Midnight meanderings of the mind!!

      I'm laying here, supposed to be sleeping, but I can't, my old friend insomnia has risen it's ugly head. So I'm reviewing my day, it's been pretty productive, I got work done for the business, housework, shopping, the usual household chores, then I finished a blog post I'd been working on gradually, unlike most of my posts, this one took a few days to write, the words didn't seem to flow the way they normally do, but tonight the final pieces came together And I suppose by closing that one off, it have my mind free rein to wander again, so it looks like a double post night.

      I've learnt over the last few years that when my insomnia strikes again, it's because I'm having trouble switching off, hell that's why this blog was born. By putting down into writing the crap floating around  my head, I was able to focus better and relax, which meant I could sleep.

      So why can't I switch off tonight, it could be the weather, it's been raining all day which in itself doesn't bother me, I love listening to rain, but tonight the wind has come up, not a gentle breeze, the type of wind that rips limbs from trees, I'm so not a fan of winds like these. But I don't think it's that.

      It's the last day of school holidays today and I will admit I'm a little anxious about my boy returning to school tomorrow, I wasn't entirely happy with some of the friends he had made last term or the choices he had made, so that's floating around the back of my mind.

      I know I'm nervous, tomorrow I have a stall at a local women's business expo, I'm hoping to sell some of my products and make new connections, but I'm doing my usual of second guessing if I'm good enough. Must repeat to myself, I have worked hard and I deserve success.

      I'm worried about a family member in hospital, even though I know they are getting the best possible care and I'm worried about a friend who is in a very dark place at the moment. When someone is so down and depressed there is only so much we can do, I know that from both sides of the coin, hopefully I was able to help just a tiny bit tonight, to give a small amount of perspective, being supportive and really listen can sometimes make all the difference, at least that's what I choose to believe.

      Well that has helped a little, it's amazing how organizing ones thoughts can help with the switching off mechanism, so now it's time to put down the electronics and practice some of the relaxation techniques I was taught, I've got nothing to lose. Goodnight hopefully lol!!

Love Thyself!!!

       Do you love yourself? Not in the vain sense, but do you feel comfortable in your own skin, are you happy with the person you have become?

      When we are bombarded with images of what perfection supposedly is, it becomes hard to subjectively judge ourselves. Humans especially woman are their own worse critics. We compare ourselves to others, find ourselves wanting on so many levels, we struggle to just be comfortable. 

      Being comfortable and happy with oneself is more than just what's on the outside, the prettiest, most slender woman in the world is not happy if she doesn't love who she is. We are a complete package, not just looks or weight or wealth. Being happy comes from within, from a place that can only be touched and influenced by yourself.

     Those little demon voices in your head only have the power when you give it to them. Why is it we choose to believe one bad thing about ourselves, even when it is outnumbered 10 to 1 by the good? Why do we focus on the negatives and punish ourselves?

      We have the power to stop the negative cycle, we need to be wiling to work every day at reminding ourselves of how great we are, willing to push the negatives back, silence the little voices with faith, push ourselves to achieve, no matter how small the obstacle is.

      So take it slow, tiny baby steps, build it a little each day, wake up and remind yourself how great you are, remember what you have to give, the love you have to share, gradually it should become easier to believe the good around and inside of us, the negatives will hopefully fade to become insignificant, just blips we can deal with instead of huge obstacles. Only you can heal yourself!!!!

Happiness it's inside us, waiting to come out...

      How often do you sit and think? Really take time out from everything, to look around you, to consider where you are, what you are doing and where you are heading. In this world of constant go, go, go, should we take more time out? Or do we tend to only stop to ponder once something major happens in our lives?

      Today I had a chance to just stop for a while,to take a few cleansing breaths and think. Where am I at the moment? Is it where I want to be? Am I happy to be here? I think we should all take stock of our lives regularly, stop review things and make adjustments where needed.

      We spend so much of our lives worried about others, making sure our partners, kids, family are happy, taken care of and getting what they need, but how often do we focus on ourselves? Why do we feel guilty if we take time out, isn't our happiness and mental health just as important as everyone else's?

     The key to our happiness is inside of us all, we cannot be truely happy until we are happy within ourselves, no one else can help with that, it is the great conundrum which faces us all. The materialistic world we exist in, leads us to believe we can buy happiness, having more money, the latest car, being skinny or fashionable, are among the many things most of us strive for, believing once we achieve these goals happiness will follow, but it doesn't. Why??

      It's actually pretty simple, although can be difficult to achieve, once we are truely comfortable in our own skins and happy with who we are, then we can look to these other goals, they will then enhance the happiness we already have. 

      The inner me is not quite happy yet, but I'm working on it, I understand what I need to help with the process, it's not easy, but they say nothing worth doing is easy. I know I'm a work in progress, I also know that I take wrong turns, but it's getting easier to get back on track. I will find the happy medium I need, in the meantime I will remind myself to take time, to stop, relax and just breathe!!!

Finding Joy in the Small Things!!!

      Lately I find myself smiling more often, a thought will cross my mind that brings a smile, looking at my kids or hubby, even things like the sunset. What little things bring you joy????

