5 years ago.......

      Anniversaries are interesting, they remind us of significant events in our lives, the celebrate beginnings, endings, times when our lives changed forever!     

      So 5 years ago, I was petrified, anxious and trying to be in denial. I was waiting for biopsy results, to find out if I had Breast cancer or not. It was a dreadful time, by choice my family had no idea. They were so far away, what was the point in worrying them until I had answers. It wasn't great news I relieved the next day, it turned my world upside down for nearly a year for treatment and a lot longer for the fallout.

     Every year on march 5th, it all comes back to me, the week leading up to this date is shit, its so hard to fully escape the effects of such an insidious disease, the bone deep fear of a relapse is in the back of my mind all the time, its so hard not to jump to the worst possible conclusions at every little ache or pain, cancerchondria is what we refer to it as.

     Most of the time, I can push it away, hide it behind a door in my mind, but the first week of march is always hard, I alternate between wanting to hide away, to wallow in my pain silently or to go out, to celebrate an another year survived, to surround myself with friends, but knowing which friends are there for the right reasons is another minefield in itself.

     This year, I'm thinking a day to myself, maybe a massage, some quiet reflection, then bourbon and chocolate as I relax in the evening. Its five years since I heard those awful words, but I'm still here, in some ways stronger, in others more vulnerable, the latest version of me is still under construction, but thats the beauty of living, I can be whoever I want to be!!!!

Reset and reboot!!!

      When life is overwhelming you and you feel like you are drowning, what do you do? Where do you go? Do you have a special place that helps you to reset and reboot your life?

       For me that place is the beach, any beach will do, usually around sunset, when the beach is relatively empty. I love being able to stroll along the edge of the water, avoiding the big waves. The feel of the sand between my toes, the smell of the salt air. I'm able to breathe deep and relax, to let all the problems in my life out and feel refreshed.

      Having a place to wind down, to let all the stress out is important, we all need to take a moment every now and then to just be. To forget our problems, to just remember what is really important, to just be!!

      So always remember to visit your place, to reset, reconnect or just to sit, to breathe, to exist, our mental health is just as  or even more important than our physical health. Without a healthy mindset our lives are messy and painful, taking an hour when you need it isn't selfish, it's healthy. The healthier in mind and soul we are, the happier we will be, which then flows down to our families and friends.

      So just remember to breathe, to let go and to just BE!!!!

What's your dream????

      Remember that line at the end of the movie Pretty Woman? What's your dream? 

      I've been thinking about that lately, what are my dreams? Are they still the same or have the experiences of the last 5 years changed them?

      Dreams are important, we need to have dreams to keep moving forward, having something to aim for, to keep us looking forward, makes life worth living. Our dreams change all the time, some we achieve and thus we move onto new dreams, some stay dreams forever, whereas others fade away, no longer relevant.

       My dreams are evolving, some I know will always be dreams, common sense just dictates that, but others I can and I will accomplish, I need to put more faith in my ability to achieve my dreams, the only person holding me back is me, the only voice I should be listening to is mine.

      So what's your dream?? 

Hold them tight.....while you can!!!

      This last week and a bit has been very difficult and sad for my family, we had to farewell an amazing young man taken way to young.  My son had to experience grief at losing a friend way to early in his life. This young man touched all who knew him, his infectious smile and love of life will be long remembered.. The one thing that stands out amongst all the grief is the urge to hold my loved ones and never let them go.

      Life can be cut short at a moments notice, you never know when it will be the last time you get to hold your loved one or tell them you love them. So do it every day, if they are with you, hug them, remind them in everything you do and say that you love them. Distance is never an excuse either, a message, a call, a video chat, there is always a way to share your love with others.

      Don't hold onto the problems or issues that arise, deal with them and move on, live each day to it fullest with those who mean the most to you, time is too precious to waste on pettiness, why waste time being angry, if people cause you pain, walk away, leave them far behind you. 

     Live your life in the light, hold onto to love of your family and friends, share the wonderful joy that is all around. Life is too short to live in the darkness and shadows. surround yourself with people who enjoy life and those who leave a positive impact on you, those who make you smile just by thinking of them. 

Is looking over your shoulder holding you back??

      Are you someone who is a glass half full or a glass half empty person?? Do you hold onto to old hurts and problems? Is constantly worrying about your past holding you back from your future?

      We have all experienced pain, rejection, betrayal, but what defines us is how we move on from these. The longer we cling to these, the more focused on the past we become and while we are so busy looking backwards, we miss out on living, on seeing what is right in front of us.

      Not that I'm saying letting go, moving on and not looking back is easy, it's not, it's bloody hard and I have struggled so badly trying to focus forward, but I can write the realistic the other night, I'm tired, I'm sick of clinging to what has happened and what might have been. It's time to look to the future, to stop being scared, to stop hiding away to protect myself.

      So lightbulb moment has occurred, I have an idea of what I want and where I'd like to head, but how do I do that? What is the next step I need to take? How do I stop making excuses and start making decisions? These answers I don't know, bug god the first time in a long time I'm willing to just believe and take a chance!!!!

Discovering your sexuality and sex life again- easy or hard??

      One of the first parts of your life to change during serious illness is your sex life. Trying to recover and rediscover this important part of ones life is bloody hard if you will pardon my pun.

       For someone who was used to initiating sex, the loss of libido is devastating, when your partner withdraws from you, making you feel inadequate and undesirable, the thought of putting yourself out there sexually is terrifying. Trying to come back from the despair at your illness, the changes in your body, your life and your own self image, the added stress of feeling no longer sexy and confident in the bedroom is soul destroying.

       So how do you move on, how do you reclaim what has been lost, how do you express to your partner what you need, when you have no bloody idea what that is! 

Here's to a New Year!!!

       It's that time of year again, a new year is starting so we look back on the past year and make resolutions to do better, to lose weight, to get more organised, but honestly how many of us succeed with those resolutions? This year I didn't make resolutions, I set myself goals to achieve, not all at once, gradually, step by step, without pressure or recriminations.

      For me last year was a year of turmoil, upheaval and the facing of many hidden truths. Thankfully after ALOT of hard work, my marriage has survived, it's still a work in progress, but it's moving forward, I faced some hard truths about myself, about who I'd allowed myself to become and I started thinking about who I would rather be, I'm not there by any stretch of the imagination, I have some ideas in my head of who that person could be, but that too is flexible.

      Until I'm truly happy with myself, how can I expect anyone else to love me, well that is the Rock and hard place question, many believe we need to love ourselves for others to love us, where others believe that when we are lost, those who love us should be there to help guide us back to ourselves. Myself I like a little from both camps of thought, we need to believe and love ourselves, so others can see the person worth loving, but also the people who have loved us the longest should be able to see through to the person they love and assist in helping that person shine through again.

       I needed to acknowledge to myself that not only had I let myself down, that I had been let down by those I needed the most, mostly this was not their fault, all our coping mechanisms are different, my expectations needed voicing by me, instead of hoping they could read my mind on occasion. I needed to confront my anger, my hurt, the feelings of betrayal head on, only then could I begin to heal again.

      In the past 12 months I have learnt to stop being so available to help others, I need to back away sometimes, to focus on my needs and my wellbeing, if doing so is selfish, then so be it, exhausting myself to help others and getting nothing in return will just destroy me, it's time for me, if some people can't deal with that, I'll survive, I've gotten through worse.

      It is true, some people are in our lives for a lifetime, while others are just there for a short time to help us learn, working out who fits where is the life lesson, so here's to 2015, a year to emerge again, to live life instead of just existing, stay tuned I think this year will be a doozy!!!