React or respond....are they different???

       It is said that the only person who can make us truly happy is ourselves, which seems fair, but is our happiness affected by those around us and their actions. Or is it how we perceive those actions that affects us the most? Is there a difference in reacting or responding?

      Lately I've been looking at the way those around me affect me, in doing this I'm coming to realize, its not them affecting me, its my reactions to them, as humans we possess an enormous amount of empathy, we try to help others as much as we can. But in doing this we need to find a healthy balance between helping others and helping ourselves, by taking on other peoples problems and dramas we neglect ourselves. when we neglect ourselves we lose the ability to pick between reaction or response.

     To me the difference is how we feel, when you react to someones situation, you become part of it, you take some of it on, you experience deep emotions such as anger, it can affect how you feel, it can also wear you out to the point where it becomes to much. When you respond, you listen without the deep emotions, you can acknowledge the problem without become a part of the situation, this is the problem I'm having, being able to respond without the reaction, I have enough to sort through at the moment without taking on the issues and problems of others.

       When someone is experiencing hard times we jump in to try to help, we listen, we assist in any way we can, often we take their problems on board, I know I do, but in doing that it adds to whatever we are also experiencing in our own lives. This can cause us to feel overwhelmed and strung out. i need to figure out the balance between helping my friends and taking on too much of their crap. Its time for me, I need to be able to back away quietly without causing offence and focus on making me whole, a job that is getting easier by the day.

      For now, I'm picking and choosing what social situations I put myself in, my well-being is my highest priority, if that loses me a few friends well so be it, but I need to make me whole again, Its my time!!!!!

      

Boobs flat as pancakes, yay it's mammogram day.....

      Today was that day I dread all year, yep it was time for my yearly mammogram and ultrasound, the day when I get to experience having my boobs squashed as flat as possible.

      Considering how many of these tests I've had in the last five years, you think I would be an old hand at it, but sitting in the waiting room, the familiar feeling of dread washes over me, I feel nauseous and anxious, I haven't noticed anything to worry about, but what if I missed something, the fear is always there lurking beneath the surface, reoccurrence can happen to anyone.

      So as they call my name, I swallow the fear and head in to that room, now this time I'm seeing a new imaging place, because the old one wanted to start changing me for the privalige of squashing my boobs, so while it's not a new experience , it's on new territory. This is a slightly better mammogram apparently, it takes a more 3D like image, instead of a flat one, which when your boobs are dense tissue like mine is hard to read. I know, every time I get one of these tests they feel the need to inform me, guess what guys they are my boobs, been told how dense they are multiple times, don't think that can change in a year.

       Now anyone who has had a mammogram will tell you, they are painful and a pain in the arse to get done, first you strip to the waist, then your boob gets placed on the machine, then you need to turn your body this way, turn you head that way, stretch you arm over here, bum out, chest in. Jesus what am I, a contortionist, then comes the pressure, squashing your boob as flat as possible, it pulls them, stretches them, digs into ribs and shoulders, seriously whoever invented this machine was a sadist of the highest degree. If men had to have their precious bits flattened like this, they would have found a way to make it less painful by now, but is silly women just deal with it and get on with it.

       Once I've been squashed flat twice on each side, one top to bottom view, then the side on view, it's time for the ultrasound. Now this is nothing like the feel good happy, pregnant, let's see your baby ultrasounds. Once again I'm reminded of my dense Breast tissue, so this may hurt a bit as we need to push hard to get through all the layers. Play contortionist again, face this way, arm up here, wedge under there, finally it's over, I'm covered from armpit to waist in ultrasound gel, that stuff goes everywhere, wipe all that off, get dressed again, then come back tomorrow for your films.

       The receptionists chirpy have a lovely day seems out of place when walking out feeling like you have gone five rounds in the boxing ring, my boobs are sore, hopefully they don't bruise like last year, my armpit is tender, but it's done for another year, thank Christ I survived mammogram day again, now where the hell is the wine.

      But on a more serious note, please remember to check your boobs, get your mammograms done, it is worth the pain and discomfort.

Who am I??????

      Who am I?? I know what I am, I'm a mother, wife, daughter, sister, small business owner, Auntie & friend among many other things, but these roles I do, are not who I am. Deep down under everything else what makes me tick, what defines me and who I am?



       I thought I knew who I was, where I was headed and what the future roughly held, but that all changed with a single sentence from a doctor. Now I need to reassess where I'm headed and what the future may hold, but can I do these things if I don't know who I am or does sorting those out help me to figure who I am. It's one of those 6 of one, half dozen of another conundrums, one that seems to be on a merry go round with no end in sight.

       Most people reinvent themselves multiple times, but with these changes does the basis of who we really are ever actually change or are these changes more superficial. Is who we are something set in stone from when we are born, like our DNA or is it changeable depending on situations and influences? Does the core of our being change or are we just lost in the fog for a time, struggling to find our way out.

        I do know I need to figure this one out, to be able to fully repair my marriage, to feel whole again and to feel alive again. The last few years I have been living on the sidelines watching life go by, it's time to rejoin life and in turn feel alive. 

Fear....

       Have you ever felt a gut-wrenching fear, the kinds that causes panic attacks and that sick feeling in your stomach? Lately I have been, the marriage counselling we are attending has progressing well, really well, until the topic of intimacy came up, don't get me wrong I do love my husband so much and I would love to get back to having a close physically intimate relationship, but I'm petrified. I'm so uncomfortable in my body, so scared of being rejected that I lack the confidence to even try anything. I'm so far from feeling sexy it isn't funny.