      It is sad these days how wrapped up, in the material side of life we have become, it is so easy to do, but does buying and having things really make us happy? At the end of the day, they are just things, can buying the latest gadget make your child love you more than spending a day enjoying time together? I wonder sometimes what I will be remembered for? Will my kids remember I bought them the latest video game or will the remember times spent together, times when we laughed, played and just enjoyed being.

      Last week I had my parents here for a visit, it's school holidays, hubby still had to work, so did my eldest son, but I had mr12 with me. We took mum and dad to the local botanical gardens and went walking, 6kms we covered, up and down hills, through bush, joking and laughing as we went. It was an amazing day, a picnic lunch at the end. The memories are something we will treasure, three generation of my family having a great day together.

      There was so much to smile about, my son being such a boy and walking through a field of grass, that in places was up to his chest, the childish delight at making it through to the other side. The beauty of a tree full of butterflies and the gorgeous note of the bellbirds in the trees.

      It is experiences such as these we need to treasure, they build the library of memories that last a lifetime, not what latest gadget you can buy, remember to enjoy life, to experience life, stop watching life and participate to the fullest. Find joy with those you love, those who are closer to you, take life by the horns and wring every drop of living from it.

      Living a life full of regrets and missed oppurtunities, is not living at all!!!!!

The Sun is shining through the clouds.....

      After such a long period of darkness and instability, the sun is starting to peek through those clouds, my emotions are feeling more stable and the way forward is becoming clearer. Rediscovering myself and my purpose has been a roller coaster, many a time I feared the downs were so deep, there would not be any more ups. But the ups are being the norm, the downs fewer and fewer.

     I'm sorting the wheat from the chaff, putting my energy in to the things that make me happy, spending time with people worth making an effort to see, people who love and support me unselfishly. I thought letting go of the negatives and toxic people in my life would be harder, instead I feel lighter, free, in truth for the friendships that I have cut free, I feel no regrets, they had run there course and were no longer a healthy option for me.

      You shouldn't have to feel anxious about the people you spend time with, when they make you feel less of a person or not worthy, it's actually their own insecurities being projected onto you. Letting the dead weight go, is an exercise in self love, why let others drag you down, people who treat you badly or make you feel like crap are not worth your time, your emotions, your presence.

      To be able to feel accepted wholly, to feel so comfortable with the friends you have, to never hide yourself from them, that is the ultimate pleasure. To know I can be honest about myself, my feelings, my hopes and fears, has been the best aid to my healing. With love and support I have rediscovered most of my confidence, my self esteem is following as well, my path toward is getting clearer every day.

      The best thing anyone can do for there emotional wellbeing is to cut loose the negative Nancy's in your life, surround yourself with those who support you, who seek to help you heal, not those who make you feel like shit about yourself, being alone is better than being surrounded by toxic selfish people. Let go, take a deep breath and go forward, don't look back, keep heading towards the sun!!!!

5 years ago.......

      Anniversaries are interesting, they remind us of significant events in our lives, the celebrate beginnings, endings, times when our lives changed forever!     

      So 5 years ago, I was petrified, anxious and trying to be in denial. I was waiting for biopsy results, to find out if I had Breast cancer or not. It was a dreadful time, by choice my family had no idea. They were so far away, what was the point in worrying them until I had answers. It wasn't great news I relieved the next day, it turned my world upside down for nearly a year for treatment and a lot longer for the fallout.

     Every year on march 5th, it all comes back to me, the week leading up to this date is shit, its so hard to fully escape the effects of such an insidious disease, the bone deep fear of a relapse is in the back of my mind all the time, its so hard not to jump to the worst possible conclusions at every little ache or pain, cancerchondria is what we refer to it as.

     Most of the time, I can push it away, hide it behind a door in my mind, but the first week of march is always hard, I alternate between wanting to hide away, to wallow in my pain silently or to go out, to celebrate an another year survived, to surround myself with friends, but knowing which friends are there for the right reasons is another minefield in itself.

     This year, I'm thinking a day to myself, maybe a massage, some quiet reflection, then bourbon and chocolate as I relax in the evening. Its five years since I heard those awful words, but I'm still here, in some ways stronger, in others more vulnerable, the latest version of me is still under construction, but thats the beauty of living, I can be whoever I want to be!!!!

Reset and reboot!!!

      When life is overwhelming you and you feel like you are drowning, what do you do? Where do you go? Do you have a special place that helps you to reset and reboot your life?

       For me that place is the beach, any beach will do, usually around sunset, when the beach is relatively empty. I love being able to stroll along the edge of the water, avoiding the big waves. The feel of the sand between my toes, the smell of the salt air. I'm able to breathe deep and relax, to let all the problems in my life out and feel refreshed.

      Having a place to wind down, to let all the stress out is important, we all need to take a moment every now and then to just be. To forget our problems, to just remember what is really important, to just be!!

      So always remember to visit your place, to reset, reconnect or just to sit, to breathe, to exist, our mental health is just as  or even more important than our physical health. Without a healthy mindset our lives are messy and painful, taking an hour when you need it isn't selfish, it's healthy. The healthier in mind and soul we are, the happier we will be, which then flows down to our families and friends.

      So just remember to breathe, to let go and to just BE!!!!