2016 is going to be the year of me!!!!

      That's it, this year is going to be mine, it's going to be about getting me to a me I like, possibly even love, although I think that could be a stretch lol!!!!

     Another year is complete, Christmas has been and gone, it was a quiet family affair this time around, but it was nice to be together as a family. The day we farewelled hubby was bittersweet, we are so proud of what he does, but we didn't want him to leave for so long. Wharf goodbyes are so difficult, you are surrounded by thousands of people saying goodbye to ones they love, but I don't show a lot of emotion in public, so I'm not one of those wives who clings to her husband balling my eyes out, I don't have any problem with those who do, until they judge me. Yes I've been told I'm a cold hearted bitch before due to my lack of emotion, but I prefer to do my grieving in private, it's just how I'm made I guess. 

      So New Year's Eve came around, a night a home with my youngest, we have to make sure our poor dog doesn't hurt herself when she gets scared by the idiots who let off illegal fireworks, so while passing a quiet night at home, I had plenty of time to look back over the year gone by, to think about things I did, some I should have done and a few I probably shouldn't done, but the past is the past as they say, can't change it, but we can learn from it, that's what I plan on doing this year.

      

       So the plan this year is focus more on myself than I have been, I need to be happy and healthy for my family to be happy and healthy, which is so easy to say, but harder to put into action, it's in a mother and wives nature to put their family first. This year with me doing so much solo parenting, being organised is going to get me through, so it's time to start schedules and lists, time to make sure I am alot higher on those lists this year, instead of putting myself last, time to add some of the things that make me feel good about myself, to slowdown and enjoy my life.

      Well that's the plan, let's see if the plan actually comes to fruition!!!! 

Countdowns

       Countdowns are they a time of excitement and anticipation? Or can they make preparations for a departure so much more agonizing?

       It's that time of year now when everyone is counting down, counting down to holidays, to Christmas, to a New Year ahead, most of these countdowns are faced with excitement and joy, but not me, not at the moment, don't get me wrong I'm looking forward to Christmas, I just wish the days would go a little slower, you see, my husbands sails away 5 days after Christmas for 7 months!!

        It's not a new scenario him sailing away, I've been doing this for over 20 yrs now, it's more that our world seems to be so rapidly changing, so many new threats around and so many who don't seem to follow any sort of rules, because even though war is terrible it does have some sorts of rules and moralities. This new breed of terror has none of these and with my husband heading into that area of the world, it has been giving things a second thought. I have no doubt he will return to us safe and sound, but recent events have given me pause for thought.

       So if I don't seem overjoyed when you post your daily countdown to Christmas on Facebook, maybe spare a thought for those who may be counting down to more unpleasant things, because while Christmas is a time of joy and sharing it can also be a lonely, sad time of year, especially for those far away from their families or those who are alone.

      I will try not to put a dampener on your excitement if you remember that my joy is tempered with the sadness of impending goodbyes.

Expectations

      Isnt it funny how we build things up in our heads? Often we place high expectations on things, only to be left feeling let down. Are we justified in feeling  let down or have we put unjust expectations onto the situation?

      This weekend just gone was one of these such occurrences, hubby was due home on Friday night, I knew he would be late, so we were picking him up from his ship. After the wonderful weekend we had had a week before, plus the euphoric feelings I had experienced all week, I had very high expectations of what our weekend would be like. Unfortunately my husband had no idea of this.

      From the moment we picked him up it was obvious things were not going to go as they had in my head. Hubby had been through a couple of very rough days work wise, so he was tired and very cranky. As I came to understand how bad his week had been, I felt my hopes crumble to dust.

      None of this was my husbands fault, intellectually I knew this, but old habits die hard, I retreated into myself, feeling neglected and let down. We had such a high a week before and now we were hitting a big low, although that low was intensified by the expectations that I had placed on the situation. I was disappointed in my husband and feeling like I didn't matter. Maybe if I had let my husband know what I was feeling, things may have turned out differently.

      So now I have a week of wondering what if, plus I'm rehashing my behavior and reactions to my expectations. The one good thing to come from the last week has been the realization I can now recognize these behaviors and reaction, helping myself to fix them, so that means the months of therapy were not wasted!!

To blog or not to blog?? That is the question

      How often is too often when it comes to blogging? Should we only blog when we have something truly worthwhile & thought provoking to say? But then again who decides what is worthwhile and thought provoking? Or should we blog everyday to keep people's attention, even when that post is liable to be inane?Has blogging just replaced the diaries we once had under our mattresses?

      Is blogging the new way of having a diary or journal? Didn't we hide our diaries so no one could read them? Or was that just what we said? When does a blog become just a pile a narcissistic garbage? 

      Really the point behind a blog is to get people to read it, but can it be used as a outlet, a relief valve, a way of talking through the problems in our heads? Or are most blogs just attention seeking? If we don't tell people we are writing a blog, does it mean we are scared to share our writing or are we just using it as a sounding board to release the volcano of thoughts in our heads.

      I haven't told many people about my blog, for a couple of reasons, one was because when I started the emotions I was releasing were to raw to share, it was to save my sanity that started the flow. Two I didn't need the validation from others about what I wrote, plus I kinda hoped that if people going through similar shit to mine were searching they may find my ramblings and draw some help from them.

