Why do we as women put some much pressure on ourselves to be perfect, the perfect wife, mother, housewife, lover, friend, we hold ourselves up to sometimes impossible standards & when we don't get it right we feel somehow lesser beings, a failure, never good enough.
After what has been a roller coaster last five years in my life, I find myself questioning everything that is me, who am I these days, where do I fit into this world, what is my place these days, where am I heading, it has taken my probably my whole life to come to the realization that I need to find myself and be happy with that person. It is time to stop being who I think others see me as, stop trying to be something I'm not just to keep other people happy, I need to like myself again, to feel worthy, to be confident within myself, It is only then that I will feel whole again.
Five years ago, I was working full time, racing around after two kids, with a husband who was away more often than he was home as he serves in the navy. I was non-stop busy, but things were going well, we were planning on a family trip to Hawaii to meet hubby who was going to be on exercise over there. Work was stressful but fulfilling, I was an assistant manger for a major auto parts company, I had been offered the chance to train to step up to a managers position, seeing I had worked there for nearly 10yrs, I planned to use some long service leave at Christmas/New Years time to go camping with my extended family. We had a wonderful family holiday, spent with family in Victoria and headed back to work/school renewed and refreshed, little did we know what was around the corner.
Towards the end of feb 2010, hubby was away for a week or two at a time, it was the day before he left for one of these weekly trips that I felt a lump in my left breast, I'd had them before, they had turned out to be nothing. I farewelled my husband without letting him know about the lump, even though this one felt very different to any other, I didn't want him distracted from his job by worrying about me. I saw my doctor on the Monday, he was a little concerned, so I was booked in for tests on thursday, by the time I had been squashed in the mammogram machine for the 5th time I knew something wasn't right, 11 mammograms later, I could see a black mass where one shouldn't be. I had to wait 24hrs for the results and to this day I remember the moment my doctor said it appears cancerous. Next came the biopsy which confirmed breast cancer.
I left the doctors office drove home and remember standing in the middle of my kitchen, shaking, crying, thinking OMG what do I now, my husband is at sea, my parents are 1000kms away, my children will be home from school in an hour, what the hell do I do.
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