      Why is it men don't seem to understand that unless we feel good about ourselves, the thought of sex is abhorrent, it's scary, being so vulnerable & exposed, for most women sex is more than just the act itself, it's the emotions, the trust, self confidence all rolled into one package that help us feel sexy. When trust has been broken as badly as I experienced, sex is never going to fix that, it's like trying to repair a hole in a pool with sticky tape, it holds for a little bit, but the pressure forces everything out.

      How do you regain a trust that was as natural as breathing? How do you go back to that easy intimacy? Back to the days of feeling so comfortable and unihibited with the person you love, back to feeling sexy, desirable, alive. Is it possible to rebuild a relationship when you are holding such an important part back? That is the conundrum that has me paralyzed with fear, fear of going forward, fear of losing everything, fear that I will never have that trust and intimacy again.

        

When life throws you lemons.......

      What do you do when life throws lemons at you? Do make lemonade like the old adage or perhaps you prefer the salt and tequila, or maybe you even throw them back as hard as you can lol. The biggest problem with depression is it takes such hard work to keep you feeling good, positive, in control and so little to drive you back into the hole!!

      Lately I feel like I'm taking two steps forward & a dozen backwards, just when I was getting my head in the right head space, I've buggered my back, the pain I can deal with mostly, it's the frustration at not being able to perform the simplest of tasks that is killing me. But are my physical symptoms an indicator of how bad my emotional problems have become? Did my body end up going that's it bitch, I've had enough of all the crap, I'm going to incapacitate you to make you listen and take notice. I know my stress levels have been through the roof, I need to find more balance between family, the business and me, which is so much easier said than done.

      In my usual bull at a gate fashion, I have taken on way to much in an effort to prove to myself that I'm every bit as capable as I once was, the problem is, I'm still not. Which leads to frustration, anger and giving up. It's time to reassess things, focus on the important things and walk away from those that cause too much stress, in doing so not everyone will be able to understand my decisions, it may lose me some friends, but I need to focus on me, I have to be a little bit selfish for a change, the hell with everyone else, trying to keep the rest of the world happy hasn't helped me so far, so it's time for a new plan. 

        A plan that involves less blame, guilt and punishment, a plan that starts to set my life back on a healthy track and focuses on my family, they are more important than anything else, they deserve my focus not the left  overs.

        So I'm going to take those lemons that have come my way lately and I'm going to throw them back at life and say bring it on bitch, is that all you have, I survived cancer, I can survive anything!!!!!

Medical experts via Google.......shut the hell up!!!!!

        Don't you just love how many people become an expert in all things medical when you get sick!! Or those who share every little article off the Internet without actually considering the consequences or checking if the article has any truth to it.

       I know people are well meaning and want to help, but really try thinking before posting, do you honestly believe eating a kilo of asparagus a week will cure cancer? Or posting supposed studies claiming mammograms are no help in preventing cancer deaths, try for one second putting yourself in a Cancer patients shoes and imagine how these articles affect them as they are battling for their lives.

       It's not as if we undergo surgeries and treatments for the hell of it, I'm not against trying natural therapies to complement my treatments, but I wanted to be around for my kids, so not having the treatments and living on asparagus and bananas to cure myself was never going to happen. 

      It is beyond frustrating listening to those who claim they can help you gain a body that will never get Cancer, nobody can do that, even vegan triathletes have gotten cancer, yes some of our lifestyles can be adjusted to hopefully lower the chances, but when it comes down to it, cancer comes from a defective gene, diet can't fix genes.

       Keeping fit and healthy can help reduce your chances, it can make treatments easier, but blaming people for causing their own illness is just cruel and insensitive, so try thinking before you google, remember the facts you are shoving down a hurt, vulnerable and sick persons throat, were never asked for, back the hell off and keep your whacko cures to yourself!!

         

Building a new life map......not as easy as it sounds!

      My therapist today helped me put a pin in what's been bothering me since the day I finished my treatment, I'm ANGRY!!! Really angry at a range of things that have happened to me since that fateful day I was diagnosed, but that anger isn't always a bad thing, apathy would be worse. I have a right to be angry, but I need to find source of that anger and use it constructivly. By pinpointing the causes of my anger, I can start to resolve it. I need to resolve it, so that I can move forward, so instead of watching life, I can start to live it again.

      The basis of most of my anger is the deep sense of betrayal I feel, I feel betrayed by my body most of all, but also by some of those who were closest to me. 

      The week before I was diagnosed, I was feeling great my life has purpose and direction, I was happy with the progress I was making, both at work and at home, I felt strong, confident and alive. I had just pushed 200kgs on the leg press machine and completed 50 push-ups on my toes, I wasn't the skinniest girl around, but I was a fit, strong, confident woman. 

      But then bam, my whole world fell apart and I spent the next 9 months in a free fall of doctors, hospitals, treatments and tests. Life was lived one day at a time, looking into the future was too hard, then just as suddenly it was over, final treatment, see you in three months. Gone was the strong confident woman, in her place was a weakened shell, my fitness, my health, my strength eroded, physically and emotionally I was wounded. I was scared of what the future held, scared of a relapse, scared I would never feel whole again, but underlying the fear was the anger. I was angry at what my body had become, at the people who had let me down and at myself because I couldn't see a way out of my pit of despair.

      Holy shit, were my thoughts, what now? The last 4 years I've felt in limbo, not knowing which way to go, where I fit, what to do, life was all of a sudden very scary, it's only now I realise, after seeking the help I should have got 4 years ago, that I need to rebuild me, my life, my desires, my dreams, they have all been altered, some shattered, some no longer seem important or relevant. It's time to refocus and build my new life map. I need to build this map for me, to be a little selfish even, I'm tired of being a shell, I want to be confident and whole again.

      Im still here, I bloody survived, but surviving isn't worth a damn if I don't start living again. Here's to rejoining the living no matter how much it hurts or how scary it seems!!