Here's to a New Year!!!

       It's that time of year again, a new year is starting so we look back on the past year and make resolutions to do better, to lose weight, to get more organised, but honestly how many of us succeed with those resolutions? This year I didn't make resolutions, I set myself goals to achieve, not all at once, gradually, step by step, without pressure or recriminations.

      For me last year was a year of turmoil, upheaval and the facing of many hidden truths. Thankfully after ALOT of hard work, my marriage has survived, it's still a work in progress, but it's moving forward, I faced some hard truths about myself, about who I'd allowed myself to become and I started thinking about who I would rather be, I'm not there by any stretch of the imagination, I have some ideas in my head of who that person could be, but that too is flexible.

      Until I'm truly happy with myself, how can I expect anyone else to love me, well that is the Rock and hard place question, many believe we need to love ourselves for others to love us, where others believe that when we are lost, those who love us should be there to help guide us back to ourselves. Myself I like a little from both camps of thought, we need to believe and love ourselves, so others can see the person worth loving, but also the people who have loved us the longest should be able to see through to the person they love and assist in helping that person shine through again.

       I needed to acknowledge to myself that not only had I let myself down, that I had been let down by those I needed the most, mostly this was not their fault, all our coping mechanisms are different, my expectations needed voicing by me, instead of hoping they could read my mind on occasion. I needed to confront my anger, my hurt, the feelings of betrayal head on, only then could I begin to heal again.

      In the past 12 months I have learnt to stop being so available to help others, I need to back away sometimes, to focus on my needs and my wellbeing, if doing so is selfish, then so be it, exhausting myself to help others and getting nothing in return will just destroy me, it's time for me, if some people can't deal with that, I'll survive, I've gotten through worse.

      It is true, some people are in our lives for a lifetime, while others are just there for a short time to help us learn, working out who fits where is the life lesson, so here's to 2015, a year to emerge again, to live life instead of just existing, stay tuned I think this year will be a doozy!!!