Rock Bottom Again.....

      Well hello rock bottom, I haven't seen you for a long time, I was so sure I'd crawled my way back up and away from you, but no I fell again and it really hurt when I hit this time. I thought I was going so well, little hiccups but keeping my head above water, then it all built up and bam, straight back down that damn rabbit hole, now the struggle back up.

      I hit my lowest point in years this week, lower possibly than I've ever been before. Everything just got so bad that I got in my car and just started driving, with no direction or plan in mind. As I was driving I was horrified to find myself contemplating driving off the road and into a tree or crossing the centre line into the path of a truck, but my concern for the truck driver and the emergency services that would have to clean up my mess held me back, plus the feeling that I wouldn't be able to even commit suicide correctly, instead I'd end up alive and an even bigger useless burden on my family.

      I know I should be grateful, I should appreciate that I didn't suffer as others did from the breast cancer, but fuck me, it turned my whole life upside down and some parts of my life will never be right again. It's time I faced the facts, I'm to broken to be the person I used to be and the new me isn't everyone's cup of tea, not even my husbands it seems. 

      So where to from here, fuck knows, I've fresh out of ideas, I tired of being me and tired of life!!!!

Fear

Fear, gut wrenching, soul destroying fear, the type that stops you in your tracks, it catches your breath and distorts your dreams. Where does it come from, why does it occur, what influences it? Where does our self belief go, what erodes it? Leaving behind shells of our former selves struggling just to put one foot in front of the other each day.

Is it something we create ourselves or a visceral response to what is going on around us at the time. How does something small and relatively minor lead to fear so strong it literally hits you deep inside? Why do we let it defeat us?

These are the questions, plus many more that plague us late at night when insomnia steals out sleep and instead our minds go to the dark places that daytime and activity keep at bay. The ease with which we can slip into these dark scary places, is enough to give us pause, most of the time anyway.

Other times it's easy, even comfortable to slip into the embrace of darkness, it's getting out of that embrace that can prove difficult, but in the long run, so much more worthwhile. 

So instead of looking for the answers, maybe instead the best course of action is to stare the fear down, push it away, keep it at bay and ignore the darkness, focus on the light and love, hopefully eventually the light is where we will be!!!

Nothing changes while it stays the same!!!!

      I know I've been a bit quiet lately, it's just I don't want to seem like I'm constantly repeating myself, banging on about the same shit. It's been 6 years since I was diagnosed, so over 5 years since I finished treatment. Some things have changed, but many have stayed the same. I'll have really good days, then bam it hits again, don't want to leave the house, don't want to face the world or anyone in it. There are only so many therapists you can see, it's just a bloody big merry go round, a right bitch to get off.

      So far this year I've just been existing, plodding along, getting the things that need doing done. I've lost passion for everything. Wallowing and doubting myself has been allowed to creep back into my life. But no more, I've acknowledged it, so it's time to change it. Slowly one step at a time I will do this. 

      The first step had happened, I needed something new to be passionate about, then this should flow down to other parts of my life. I started using and learning about essential oils, now I'm a wellness advocate for Doterra, I'm bringing more natural solutions into my families health and loving sharing with others. 

     Step two is coming soon, so stay tuned, it's all about accountability, so time to be accountable, help me keep looking forward instead of backwards.

2016 is going to be the year of me!!!!

      That's it, this year is going to be mine, it's going to be about getting me to a me I like, possibly even love, although I think that could be a stretch lol!!!!

     Another year is complete, Christmas has been and gone, it was a quiet family affair this time around, but it was nice to be together as a family. The day we farewelled hubby was bittersweet, we are so proud of what he does, but we didn't want him to leave for so long. Wharf goodbyes are so difficult, you are surrounded by thousands of people saying goodbye to ones they love, but I don't show a lot of emotion in public, so I'm not one of those wives who clings to her husband balling my eyes out, I don't have any problem with those who do, until they judge me. Yes I've been told I'm a cold hearted bitch before due to my lack of emotion, but I prefer to do my grieving in private, it's just how I'm made I guess. 

      So New Year's Eve came around, a night a home with my youngest, we have to make sure our poor dog doesn't hurt herself when she gets scared by the idiots who let off illegal fireworks, so while passing a quiet night at home, I had plenty of time to look back over the year gone by, to think about things I did, some I should have done and a few I probably shouldn't done, but the past is the past as they say, can't change it, but we can learn from it, that's what I plan on doing this year.

