Who are You??

      Who are we really?? In a era filled will life coaches, motivational speakers and self help gurus, who are you?? We are bombarded with messages like "be your authentic self", "you are the captain of your ship" and "only you are responsible for your happiness". But what the hell does it all mean?

      When you listen to a speaker who's job it is to make you question every aspect of your life, do you embrace the questions or worry about what the answers will be. Are you sitting there thinking, shit do I really do that? am I projecting my shit onto others? Or are you the person in the room mentally doing your shopping list? Does it have to be at a certain time in your life,  for these lessons to make sense? Is figuring ourselves out, the same as stopping smoking? You need to want to do it and be open to it, someone else telling you want to do before you yourself are ready, just goes in one ear and out the other.

      This is just a snippet of the whirlwind inside my head at the moment, it's been going on for the last 24hrs, ever since I listened to a wonderful lady speak, someone who inspires me greatly. During her talk, many times it felt like she was looking into my thoughts as she spoke. The result of this being, a overwhelming feeling of restlessness, a lack of satisfaction with myself. It helped me to recognize why I feel so disconnected lately, so lacking in purpose. 

      The big problem with that, is now to figure out my purpose, to figure out who I really am, not who I am as a wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend. Me the person who is both all and none of these. Me who only I know the best or hopefully will soon. 

     So the next path begins, time to find my "authentic self", the real no holds barred woman hiding under layers of bullshit, the person who has so far survived all the shitnlife has thrown at her. Time to stop hiding, stop pretending, stop being who others expect me to be, time for real. I can guarantee it's not going to be pretty, I know I'll lose a few people along the way,  but hopefully those who are true, will stick with me, if not it's time to find my people who will, only time will tell who will survive.

      Ok authentic self, here I come,  ready or not!!!!!!!

Self Sabotage....we all do it!!!

      Things were going along nicely, I was feeling better, I was making progress, I was doing something to help myself, fuck I was actually liking myself, then boom I wake up today and its gone, FFS how can a lousy 6 hours sleeping undo the bloody hard work of the last 2 weeks, my mind is so screwed up that it messed me up again and people wonder why I drink.

      After hitting the lows I had hit lately, I made a conscious decision to pull myself up and get the hell on with it, no point wallowing in my own pity party, they are only fun for so long. Besides it was time to listen to my own rants, nothing changes while you whinge about it. We all know someone who constantly complains but never wants to try any suggestions given to them, because if they fix their problems what will they have to complain bout. 

      So if I am to be a worthwhile member of society, then I need to able to give those around me something of value, I need to top dragging myself and others down, because eventually, I'll end up so far down no one will ever see me. Jesus I need to stop reading inspirational quotes at stupid o'clock in the morning, I'm starting to sound like a twat. But on the other hand sounding like a twat is better than stealing the happy from everyone around me.

     But I've gone off on a tangent, so typical of me, the mind wanders to avoid the truth, get back on track stupid lmao.

    So step 1, I've acknowledged I'm being a big fat sook, looking for a pity party, for everyone else to fix me.

Step 2, Join up to a weight loss/fitness challenge to get a body I prefer to the one I'm living in right now, do it with others to make me accountable.

Step 3, Get my work/life balance sorted, so I'm not so bloody tired all the time.

      OK, the week started well, did my workouts, ate good foods, sorted a schedule, three days in, it all goes to shit, extreme period pain every time I move, craving for carbs and chocolate, the urge to sleep all day, hidden under a blanket. Adulting is to hard, I'm over being responsible, thinking for everyone else, remembering all their shit, making sure they are taken care of.

     WHAT ABOUT ME??????????????

We do it because we have to.....

      Why is it that we do things because we feel it is expected of us?? We do things because we have to?? Who are these magical beings who decide we should do this or that?? Who gets to rule us and make us how to an ideal?? Especially when the idea is so bloody warped!!

      Recently I had drinks with an amazing friend, I admire her so much, but in this conversation, which of course happened when we were under the influence of alcohol, the time when we can't help but be honest lol, she asked a question which I answered freely, maybe too freely for my liking due to the amount of wild turkey I had consumed.

      The answer I gave when I think about it sober in the cold light of day, was so honest, something I'm very afraid of these days, when you have a lot of very fucked up feelings running through your mind. People don't always appreciate that honesty.

      The scariest part was, my dearest husband was present for the question and answer, do you think we have discussed what I said, fuck no, that would mean he would have to face my feelings of despair and inadequacy. We wouldn't want him to try to adult, would we.

      Maybe he just doesn't want to deal with a wife who feels ugly, alone and half a woman, a woman who feels her sexuality has been destroyed, a woman who feels that she will never feel sexy again.

