cloud was hovering over us. 

     I hadn't told him about what happened while he was away, how do you tell the person you love, your best friend, that you hit rock bottom, it's hard enough in person, no way was I going to break that kind of news in a phone call to the other side of the world. Trying to find the right time to talk about it was torture, I'd think I was ready, but then I couldn't, I didn't know how to open up to him anymore, that wall he had built between was bloody effective, I was so emotionally fragile I was to scared to push to hard.

       Finally late one night I was able to tell him, we cried together, he got angry, I got angry, his issue was that I hadn't told him, how could I keep something like that to myself? My issue was it had been too hard to tell him, why? Back then I didn't know why I couldn't tell him, recently I have figured it out. When he blocked me out, to protect me according to him, it broke a deep trust we shared, a trust in being able to share everything, once that was broken, I didn't feel safe enough to share with him, I was so angry at him for breaking that trust. It is only now, nearly three & a half years later that the trust is so very slowly being rebuilt, it will never be the same again, because something broken can never be the same, but maybe, just maybe we can build a new version of that trust and if we can then hopefully we can emerge from this with our marriage intact.

      That is my hope....... For without hope what are we left with?