      

       So the plan this year is focus more on myself than I have been, I need to be happy and healthy for my family to be happy and healthy, which is so easy to say, but harder to put into action, it's in a mother and wives nature to put their family first. This year with me doing so much solo parenting, being organised is going to get me through, so it's time to start schedules and lists, time to make sure I am alot higher on those lists this year, instead of putting myself last, time to add some of the things that make me feel good about myself, to slowdown and enjoy my life.

      Well that's the plan, let's see if the plan actually comes to fruition!!!! 

Countdowns

       Countdowns are they a time of excitement and anticipation? Or can they make preparations for a departure so much more agonizing?

       It's that time of year now when everyone is counting down, counting down to holidays, to Christmas, to a New Year ahead, most of these countdowns are faced with excitement and joy, but not me, not at the moment, don't get me wrong I'm looking forward to Christmas, I just wish the days would go a little slower, you see, my husbands sails away 5 days after Christmas for 7 months!!

        It's not a new scenario him sailing away, I've been doing this for over 20 yrs now, it's more that our world seems to be so rapidly changing, so many new threats around and so many who don't seem to follow any sort of rules, because even though war is terrible it does have some sorts of rules and moralities. This new breed of terror has none of these and with my husband heading into that area of the world, it has been giving things a second thought. I have no doubt he will return to us safe and sound, but recent events have given me pause for thought.

       So if I don't seem overjoyed when you post your daily countdown to Christmas on Facebook, maybe spare a thought for those who may be counting down to more unpleasant things, because while Christmas is a time of joy and sharing it can also be a lonely, sad time of year, especially for those far away from their families or those who are alone.

      I will try not to put a dampener on your excitement if you remember that my joy is tempered with the sadness of impending goodbyes.

Expectations

      Isnt it funny how we build things up in our heads? Often we place high expectations on things, only to be left feeling let down. Are we justified in feeling  let down or have we put unjust expectations onto the situation?

      This weekend just gone was one of these such occurrences, hubby was due home on Friday night, I knew he would be late, so we were picking him up from his ship. After the wonderful weekend we had had a week before, plus the euphoric feelings I had experienced all week, I had very high expectations of what our weekend would be like. Unfortunately my husband had no idea of this.

      From the moment we picked him up it was obvious things were not going to go as they had in my head. Hubby had been through a couple of very rough days work wise, so he was tired and very cranky. As I came to understand how bad his week had been, I felt my hopes crumble to dust.

      None of this was my husbands fault, intellectually I knew this, but old habits die hard, I retreated into myself, feeling neglected and let down. We had such a high a week before and now we were hitting a big low, although that low was intensified by the expectations that I had placed on the situation. I was disappointed in my husband and feeling like I didn't matter. Maybe if I had let my husband know what I was feeling, things may have turned out differently.

      So now I have a week of wondering what if, plus I'm rehashing my behavior and reactions to my expectations. The one good thing to come from the last week has been the realization I can now recognize these behaviors and reaction, helping myself to fix them, so that means the months of therapy were not wasted!!

To blog or not to blog?? That is the question

      How often is too often when it comes to blogging? Should we only blog when we have something truly worthwhile & thought provoking to say? But then again who decides what is worthwhile and thought provoking? Or should we blog everyday to keep people's attention, even when that post is liable to be inane?Has blogging just replaced the diaries we once had under our mattresses?

      Is blogging the new way of having a diary or journal? Didn't we hide our diaries so no one could read them? Or was that just what we said? When does a blog become just a pile a narcissistic garbage? 

      Really the point behind a blog is to get people to read it, but can it be used as a outlet, a relief valve, a way of talking through the problems in our heads? Or are most blogs just attention seeking? If we don't tell people we are writing a blog, does it mean we are scared to share our writing or are we just using it as a sounding board to release the volcano of thoughts in our heads.

      I haven't told many people about my blog, for a couple of reasons, one was because when I started the emotions I was releasing were to raw to share, it was to save my sanity that started the flow. Two I didn't need the validation from others about what I wrote, plus I kinda hoped that if people going through similar shit to mine were searching they may find my ramblings and draw some help from them.

      I certainly didn't feel the urge to email invite everyone I knew to follow my new blog, I didn't feel the need to jump up and down screaming look at me, I'm so unhappy with myself I need the validation of others to feel good.

      So for now, I think I'll just keep going the way I have been, when something bugs me enough to write about it I will, I'll probably never be consistent with my posts, some weeks I can post every day, others I don't feel I have anything to say, if someone else reads my ramblings that's good if not, I'll survive. Maybe I'll help someone else to understand how they are feeling or help them feel a little better, if that happens it would be wonderful, but for now this is me, warts and all!!!