     Do I sound bitter? Hell yeah  I'm bitter, I hated my damn self and did I get at reaction, nope none at all, why the hell do I stay and put up with this shit. Maybe because if I can't find myself attractive, then who will? But I'm pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive anymore, so what is the point???

      Why stay when everything is so wrong? Because I don't want a second failed marriage? Because it's my fault? I don't feel whole or attractive or a woman, so it must be my fault, because that's what we have been taught to believe !!!

Just existing!!!

      You know all those cute little memes, that say no relationship is perfect, it's just two people who are always trying! Well I think we have stopped trying and are just existing, not even coexisting, because some days I just wish he would deploy again, some days I dread the time he is due home from work, when did trying stop being an option for us??

       Should you always keep trying no matter what?? Or is getting rebuffed and ignored for a major space in time a good enough reason to stop trying? If only one person is trying can anything ever turn out well? Do we even want to try anymore??

      These are all the questions that flow through an exhausted mind when sleep is hiding. Are they questions that should be shelved for a time when a lucid, rested mind can ponder them more thoroughly? 

      Then of course come the reasonings and excuses, why would he want or desire you? You hate yourself, you are unworthy, you are useless and worthless. 

How is he supposed to know what you are feeling if you don't tell him, well maybe if he was open to having a conversation I could, but he is shut off, hiding from me and I don't have what it takes to break through. Maybe I never will, but I'm too gutless to break free and walk away, so I deserve every bit of misery I receive.

      Stop bloody thinking, time for sleep, that's if the arsehole neighbors will finally shut up. Night all and ask yourself if you are not trying anymore, is it worth it!!!

Rock Bottom Again.....

      Well hello rock bottom, I haven't seen you for a long time, I was so sure I'd crawled my way back up and away from you, but no I fell again and it really hurt when I hit this time. I thought I was going so well, little hiccups but keeping my head above water, then it all built up and bam, straight back down that damn rabbit hole, now the struggle back up.

      I hit my lowest point in years this week, lower possibly than I've ever been before. Everything just got so bad that I got in my car and just started driving, with no direction or plan in mind. As I was driving I was horrified to find myself contemplating driving off the road and into a tree or crossing the centre line into the path of a truck, but my concern for the truck driver and the emergency services that would have to clean up my mess held me back, plus the feeling that I wouldn't be able to even commit suicide correctly, instead I'd end up alive and an even bigger useless burden on my family.

      I know I should be grateful, I should appreciate that I didn't suffer as others did from the breast cancer, but fuck me, it turned my whole life upside down and some parts of my life will never be right again. It's time I faced the facts, I'm to broken to be the person I used to be and the new me isn't everyone's cup of tea, not even my husbands it seems. 

      So where to from here, fuck knows, I've fresh out of ideas, I tired of being me and tired of life!!!!

Fear

Fear, gut wrenching, soul destroying fear, the type that stops you in your tracks, it catches your breath and distorts your dreams. Where does it come from, why does it occur, what influences it? Where does our self belief go, what erodes it? Leaving behind shells of our former selves struggling just to put one foot in front of the other each day.

Is it something we create ourselves or a visceral response to what is going on around us at the time. How does something small and relatively minor lead to fear so strong it literally hits you deep inside? Why do we let it defeat us?

These are the questions, plus many more that plague us late at night when insomnia steals out sleep and instead our minds go to the dark places that daytime and activity keep at bay. The ease with which we can slip into these dark scary places, is enough to give us pause, most of the time anyway.

Other times it's easy, even comfortable to slip into the embrace of darkness, it's getting out of that embrace that can prove difficult, but in the long run, so much more worthwhile. 

So instead of looking for the answers, maybe instead the best course of action is to stare the fear down, push it away, keep it at bay and ignore the darkness, focus on the light and love, hopefully eventually the light is where we will be!!!

Nothing changes while it stays the same!!!!

      I know I've been a bit quiet lately, it's just I don't want to seem like I'm constantly repeating myself, banging on about the same shit. It's been 6 years since I was diagnosed, so over 5 years since I finished treatment. Some things have changed, but many have stayed the same. I'll have really good days, then bam it hits again, don't want to leave the house, don't want to face the world or anyone in it. There are only so many therapists you can see, it's just a bloody big merry go round, a right bitch to get off.

      So far this year I've just been existing, plodding along, getting the things that need doing done. I've lost passion for everything. Wallowing and doubting myself has been allowed to creep back into my life. But no more, I've acknowledged it, so it's time to change it. Slowly one step at a time I will do this. 

      The first step had happened, I needed something new to be passionate about, then this should flow down to other parts of my life. I started using and learning about essential oils, now I'm a wellness advocate for Doterra, I'm bringing more natural solutions into my families health and loving sharing with others. 

     Step two is coming soon, so stay tuned, it's all about accountability, so time to be accountable, help me keep looking forward instead of backwards.