      I certainly didn't feel the urge to email invite everyone I knew to follow my new blog, I didn't feel the need to jump up and down screaming look at me, I'm so unhappy with myself I need the validation of others to feel good.

      So for now, I think I'll just keep going the way I have been, when something bugs me enough to write about it I will, I'll probably never be consistent with my posts, some weeks I can post every day, others I don't feel I have anything to say, if someone else reads my ramblings that's good if not, I'll survive. Maybe I'll help someone else to understand how they are feeling or help them feel a little better, if that happens it would be wonderful, but for now this is me, warts and all!!!

It's the little things...

      It's the little things in life that often give us the most simple unexpected pleasure, today is clean sheet day in my house, slipping into clean crisp sheets is one of those little pleasure that make you feel amazing. tonight I get that pleasure all to myself, with my husband being away again. 

     At the moment the simple pleasures are the most important to me, with hubby away all week, we make the most of our weekends together, after a very tumultuous year, I am enjoying actually missing my husband when he is away. I am starting to feel so much more connected to him again. Its a wonderful feeling to have my best friend back, its not all smooth sailing but we are making progress.

      We only had one day together on our latest weekend, but it was a great day, we laughed, we played, I felt so comfortable around him, something that has been hit and miss this year. I love my husband so much and I think I'm actually starting to fall in love with him again, I'm trusting him with my heart and thoughts again, I really believe we are on the way to being whole and healthy again as a team.

      This past weekend really felt like a turning point within me, I went out with two different groups of friends and had a really enjoyable time mostly. In one group I still feel very much on the outside looking in, but you know what, I'm good with that at the moment, I know who I can turn to for my needs and who I can relay on. At this current phase in my rediscovery of myself I'm happy to be a little on the outside, mainly because then I don't feel obligated in any way to anyone. 

      The other group however, is amazing, I'm never afraid to be me, warts and all, they accept who I am, they don't judge me and they are always willing to tell it to me straight, no holds barred. I have never felt more comfortable with a bunch of girls, I don't feel like I have to try around them or pretend or hold my tongue. I smile when I think of my girls and I smile the whole time I am with my girls. 

     These days the dark times are getting shorter and less intense, in part to my girls, who surround me with support when I need it and great fun at other times, they are my sisters that I never had, I count my blessings every time we are together.

      So yes at the moment the simple, little things are so important to me, a text, a smile, a hug or tender kiss, simple pleasures!!!!

Reflections

     This time a year ago, I was the length of the country away from my home and family, I was celebrating the wedding of a dear friend, but I was also taking some away from my life, my family and my marriage. I was taking an opportunity to examine myself and my life without the everyday pressures of home, to decide what it was I wanted and needed.

      Those precious few days helped me to forget for a moment, the struggles j was experiencing, the personal, the emotional, the physical. It had been such a long time since I had no one else to worry about, no children to feed, organize and taxi around, no house to keep under control, no husband driving me insane. It was rather liberating in a way, I felt a little giddy with the freedom of only worrying about getting myself home at the end of a night out.

      The space also helped me to focus on the bigger picture, to look at the main problems without the interference of tiny little issues that blurred things. It's amazing how watching the most amazing sunsets can give you a bit of clarity.

      In many ways a couple of days spent far from my family, saved my family, by gaining distance, my focus changed to the things that mattered the most, I was able to see a way forward. I could see a resolution that involved healing instead of heartbreak. 

      For the first time in a long time as I watched a gorgeous couple vow to love one another for the rest of their lives, I felt the love I had shared with my husband, I missed him and I wanted to be with him. I was finally starting to see forever again.

      It still wasn't smooth sailing from that point, but it was a start, our marriage is still a work in progress, but I'm happy to still be working at it, I'm feelin stronger all the time and feeling more alive every day. I believe that a successful marriage isn't perfect, but it contains to people willing to keep working towards perfect, even if they never reach it!!

Black Hole....

      Have you ever sat staring out the window or at the TV, but not seeing anything, instead you are holding tight to the last piece of control, the piece that is stopping an avalanche of emotions from coming out? Holding those tears in, the anger, the despair or the loneliness. Wondering what the point of anything is anymore?

      Why are we so afraid to voice these dark emotions and thoughts? Is it the fear of being vulnerable? Or perhaps the thought of scaring those around us? How can anyone possibly understand the reasons behind our thoughts, when we don't. 

      This is why mental illness and depression are such incidious diseases, on the outside there are no systems, no physical manifestations, unless people are able to penetrate the facade of normality they never know, the maelstrom of feelings going on. The crippling self doubt, the self loathing and the crushing fear. 

      These emotions can well up at anytime, without warning, sometimes without apparent reason. We are unable to control them or combat them, we can only ride the wave and hope to come out the other side, without further damaging ourselves or those around us.

       Surviving the black hole, is about hope, hope that the light will keep shining, giving me something to anchor to, so I don't get lost. Hope that each day I wake up, a little stronger, with a little more confidence, hope that one day the good days will outnumber the bad. Until then it's a case of keeping the wall up, painting on a happy face and praying that I can convince everyone else I'm ok, because if I succeed in convincing others, maybe one day I'll convince myself.